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Old 01-06-2013, 05:09 AM   #1
Blastoise
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Winnie the Pooh's Home Run Derby: Welcome to ヒット Hell

In the grim darkness of the Hundred Acre Wood, there is only baseball!

For more than a hundred centuries the Dark Emperor Christopher Robin has ruled over the depths of the Hundred Acre Wood. He is the master of these woods by the will of the gods and master of every hectare by the might of his dark powers. To be a silly old bear in such times is to be one alone amongst untold suffering. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime of home run derby imaginable. This game is a tale of those times.

It is a forest you can live in today -- if you dare -- for this is a dark and terrible place where you will find little comfort or hope. If you wish to take part in the adventure then prepare yourself: forget the power of joy, forget the promise of peace and understanding, for there is no respite in these woods, only an eternity of strikes and fouls and the mocking laughter of thirsting gods.

The Hundred Acre Wood is a big place and, whatever happens, you will not be missed...


As Winnie the Pooh, you seek no less than the utter destruction of Christopher Robin in the hopes that the Hundred Acre Wood may finally be free of endless tyranny and despair. The Dark Emperor is no fool, however, and has dispatched a number of guardians to strike down any would-be challengers to his rule. Do not be fooled by the innocent facade of a home run derby: to the Dark Emperor ripping out a bear's stuffing is trivial, but to shatter his spirit is sublime...


Eeyore, the Broken
Some see this pathetic creature as a mere pest, a challenge only to those who know not which way to hold the bat so that the Dark Emperor's more valued minions might deal with more pressing threats. Few know that this being's suffering runs far deeper...

In the mists of history, far beyond the memories of man or bear, the creature now known as Eeyore challenged the might of the Dark Emperor for dominion over the Hundred Acre Wood. He was a far more potent foe in that forgotten age, and their battle raged for days, leaving the wood broken and scarred that in some places today have yet to fully heal. The Dark Emperor might have tasted defeat in that bygone era had it not been for a well-timed betrayal from one of Eeyore's closest confidants, and in that moment of weakness Christopher Robin struck down his foe, claiming his prize and damning the wood to an everlasting age of darkness.

This was not to be the end for Eeyore, for Robin thought such a fate too kind for the sin of defiance. Stripping the once-mighty warrior of all of his powers and binding him with wards of weakness and obedience, the Dark Emperor tasked Eeyore to protect his throne for all eternity. It is thus the most hellish of fates: bound to his most hated enemy and reminded of his impotence with every pitch, Eeyore takes to every battle as a lost soul unable to die, and as a warning to all those who would defy the Dark Emperor's might.


Heffalump, the Myrmidon
The term "Heffalump" refers not to an individual, but rather an entire race of elephant-like creatures. They are the foot soldiers and enforcers of Christopher Robin's reign, for they possess all the ideal qualities for such a task: obedient, numerous, and expendable.

In addition to dealing with intruders, the Heffalumps are also tasked to keep watch over Eeyore the Broken, both to make sure that he never escapes his damnation and to remind the pitiful creature that he has been reduced to an even lesser creature than the most insignificant of the Dark Emperor's minions.


Piglet, the Craven
Not all serve the Dark Emperor out of blind obedience or the promises of power: some can be made to serve out of fear.

The one known as Piglet was once counted as Winnie the Pooh's closest friend and ally. Seeing this bond, Christopher Robin's thoughts turned dark as he contemplated how he might twist pervert it towards his own ends. Soon, in the quiet hours alone Piglet began to receive dreams and visions of the Hundred Acre Wood drowning in blood and despair, an even more desperate and hopeless place even compared to the Dark Emperor's rule. In every dream the central cause was the same: the "silly old bear."

The message was clear: would you defy me to fight to establish a darker future? Piglet tried desperately to resist, forgoing even sleep in an attempt to avoid the visions that plagued his every restful moment. His willpower had never been considered anything of note even by his closest friends, however, and soon the poor creature arrived and kneeled before his new master, a gibbering and broken shell.

While he is considered a stronger foe than a Huffleump, Robin expects little from the creature and its shattered mind. He is instead a message to the bear that would defy him, a message that there is no true fidelity in the Hundred Acre Wood and that to stand against the Dark Emperor is to truly stand alone.


Kanga (and Roo): The Sorceress (and Apprentice)
Should a challenger prove more than a match for the common rabble, Christopher Robin is not above committing his more powerful pawns to strike them down. Kanga and Roo are the first of these minions, blessed with a fraction of the Dark Emperor's power and more than willing to wield it against his foes.

Like many of his most powerful servants, Kanga kneeled to the Dark Emperor of her own free will. For what reasons none can say: some claim that she joined in a selfish bid to increase her own power and standing in the Hundred Acre Wood, while others say that she was a true believer, drawn more to his vision and charisma than any temporal gain. Some go even further and claim that her son and heir was in fact sired with the Dark Emperor himself, although those fools who speak of such things openly invite only terrible reprisal.

In the home run derby her power imbues the pitches she throws with what appears to be a "hopping" motion to the outside observer, although whether this is an intentional manifestation of her abilities or a subconscious manifestation of her species' proclivity to hop about is unknown. Regardless, the infernal power of these strange baseballs leave many would-be challengers baffled and broken, used to as they are the straightforward pitches of the Dark Emperor's lesser minions.


Rabbit, the Betrayer
Unlike Kanga, there is little doubt where Rabbit's loyalty truly lies. That is because Rabbit's betrayal was the catalyst that ensured the Dark Emperor's centuries of rule.

It is said that in the distant past Eeyore called Rabbit a friend and ally. He was clever and resourceful, tempering Eeyore's raw strength with a cunning that made both a considerable threat to Christopher Robin. Alas, he was a vain and egotistical creature even in those bygone days, and grew increasingly embittered as people spoke endless praise of Eeyore as a great hero but left him condemned to the dustbin of history. It would be this wedge that the Dark Emperor would use to drive the two apart.

Approaching Rabbit alone under the guise of "peaceful negotiations", Christopher Robin was able to prey upon Rabbit's bitterness and resentment, noting what an injustice it was that such a clever creature had not been given his proper due. He promised that he could ensure that Rabbit would never be forgotten, if only he would help deliver the great Eeyore into his hands.

A part of Rabbit rebelled at the thought of betraying his closest friend, but the jealousy of years had poisoned his thoughts like a gangrenous limb left to rot and corrupt the rest of the body. And so was Eeyore betrayed as he prepared to deliver the deathblow to Christopher Robin: struck from behind, his momentary distraction was enough for Christopher Robin to turn the tables and thus condemn the once great warrior to endless servitude.

True to his word, Rabbit has not been forgotten since then: all have heard of his betrayal, and all are wary around him less he trample them underfoot for even a momentary gain. His ego has not faded with the passing of centuries, and the Dark Emperor is said to keep him close not out of affinity, but in order to check his ambition lest he think of biting the hand that feeds...


Owl, the Sage
The sage is not easily roused, nor is he easily quelled. A lover of odd bibliotheca and forgotten knowledge, Owl is generally content to leave defending his master to his lessers as he pursues odd byways in his intellectual pursuits. Those who mistake his bookish ways for weakness and arouse his wrath are soon taught the foolishness of their error, as his zig-zagging pitches are known to drive lesser men to madness and despair.

Owl revels in his authority as the Dark Emperor's sage, able to go where and when he wills, unconstrained by petty morality or mortal will. To Christopher Robin he is an ideal servant: powerful and compelled by initiative, yet content to obey and serve in exchange for his liberties. Thus, he is committed to the pitcher's mound only against opponents where his cunning justifies the risk: it is cold comfort to meet him on the field of battle, for it means that the Dark Emperor has dropped all pretense of restraint.


Tigger, the Dark Trickster
Woe betide any who would draw the attention of the Dark Emperor's most feared servant. Tigger serves not for power, but only so that he may partake of the cornucopia of suffering that such power enables.

A cheerful facade and seemingly foolish demeanor disguises a bitter contempt for all life and a joy in the misery of others. None can say where the facade ends and the real Tigger begins, for he has played the role so long that the lines have blurred and even he has forgotten where the mask meets the monster beneath. Such questions are meaningless to his victims, as they are left impotent by thrown baseballs that seemingly disappear from sight with no apparent explanation.

No one believes that Tigger serves Christopher Robin out of any true loyalty, but to a creature who is both empowered and compelled by mere whimsy to inflict misery on others such a concept is a distinction without a difference. To the Dark Emperor this happily serves in the place of fidelity, and in all his years of service Tigger has yet to disappoint his master.

?
Christopher Robin, the Dark Emperor of the Hundred Acre Wood
Those who defy the master of the Hundred Acre Wood shall be judged harshly for their transgressions. Few have ever witnessed the Dark Emperor's power, and those few who have cannot speak of it for such a display leaves all but the strongest wills as broken husks.

The Blood Games
Known colloquially as a "home run derby", a euphemism encouraged by Christopher Robin himself to lead the foolish and unprepared to ruin. The game is simple: score the minimum number of home runs in a certain number of pitches. Fouls and non-home runs (hits, or ヒット in the blasphemous runes of a long forgotten tongue) do not count, for such pitiful displays do not impress the master of the Hundred Acre Wood. The Blood Games end only when Christopher Robin lies shattered and broken, or the challenger does: in theory the challenger can simply walk away at any time, but all inevitably slide into insanity and despair as their ambitions are frustrated and damn themselves before they are even aware that they have traveled down a one-way path.

The Dark Emperor knows that there is no sweeter ambrosia than the death of false hope, and so he happily provides his challengers with points for every home run they score, which they can use to buy the following boons:



Power (top): Increases how far the ball goes when it is hit.

Meat(?) (middle): Whispered to increase the "sweet spot" on the bat, making it easier to score home runs with a less-than-perfect swing.

Speed (bottom): Increases how quickly a batter can reposition himself, allowing him to line up hits on pitches that might have otherwise been hopeless.

Only the foolish see such boons as vanity on the part of a venal ruler: in all his centuries of dominion Christopher Robin has never tasted defeat, and his black throne is carved from the bones of those who thought themselves his equal when armed with such trivial blessings.

Thus lies the challenge before you: do you have the will to claim the Hundred Acre Wood for your own, or will your remains join the lost and forgotten?
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Old 01-06-2013, 05:46 AM   #2
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Piglet was nightmarishly hard. The fastball/changeup with movement on top of asking for eight homers out of twenty pitches...if I hadn't read Blastoise bit on the power ups, I wouldn't have been able to beat him.

Truly, the Dark Emperor is a diabolical one, indeed. He promotes further insomnia in those who are ever wake.

I am surprised Pooh has such good opposite field power.
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Old 01-06-2013, 08:14 AM   #3
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Ow. That was my favourite childhood.

Also, Kanga is a bitch. It's not so much the weird motion of the ball, just the huge variety of pitch speeds. She throws your rhythm right off.

Edit: And then there's Owl. He actually made me hit my ball backwards a few times.
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Pikachu is like me when I play tennis. If I play someone that sucks, I start to suck and lose. But if I play someone good, I play somewhat decently and still lose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadowshocker View Post
"One cross referee; one wayward pinch of banned narcotic substance, one RNG... AND KABLOOIE!"
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And the round starts off with both Pokemon pulling out a Monopoly Board and.. it seems to work! Relicanth starts things off by picking the Tophat. Vulpix seems to be upset, as he coveted that piece. Luckily for him he does just that! Vulpix uses Covet and gets to play with the Tophat piece. Relicanth looks quite upset by these turn of events, and decides to use the Car instead!

The round continues with Relicanth landing on Central Avenue! He decides to purchase the property.. it's super effective! Vulpix instead decides to use Imprison! Suddenly Relicanth finds himself in jail! What an exciting twist! The round ends with Relicanth unable to do anything else at the moment.



Last edited by Spikkle; 01-06-2013 at 08:31 AM.
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:18 AM   #4
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Tigger is the physical manifestation of sadism. Why the fuck do I have to get so many???
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:31 AM   #5
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I couldn't make it past Tigger either. I got up to 26/28 and I was done.
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:03 AM   #6
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I gave up on Eeyore???
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:11 AM   #7
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SUCK IT, TIGGER

SHOWDOWN WITH THE DARK LORD FORTHCOMING

EDIT: WHAT THE FUCK HE IS A COMBINATION OF EVERYBODY ELSE AND YOU HAVE TO GET 40/50???

I got 20
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:34 AM   #8
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I gave up on Eeyore???
I believe in you, Jeri. You're stronger than this.

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SUCK IT, TIGGER

SHOWDOWN WITH THE DARK LORD FORTHCOMING

EDIT: WHAT THE FUCK HE IS A COMBINATION OF EVERYBODY ELSE AND YOU HAVE TO GET 40/50???

I got 20
I'm proud of you, my loyal servant of UPN. And what sort of final boss would he didn't have everyone elses powers?
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:53 AM   #9
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I give up. I'm actually getting worse. This guy is unreal.
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Old 01-06-2013, 11:40 AM   #10
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I think we all know I'm the real winner, for reading all of that description and then refusing to play the game. Long live Chrissyboy.
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Old 01-06-2013, 11:54 AM   #11
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I have gotten my computer to work, and this is all I have been doing for the past hour and a half. I have too much time on my hands. The Dark Lord is a strong one.
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Old 01-06-2013, 01:33 PM   #12
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FYI

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Old 01-06-2013, 01:53 PM   #13
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I gave up on the Dark Lord awhile ago. Never liked that Christopher Walken kid anyway.
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Old 01-06-2013, 02:32 PM   #14
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Quote:
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I gave up on Eeyore???
Try holding down the mouse button when you swing.

Yes, I derped like this at first too.
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Quote:
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Pikachu is like me when I play tennis. If I play someone that sucks, I start to suck and lose. But if I play someone good, I play somewhat decently and still lose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadowshocker View Post
"One cross referee; one wayward pinch of banned narcotic substance, one RNG... AND KABLOOIE!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holy Emperor View Post
And the round starts off with both Pokemon pulling out a Monopoly Board and.. it seems to work! Relicanth starts things off by picking the Tophat. Vulpix seems to be upset, as he coveted that piece. Luckily for him he does just that! Vulpix uses Covet and gets to play with the Tophat piece. Relicanth looks quite upset by these turn of events, and decides to use the Car instead!

The round continues with Relicanth landing on Central Avenue! He decides to purchase the property.. it's super effective! Vulpix instead decides to use Imprison! Suddenly Relicanth finds himself in jail! What an exciting twist! The round ends with Relicanth unable to do anything else at the moment.


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Old 01-06-2013, 03:08 PM   #15
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Honestly, I thought Rabbit was easier than Eeyore.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:27 PM   #16
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ミート is Meet, not Meat. They're using it here as in "the ball meets the sweet spot of the bat."

As for the Speed (スピード) stat, the game claims that it makes it easier for Pooh to hit screw balls. Whether because of your interpretation solely (repositioning becomes much faster/easier) or because of a combination of factors (like, in addition to your observations, perhaps screw balls are programmed to be more likely to count as hits than misses the higher your Speed stat is), I don't know. But if screw balls are giving you problems even if you feel you're nailing them and if your Speed stat is low, then this is probably the thing to fix.

Got bored by Kanga but was determined not to give up there. Once I leveled up enough to defeat her, Rabbit was a joke. Beat him on my first try. Would agree with Tdos that he was even easier than Eeyore. Owl, on the other hand, sent me back to stat grinding ... and so mute the audio went and ignored went the browser tab. Might give it another go later, we'll see, but I'm pretty bad with mouse games in general so I don't doubt I'd have a hell of a time against Christopher Robin were I even to get to him.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:47 PM   #17
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Old 01-06-2013, 05:57 PM   #18
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Thankfully the game saves your progress assuming you haven't cleared your cookies/cache/whatever so if you feel like trying again, you don't have to go through the whole game a second time.
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Old 01-06-2013, 07:53 PM   #19
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Owl is troublesome because his knuckles induce weak contact, so speed/power are what you need to beat him.

I strike out a lot against Tigger. Seeing the ball is a real problem for me.
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Old 01-06-2013, 11:07 PM   #20
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Tigger is a gosh darned cunt.
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Old 01-06-2013, 11:07 PM   #21
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Whoa droppin' the c bomb
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Old 01-07-2013, 02:06 AM   #22
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Thankfully the game saves your progress assuming you haven't cleared your cookies/cache/whatever so if you feel like trying again, you don't have to go through the whole game a second time.
Oh shit. Really? I might load it up again later and see if I can finally down Tigger. All my stats are maxed.
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Old 01-07-2013, 03:48 AM   #23
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Dare I.. challenge a god...?

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Old 01-07-2013, 04:16 AM   #24
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Old 01-07-2013, 04:59 AM   #25
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