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Old 11-18-2011, 01:22 PM   #1
big bad birtha
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How TMNT really went down

I figured I'd try writing a little bit again, and what's a better start than writing a fanfic about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Of course, this story's filled with my usual sense of humor, so if you don't like dark humor, you'll definitely not like this.

EDIT: Fixed a bunch of fuck ups.

Spoiler: show
This is a tale about four brothers, who have evolved through mutation. They all started out as ordinary turtles, but became large humanoids with turtle shells on their backs and tough, green skin. The only difference between the four, as far as appearance goes, is the bandannas they wear, and the weapons they wield. As a group, they are called the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They spend most of their lives helping others, and saving the world from evil who would want to ruin everyone's peaceful lives.

Our story begins with our four brave heroes doing charity work in a local hospital for children. The room they are doing charity work in is filled with terminally ill children, and they are all crying with joy at the arrival of their favorite superheroes.

"WAAAAHHHHHH! These scary monsters are going to eat us!"

The leader, Cornelius, is putting on a show for the kids. He is punching things, and rocking his head up and down. Cornelius is wearing a bandanna with the word "Hulkster" written on it. On his back are his weapons, a chainsaw and a rocket launcher.

"I love parties! This music rocks! Mosh pit!"

Cornelius jumps on a group of huddled up children, who are standing in the corner. Cornelius even makes the shy ones feel like they are welcome. By the way, there is no music. I think he is enjoying the cries of joy from the children.

It seems our Hispanic member of the team, Amelio, is trying to give one of the kids some medicine to treat his sickness. He's such a good Samaritan. Amelio wears a black bandanna with a skull and crossbones on it. You can't see his weapon, but he hides a switchblade knife in his shell.

"Yo esay! Want to buy some of this cocaine? You'll feel like you don't even have a disease."

"B-b-b-b-but my mommy says that doing drugs is bad."

"Don't be loco, holmes! This is medicine! This bag will be fifty dollars."

"I don't have fifty dollars..."

"You trying to punk me, bra! No-one punks Amelio and lives to see tomorrow!"

Amelio gives the child a gentle tap on the nose for pulling a prank on him. A tap hard enough to give the kid a nose bleed.

"These flowers are delicious! I'm glad you disgusting little savages have something edible. Meat or anything processed is bad for my stomach."

Your opinion doesn't matter, Postulio! Postulio is eating the flowers that the children graciously gave him. What an ingrate. He might as well be breaking into the room against their will and stealing flowers that were given to them by their parents. Postulio wears a pink bandanna with a rainbow on it. His weapon of choice is a can of mace.

Our fourth and final member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Lamp, is breaking all of the lamps in the room.

"I fucking hate lamps!"

Who knows what Lamp is thinking? I bet he has had too much of Amelio's medicine. Lamp wears a bandana that shines like a light bulb. He can make any lamp he wields his weapon of mass destruction.

It seems the children's parents and some policemen are outside of the door. I bet they want to join in on the party too.

"These monsters have held our children hostage! Could you please do something about them?"

"Don't worry ma'am. We'll do whatever we can to rescue your children. Our biggest obstacle is the monster in the middle. He has a rocket launcher and a chainsaw with him, and he might kill all of the children if we make a careless move."

All of the parents gasp at what the police officer said. Mister police officer probably forgot the paper and pens for our heroes to sign for their autograph. What a forgetful police officer.

"Anyway, lets first try to negotiate with them. Monsters! Please, let the children go, and come out with your hands up! If you come out quietly, alot of trouble will be avoided for both of us!"

"Oh shit! Time to split!"

Cornelius shouts, as he realizes their guests on the other side are there. He fires a rocket at the door where the policemen and parents are hiding. Our heroes decide to jump out of the window and leave, so they can give the children and parents some time to themselves. When they go outside, they see a large group of police who are waiting for them. I bet those mean police men want to harm the children. Cornelius shouts in anger.

"You bastards will never capture us! Let me handle this, everyone."

"Violence is wrong! We should just to negotiate and-"

"LAMP! NOW!"

"...fine."

Just as Postulio was about to continue his faggy speech, Amelio orders Lamp to shut him up. Lamp breaks a lamp over Postulio's head, knocking him out. Cornelius starts up his chainsaw, and dashes into the huddle of policemen. They all start shooting at him, but bullets don't effect Cornelius's mutant skin. Cornelius starts killing those evil policemen. Officer after officer, they are helpless against Cornelius's chainsaw and raw fighting spirit. Some policemen even try to trick Cornelius into surrendering.

"Please! Spare me! I won't fight anymore! I have a wife and kids!"

"DIE!"

Such trickery won't work on our hero. He kills the officer without hesitation. The hospital parking lot turns into a bloody battlefield, full of dismembered limbs and dead policemen. After Cornelius is sure that all of the policemen are gone, he signals to his teammates for an escape. Amelio picks up the unconscious Postulio, and they leave for their hideout.

The turtles' hideout is in the sewer, where they can fully enjoy themselves without fear of being attacked by villains. They all have expensive furniture and appliances that Amelio so kindly bought for everyone. Each turtle has his own room. Amelio also used his master skills to hook up some electricity for everyone. Just as they enter their hideout, they are greeted by their father and teacher, Tweaser.

"I see you all had fun. I wish you'd invite an old man to indulge in a child's fun once in a while."

Tweaser is a giant, mutated beaver, wearing only a ragged pair of pants. Tweaser slowly walks up to his children, and looks at them all with a saddened expression.

"I remember back when you were small turtlelings. We would have so much fun together. I would skip you across the pond, and use you to crack nuts. Now you're too cool to hang out with an old man. Time certainly does fly by."

"This is the 20th time you said this to us today, esay! Have you taken your medicine! It's the one that says "rat poison" on the box! Take it if you want to feel better!"

"Yeah, I took it. The medicine makes me feel like I'm young again!"

"Damn! I forgot that poison and radiation make us stronger!"

Amelio is such a caring son, helping his aging father feel strong and young again. Amelio throws Postulio on the ground, and everyone leaves to do their usual activities.

The day passes uneventfully, with the turtles doing their daily activities. Three of the turtles are present, with Tweaser complaining to Lamp about kids these days. Amelio enters the hideout after attending to some business outside. Amelio calls for the rest of the turtles.

"Yo! I need some help carrying some things into the hideout!"

"What have you found on your scavenger hunt, Paco?"

"I found a place with a bunch of thrown out lamps-"

"I don't want it, ass hole!"

Lamp jumps in angrily as Amelio is about to continue.

"I also found a large box of gay porno and a dildo for Postulio."

"That's real mature! I'll have you know that I don't appreciate your snide remarks that imply that I am a homosexual! If you make another joke like that again, I'll -"

Lamp finally gets tired of Postulio's whining and breaks a lamp over Postulio's head.

"Good job, Lamp! You really are the brightest member of our team...Pffffahahahahahahaha!"

"Hahahahahahaha! That's a good one, essay!"

"I hate you."

"Joking aside, I found a nice batch of appliances. One of our fridges is stuffed with dead moose that Amelio picked up. Our other one is full of faggy vegetarian garbage that Postulio crammed in the other. I'm tired of choosing between a dead moose and vegetarian garbage, so I want to get atleast two more fridges. One for me, and the other for Lamp."

"Since we're turtles, doesn't it make more sense if we're vegetarians?"

"Shut up, smart ass!"

Amelio and Cornelius both shout at Lamp.

"Having two more fridges in the house is a good idea. Lets go Paco and Lamp. We might as well get a new microwave too!"

The three turtles leave the unconscious Postulio on the floor, and leave their hideout. It's about midnight, which is perfect for buying appliances without having to worry about other customers getting in the way. They make their way to a small appliance store that's seemingly closed. Silly heroes, you need to go to a larger store if you want to buy appliances at this time of night.

"Cornelius, fire a rocket on the store's door!"

"Got ya, Paco!"

Cornelius takes out his rocket launcher and aims at the door of the appliance store.

"Stop right there! I'll kill you before you have a chance to rob that store!"

"Who's there?"

Everyone shouts as a strange person in the dark walks up to them. As they look at him, light conveniently comes up on his face. The mysterious villain is wearing a shogun mask and shogun armor to go with his mask. It seems this new villain is wanting to interrupt our heroes' shopping trip.

"You'll pay for what you did to me and my family! My name is-"

Chapter 1 end

Last edited by big bad birtha; 11-21-2011 at 10:38 PM.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:00 PM   #2
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Chapter 2 is finished....err...it's been finished for a week, but that's a minor detail. Another chapter for the 0 people who liked the first one!

Spoiler: show
"You monsters will pay for what you've done to me and my family! My name is Blender! I have spent these past three years training in order to kill you!"

Oh no! This guy is wanting to kill our heroes! Obviously, Amelio will not take this lying down. He steps up, and faces Blender's challenge!

"This seems fun, I'll take this one!"

Amelio and Lamp step out of the way, and decide to do their shopping while Cornelius and Blender fight. Cornelius quickly pulls out his rocket launcher, and fires at Blender. Blender jumps out of the way at an impossible height. Now that I take a second look, Blender's arms and legs are really long and slim. Cornelius doesn't let that miss discourage him. While Blender's still in the air, Cornelius aims at him again. Blender takes this chance, and throws a grenade into the barrel of the rocket launcher.

"Oh shit!"

Cornelius's rocket launcher makes a massive explosion. Pieces of the rocket launcher fly everywhere. Blender lands and smiles triumphantly. This can't be true, can it?

"I've taken down the strongest of you monsters. I just need to kill the other two and my revenge will be complete."

"A tiny explosion like that won't kill me!"

"You've gotta be kidding me!"

Cornelius is still standing where the explosion went off. Thank goodness! Cornelius's skin is a little burnt, but otherwise, he's completely fine. He has his chainsaw started up and ready to use.

"How the hell did you survive that?"

"Turtles specialize in defense!"

"That doesn't make any god damn sense! I'll retreat for now, and rethink my means in killing you. Next time I'll prepare a damn nuke!"

"I don't think so, you little bitch!"

Cornelius tries to chase the retreating Blender, but Cornelius forgot that turtles also specialize in being slow. Blender is completely out of sight by the time Cornelius starts running. Amelio and Lamp exit the appliance store shortly after the fight.

"Yo esay! We have the appliances."

"I also picked up a deep freezer, so you can put your dead moose in it."

"Kick ass! Now we just need some food to put in these things! Lets hit up the grocery store next!"

"Where's your rocket launcher, man?"

"Now that I think about it, you're not covered with blood and body parts either. You're even a little damaged! Did that weirdo actually put up a fight against you?"

"The little bitch threw a grenade in the barrel of my rocket launcher. He ran away after that! Paco, I'll need you to find me another rocket launcher."

"Hell no! I had to sneak into a military base to find that thing, man! I'm not doing that again holmes!"

"I'll get that ass hole back for destroying my rocket launcher!"

With those parting words, the three left for the department store to do some grocery shopping. After the grocery shopping was finished, they returned home. As they walk inside, they see Tweaser telling childhood stories to the still knocked out Postulio. They sneak past Tweaser to make sure he doesn't start talking to them, put their food and appliances up, and go to bed.

Postulio wakes up, and realizes he's laying down on the floor with broken lamp parts scattered around the floor. He looks at the nearest clock, and sees that it's 12:00 pm.

"Oh goodness! It's time for me to go my good deeds! I need to get prepared!"

Postulio sneaks into Cornelius's room, and takes his chainsaw. He takes some signs and a megaphone from his room, then leaves the hideout. Postulio then goes to a local farm and takes some cows. He puts 5 of them in a trailer and drags them into the city. Finally, Postulio stops at a burger restaurant. Postulio takes up his sign, which says "Cows are people too!" and starts shouting at the restaurant.

"Stop selling your deep fried murder! You see these lovely creatures behind me? For every burger you eat, you're killing one of these beautiful cows! Let me give you a demonstration of exactly what you are doing!"

Postulio starts up Cornelius's chainsaw. He then takes one of the cows out of the trailer, and cuts one in half with the chainsaw. For a second, a smile flashed across Postulio's face.

"That's right! Every time you eat a hamburger, you're cutting a cow in half with a chainsaw!"

Everyone in the restaurant start screaming at the sight of a giant turtle cutting a cow in half with a chainsaw. Children start crying, and the restaurant employees don't know what to do.

"Time for another poor, beautiful cow to enter the Postulio's slaughterhouse! I won't stop until you close this place down and start selling veggie or tofu burgers!"

Before we continue with Postulio's protest, lets see what's going on in the turtle hideout! Oh my! Cornelius is upset. He's frantically looking around and shouting.

"Where the hell is my chainsaw? First my rocket launcher is gone, and now my chainsaw? I'll tear this god damn place down if I have to!"

"Calm down, esay! I can find another chainsaw!"

"That won't do! I don't mind the rocket launcher being replaced, but every time I wield that chainsaw, I can smell the blood of those I have defeated!"

"I think Postulio might have taken it. I can smell his perfume in your room. He might have taken it for protesting. He should give it back soon."

"I'll tear that fag in two for touching my chainsaw! I'll leave right now and -"

"Calm down!"

Lamp gets tired of trying to reason with Cornelius, and knocks Cornelius out by hitting him on the head with a lamp.

"Yo, holmes. You should get over your hatred of your silly name and use lamps again, man. You just did something to Cornelius that large explosions and heavy powered military weapons could never do."

"Nevermind that. I think we should look for Postulio and get Cornelius's chainsaw back. I'm sure he's in-front of some kind of resturaunt slaughtering animals, so he shouldn't be hard to find."

Lamp ignores Amelio's advice and suggests that they leave to look for Postulio. Amelio sighs, and heads out with Lamp.

Back to the protest, Postulio takes out another cow, and cuts it into several pieces with his chainsaw. The restaurant parking becomes painted in blood and cow body parts. Everyone in the area is absolutely terrified. When Postulio gets out his third cow, a voice stops him.

"Stop right there! Just because you don't like meat doesn't mean you have the right to force others to stop eating it. Because us humans are on top of the food chain, we can enjoy these delicious meat products!"

It's Blender! It looks like he's here to stop Postulio! I...I don't know who I should support! I hate Postulio, but if Postulio dies, his brothers will be sad..fine! Go Postulio! Don't let that villain overcome you!

"You're killing innocent creatures in the process!"

"...I...I don't think reason will do anything for you. So be it! I'm better prepared than I was last night, so I won't fail to take you down!"

Blender takes out a flamethrower, and aims it at Postulio. Postulio looks at what he's holding.

"Eek! Cornelius will kill me if I let his precious chainsaw get burned!"

Postulio throws the chainsaw away, and takes the flamethrower blast. Blender takes out three grenades as he's incinerating Postulio. It seems he's learned from his mistake last night.

"Is that all you've got? How utterly boorish. This'll cut you down to size...! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Guh!"

Postulio lets out a horrendous scream. It starts breaking glass, and forces Blender to put his weapons up for a second in order to cover his ears. Postulio takes this chance and throws one of the cows that are alive at Blender. Blender is unable to dodge the flying cow, and is hit right in the midsection with it. He skids on the ground for a few feet, and is under the cow. Blender is now stuck under the cow. He tries to move the cow off of him, but it's too heavy. As he struggles to get the cow off of him, he sees Postulio slowly running towards him.

"I'm sorry cow, but this is for my own survival!"

Blender takes out a grenade, and puts it in the cow's mouth. The cow's upper half is blown up, and also blows Blender out from under the cow. Postulio looks in horror at the sight.

"You...murdered that poor cow! You're gonna pay! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Postulio starts his horrible screaming again. Blender rips off some clothes and stuffs his ears with them. Blender takes out another grenade, and tries throwing it in Postulio's mouth. Postulio realizes the grenade is coming towards him and bites down on the grenade. It explodes in his mouth, but doesn't cause much damage.

"How sturdy are you freaks? I'm out of grenades, and it looks like my flamethrower won't do any good. I'll come back and prepare some even stronger weapons!"

Blender runs away before Postulio can catch up to him. Postulio sighs and goes back to where he was protesting. He comes back to see Amelio and Lamp eating the dead cows.

"What are you savages doing? You're going to make those people want to eat hamburgers!"

"What people? There's no-one around."

"Geez! That guy interrupted me right when I was about to convince them! I guess I better give Cornelius his chainsaw back. By the way, what is up with all those destroyed police cars and dead police officers?"

"They tried to clip us when we came to pick ya up, esay. Me 'an Lamp made quick work out of 'em."

"We got hungry after all that fighting, and found these dead cows, so we decided to eat something. Lets give Cornelius back his chainsaw before he wakes up."

Everyone agrees to what Lamp says, and they all head home. All seems well, but is it? Blender is likely cooking up an even bigger scheme for taking over the world! What is it? Find out next chapter!

Chapter 2 end
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Old 11-28-2011, 04:14 AM   #3
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Chapter 3 is finished! Something's happening that even I never expected to happen, and that's an actual plot coming up! I seriously need to spend more time coming up with jokes.

Spoiler: show
Today's chapter starts in a town meeting. Everyone seems to be fussing and arguing about something. What could they possibly be talking about?

"We have to do something about these turtle monsters! They're destroying the city!"

"They have already killed most of the city's police and special defense, and what little they didn't kill have quit due to fear of going up against them!"

"A large percentage of our city has also moved out due to the harassment of those mutants."

"There's gangs and delinquents running amok in the city, and they're not even trying to conceal their actions anymore!"

"They even fired a rocket in a room full of terminally ill children, and killed half of the kids, along with their parents!"

"To be fair, the kids were gonna die soon anyway."

"What nerve!"

"You're going to hell, sir!"

"Calm down everyone!"

It seems everyone is wanting to throw a celebration for the Ninja Turtles! What wonderful people for wanting to thank our heroes. The mayor just stepped up and it looks like he has a plan for a great celebration!

"I know you're all upset about the mutants wrecking our city, but I've found a guy who's willing to work with us in order to kill them off. He has survived two encounters with the monsters, and he wants them gone as much as us. His name is Blender!"

After the mayor speaks, Blender starts walking in. Oh no! What is Blender doing here? I bet he's gonna try to brainwash everyone into doing something bad to our heroes! Don't believe him, everyone!

"Hello citizens. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wants the turtles dead."

"What's up with that get up?"

"Your body's shaped weird, are you a mutant too?"

"I'm perfectly human, but whether I'm human or not doesn't matter. What matters most is the crisis facing this city. I am here to ask for donations for heavy military weaponry. As much as I hate to say, I have exhausted my own weapon reserves trying to kill them. They can take explosions with hardly a scratch, and even going for the inside the mouth doesn't do any good, so the only real solution I can think of, is to keep chipping away at them with the most powerful weapons possible. I know giving expensive, heavily military weaponry to a stranger might sound unreasonable, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to kill those monsters. I sincerely ask for your cooperation."

"You've fought against them twice, right?"

"I have. They endured everything I threw at them without even appearing hurt, so I was forced to retreat. I won't continue a hopeless fight and die like a dog before getting my revenge."

"What is your motivation for killing them?"

"They're personal matters. The turtles did something horrible to me and I want them to pay."

"I say we cooperate with the guy. He seems sincere, and it's not like there's any police left to fight against them anyway."

"I agree!"

"Me too!"

"So we're all in agreement that we should aid Blender however we can in order to help us rid our city of this plague?"

"Yes!"

Everyone shouts in agreement. This is bad! Blender brainwashed the townspeople so they can help him do his evil bidding! Blender walks out of the room after getting confirmation from everyone, and makes a malicious, evil smile.

"Darling, you're one step closer to being avenged."

Thankfully, the Ninja Turtles have heard of this problem, and are preparing for the troubles that are about to come. Cornelius is joyously singing to encourage everyone.

"I once met a guy with a weird name, and his name is Lamp!"

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Cornelius and Lamp then start sparring in preparation for the incoming battles. Postulio is debating with Tweaser as to why eating meat is wrong.

"Several animals die for every meat product you eat! Why don't you see that?"

"Who are you, and what are you doing in my house!"

"The ecosystem will die for your savage ways!"

"Are you my dead wife? Mary! Come here and give me a kiss!"

"What are you doing? Get away from me!"

Lets leave those two love birds alone. What's Amelio up to? Ah, he's leaving the hide out. He's dressed in a large, brown trench coat and is wearing some sunglasses and a brown detective hat. I bet he's going to do some scouting! Amelio heads straight for a dark alley, and sits down. Soon after, a guy in ragged clothes sits beside him.

"You got the drugs for me, esay?"

"The pigs in this city have went away. I don't need a middle man to take the heat anymore. You're fired."

"That's a bad call, culo. Prepare to die."

Amelio gets out his switchblade knife, and stabs the guy with it. Amelio puts his switchblade knife back in his shell and leaves.

"I don't need the puto, since I already know a large majority of the people in the streets through selling drugs. The pigs are gone, eh? This might be a good chance to increase my influence."

He heads into the main street to see what's happening around in the city. He notices that the city population has gotten quite a bit dimmer. A group of people walk up to Amelio while he's walking around.

"Hey, weird guy in the coat! We're taking all your money!"

"...holmes, you'd best stop. By the time I say "ariba", you better be gone, before I down you."

There is about 15 of the gang members, and they have surrounded Amelio. All of them have guns pointed at Amelio.

"You can still talk tough after all of us have pointed guns at y-"

"ARIBA!"

Amelio doesn't let the leader finish, and rushes at him. Everyone starts shooting at him, but they don't do any harm. Amelio slices the leader's throat with his switchblade knife. The other members give up after seeing that their gun fires don't even hurt Amelio. Some even start to recognize Amelio through his jacket.

"You all work for me now. Anyone who doesn't like it can have a chat with my knife. Any problem compadres?"

"No boss! We'll faithfully serve you!"

"Good. How about I give you some weapons, and we take this city over?"

"I won't let you do that! This city is a place for for upright members of society! I won't let you monsters get away with any more horrible acts!"

It's Blender! This time, he's in a tank! He's trying to stop Amelio from setting those bad children straight. How low can you be?

"You never learn, do you, amigo? You can't beat us. Gracias for the tank, though. It will help us take over this city."

Blender fires a shot out of his tank at Amelio, but Amelio effortlessly swats the shot away. Amelio dashes at Blender as he fires at him with the tank. Blender realizes that the tank shots won't do any good, and leaves the tank. He jumps out of the tank armed with a rocket launcher. Blender fires two rockets at Amelio, and Amelio misses both of them. They both explode, knocking Amelio back. Blender doesn't let up there. He keeps on firing at Amelio. Amelio appears to be damaged after the shots. He's down and having a difficult time getting up.

"It looks like you freaks can take some damage after all. It's time to finish this.

"Even if you kill me, you'll never beat the other three, puta."

"So you're the weakest, eh? No matter, I'm sure there isn't that much difference between you four. You're finished."

Blender aims the rocket launcher at Amelio, but is assaulted in gunfire before he can fire. The gang members that Amelio saved are shooting at Blender! Thank goodness! The shots don't pierce Blender, but they do force him back, and make him drop the rocket launcher. Amelio takes this chance and pulls a light pole out of the ground, then he throws it like a spear at Blender. The light pole hits Blender in the chest, and knocks him back into a building. He's still up after the throw, but he's heavily damaged.

"Damn..."

Blender quickly retreats after getting hit by the pole. Amelio's too exhausted to give chase, and he's too fast for the minions to follow, so Blender escapes yet one more time.

"Thank you, amigos. You saved me back there."

"We weren't about to let him kill you. Your idea to take over the city was too good for us to just let you die before seeing that come true."

"Yeah, we'll definitely take over the city."

Amelio and the gang press their fists together and swear to do their best to make the city a better place. Amelio picks up the rocket launcher, and decides to make that his normal weapon. He orders one of the followers to drive the tank into a hideout, and starts finding more people to rescue from Blender's brainwashing.

Chapter 3 end
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Old 12-02-2011, 01:41 PM   #4
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Chapter 4 is done! Random UBW reference near the end.

Spoiler: show
This chapter begins with Amelio discussing plans with the other turtles on how to save the city from Blender's reign of terror. It has been a week since his last encounter with Blender, and he's been busy trying to save everyone. However, even Amelio can't save the city on his own. He needs the help of the other turtles in order to do so!

"Yo, Paco! What do you need with us?"

"I've spent the past week picking up comrades who will assist us in taking this city. I have enough supporters and weaponry to take on what the military will send against us. I just need the help from you three. I have even arranged for better weaponry for us."

"I absolutely abhor violence! Why must I join in on this barbaric quest?"

"...If I didn't need your help, I would have killed you a long time ago, culo. You'll be able to live outside, and have your own faggy vegetable garden, or whatever the hell you want to do with your outside space. You'll even have an army of followers, since we'll be the leaders of an army."

"In that case, I'll join in. I guess even a gentleman like myself has to get his hands dirty every now and then, doesn't he?"

"By the way, what weapons do we get?"

"Despite Cornelius annoying me for the rocket launcher, I'm taking it. My switchblade knife was only a symbol in the streets, and is useless in heavy combat."

"So what is my weapon, Paco?"

"I've given you two things, esay. One, I've taken that dead moose in the fridge and heavily mutated it. It is now alive, and ride-able with some heavy armor for protection. It's now tougher than a tank. It can also spit fire. Two, I've taken your chainsaw and lengthened the blade...five times. I know how you love having overkill weaponry, so I picked the most over-the-top thing I could think of."

"Fuckin' right! This is so kick ass! Nothing's more awesome than riding a giant mutated moose while wielding a massive chainsaw! You outdid yourself this time, Paco!"

"Well what do you have in store for me? This can of mace is only for warding off molesters, and isn't for actual combat."

"This is a special kind of megaphone. It can either project your voice or focus it into one spot. Your voice is now that much more dangerous. Oh, and here's a light saber for close combat. Don't ask me how I got my hands on it."

"Good job, Amelio. Maybe I will let you eat from my vegetable garden when I plant one. Once you go organic, you'll never go back."

"What about me? Do I get a Gatling gun or something?"

"Lamp...you'll get the most powerful weapon of all, and that's counseling."

"Excuse me?"

"Use Lamps again, man. You've mastered the strongest martial arts ever known, and we need that in order succeed. We need your Lamp-Fu!"

"I refuse! I'm tired of being associated with lamps! Do you know how many times Cornelius has rubbed on me to get a genie to come out of me?"

"Holmes, you are the only master of the most powerful martial arts in existence. You sacrificed your identity to lamps so you could master lamps. You even used to love lamps. Get over your annoying teenage rebellious phase and fight at full power. You're far stronger than any of us, and we'll need that strength. Do you want to live your life as a whiny little girl who hates his strange name and can't live to his fullest potential, or do you want to live as a proud man with a silly name who crushes everything in his path? There was once a man who was named Betty, and he didn't let that stop him from living proudly as Betty! Accept it! Love lamps! Embrace lamps! Become lamps themselves! You are the glass of your lamp!"

"..."

Lamp doesn't say a word to Amelio, and leaves for his room. Amelio decides to try again later, and asks Cornelius and Postulio to come with him to meet their underlings. They head out for the city, and see that it is full of life and energy. People are cheerfully playing in the city. They're setting things on fire, breaking things, and other fun activities. There is even a couple playing tag.

"Someone! Help me!"

"Get back here! I'm nowhere near done with you!"

They eventually meet up with a large huddle of people, all equipped with highly destructive weapons. All of them are eager to meet up with Amelio's strong brothers.

"Greetings amigos! These are two of the leaders of our army! The strongest one is having complications, so he won't be with us until later. We have taken over this city, but that's not good enough! We should aim higher, because the army will eventually try to take us down! Lets-"

As Amelio was about to continue, the stage he was standing on was blown up. In the distance is Blender, who is walking towards the crowd with an army of tanks behind him. There's also jets shooting down some of the crowd.

"I've had it with you monsters! This time, I'm giving it everything I have!"

"Amigos! It's time! Fire everything you have to take these culos down!"

Amelio shouts to the crowd, as he destroys one of the jets with a rocket launcher shot. Cornelius gets on his giant moose, and gets his chainsaw started. Postulio tries out his new microphone, and destroys a few jets with the widespread function. Blender jumps into the crowd of Amelio's army, and starts slicing the people up with a sword. Everyone hesitantly fires at Blender, but end up killing their own allies with their overly heavy weaponry. Amelio orders Postulio to take on Blender using his light saber. As Postulio starts running towards Blender, Blender retreats, and throws some grenades into the crowd, with Postulio in it, which kills another large portion of the crowd. Obviously Postulio is undamaged, but annoyed at the loss of his followers.

Cornelius is taking the tanks down with ease. The moose doesn't flinch at the tank's weaponry, and Cornelius's upgraded chainsaw cuts through the tanks like butter. He may be in the crowd of tanks on his own, but he has more than enough raw fighting spirit to take the tanks on while everyone else is struggling with Blender.

"This is so kick ass! I'm the freaking mutant black knight! Welcome to my slaughter house you god damn tanks!"

Amelio orders the remaining followers to run away, and leave the fighting to his brothers. Unfortunately, Blender isn't nice enough to let them just leave the field.

"Humans or not, anyone allied to the turtles must die!"

"I won't let you kill my gardeners!"

Blender throws a few more grenades at the followers, but Postulio intercepts them all. Just as Blender tries running toward the crowd again, Amelio fires a rocket at him. Blender jumps out of the way, and to Amelio's surprise, Blender was standing in Cornelius's direction. The rocket flies past where Blender was, and ends up hitting Cornelius. Luckily, Cornelius isn't bothered by the rocket, and continues his rampage. Some tanks managed to slip past Cornelius, and start firing at Amelio and Postulio. Postulio tries to fire a scream in their direction, but Blender slices the megaphone in half. Just as Postulio tries to intercept him, Blender immediately retreats, throwing more grenades at him. Both Amelio and Postulio can't find an opening to attack, and end up getting caught in a barrage of tank and jet fire.

Despite Cornelius's amazing momentum, his chainsaw runs out of gas, leaving him wide open for attack. He took down most of the tanks, but some still remain, and they fire at him mercilessly. His moose's fire breath takes a few of them down, but the other tanks are out of his fire breath's range. Even Cornelius ends up getting caught in a barrage without a means to attack. Blender smiles triumphantly as the turtles are rendered helpless.

"My revenge is almost complete. I just need to keep firing at you until you eventually break. Then I'll take down the one that isn't here."

"You'll need much more than that petty army to take down the mighty Lamp!"

The sky suddenly darkens as Blender's enjoying his triumph. Surprised, Blender looks up to see Lamp standing on top of the tallest building around. Blender gasps in amazement, as the sky is covered in floating Lamps.

"I am the glass of my lamp.

The light is my soul, and electricity is my life.

I have created over a thousand lamps.

Seen by many

Known by none

I have sold my individuality to lamps

Yet I'll never bathe in their brilliant light

So as I pray

Unlimited Lamps!"

Lamp waves his hand, and as he does, lamps start crashing down at the enemy. Every tank and jet instantly explode as they're hit by a lamp. Blender manages to swat away every lamp that falls down at him, but he's starting to get tired. Lamp creates a lamp post and jumps down the building. Lamp stands on equal level to Blender, staring at his new prey while holding a lamp post as a weapon.

"You've caused more than enough trouble for us, you little bastard. I don't know what we did to you, but your revenge attempts end here."

Chapter 4 end
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Old 12-02-2011, 01:46 PM   #5
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The final chapter! I actually had 4 done a while back, but I forgot to post it here. Next time, I'll do something that doesn't have any action, so I can put more and better jokes in it. I'm thinking about doing a Twilight one with the actors changed. Of course the main girl will be Sam Jackson! I know nothing about the Twilight itself, but that's what'll make it fun!

Spoiler: show
Lamp has saved the day! Who knew he had such a powerful attack with such a seemingly weak item? Actually, how is a lamp able to destroy heavily military weaponry! Who cares? Lamp is standing face-to-face with the villain that has caused the turtles so much turmoil, and is about to end it.

"Lamp! You pansy bastard! What took you so damn long!"

"You making us wait is so not fabulous. I broke a nail because of your lateness!"

"Good job getting over your hatred of Lamps, esay."

"Yeah, sorry I'm late, ass holes. Tweaser kinda died so I had to bury him."

"The old windbag died? YES!"

"Blender, or whatever your name is, mind telling us why you want us dead? I think those will be fitting as your last words."

Blender stares at Lamp for a second, then confirms something with himself. He takes off his mask, and everyone gasps at surprise at what's under the mask. Blender is a giant mutant frog! Cornelius and Amelio smile at each other.

"A giant frog...you know what that means, Paco?"

"Si! Let me prepare. Lamp! Don't kill him! Just beat him so bad he can't move!"

"I'm going to die soon, anyway, so there's no need to conceal what I am any longer. Like all of you, I used to be a small reptile, but I was thrown in radioactive waste, which somehow turned me into a large mutant humanoid thing. I was living happily with my pregnant wife, then you ass holes came along! You started burning down my home! When you saw my wife, you shoved a fire cracker in her ass, and made her go pop. Then you threw me in radioactive waste just because you thought I'd drown in it. This is the crime you have committed against me, and I intend on making you pay for it!"

"Why would you want to kill me? I was knocked out at that time!"

"Shut up Postulio! So this is why you've annoyed the piss out of us this past month. We'll take this to heart. Next time we have fun time with nature, we'll kill everything! Prepare yourself, Blender!"

Lamp runs at Blender with his lamp post in his hand. Blender tries to keep his distance, but Lamp is too fast. Lamp quickly shortens the distance, and starts swinging at Blender. Blender starts blocking with his sword, but it's not doing much good. Lamp is far stronger than Blender, and his swings force Blender to put everything into defending himself. Lamp's next strike sends Blender flying back a few feet. Blender takes this chance to throw some grenades and Lamp, and attempt to fall back. Lamp hits all of the grenades with his lamp post and knocks them all back at Blender. All of the grenades explode at Blender, causing heavy damage to him. Blender is laid down on the ground, and can hardly move any more.

"I guess I'll wait for Amelio to get back before killing you. I'll make sure you won't be able to pull any more monkey business with us."

Lamp encases blender in a large, human sized lamp to make sure he doesn't get away. Blender doesn't struggle, or even seem worried. He seems resigned to his fate.

"Don't think this is the end. I have prepared one last trick that'll activate when I die. If this doesn't destroy you, then I guess you bastards are immortal."

"I'll take whatever you have coming for me."

"Yo amigos! Sorry it took so long!"

Amelio's back from wherever he went, and he's back with what looks like to be a fairly large dynamite. What could he be planning to do with it?

"Aww hell yeah! Nice find, Paco!"

"Is this why you're making me hold off on killing him? Just for a stick of dynamite? I can crush him inside the lamp I have him trapped in at any time."

"You don't get it, Lamp. There's no better way to kill a giant frog than to stick a giant fire cracker in its ass!"

"You jackasses."

"I protest to this cruel treatment to this poor frog! Animals like this must be-"

A lamp forms behind Postulio, and crashes against his head, knocking him out. Lamp removes the lamp encasing Blender, and Cornelius holds him down. Amelio takes the stick of dynamite, and shoves it far up Blender's posterior. Amelio lights up the fuse, and they watch as the fuse starts to burn out.

"So this is how I go, eh? Atleast I get to go like my wife did. When I die, a signal will be sent for the military to nuke this city, since your existence is a threat to this country. Good-bye you scum of this planet!"

"What a fucking wind-bag. Die quietly like the dog you are!"

"He's a frog."

"Shut up, smart ass!"

The fuse finally burns out, causing the dynamite to explode. Blender is blown to many tiny pieces, and Amelio and Cornelius celebrate the defeat of an enemy that threatened the very peace of the world.

"That was so cool! It was much better than doing it to small frogs!"

"Yes it was, esay."

Just as the team was celebrating, a massive bomb starts falling towards the city. It seems Blender's warning is coming true. Not even the turtles can survive this! Lamp smiles at the massive bomb, and raises his arm at it. As the bomb is falling, it becomes slowly encased in glass. Before it can hit the earth, the bomb is fully encased in a even more massive lamp, and is floating above ground.

"Hey Amelio, you said you wanted to take over this city, right? That's far too small scale. I say we take over this damn country! They're going to keep attacking us until we either destroy them all or they kill us. I think owning a full country of followers sounds nice. Let me start by warping this here nuke into this country's capitol, severely damaging its chain of command."

"That's a great idea, esay! Leave it to the brightest member of the team to come up with something like this."

"I don't care, as long as me and my moose have shit to kill. Just don't hog all of the carnage for yourself, Lamp.

The massive lamp that's encasing the bomb vanishes. It's warped directly in the capitol where all of the high ranking executives are. The bomb explodes, destroying everything within a ten mile radius. The three turtles all agree to put together their efforts to make this country a better place.

It takes several years, but with their combined efforts, the country becomes fully under the turtles' control. It's a little uncivilized, but it has become a much better place. There's no more law. Everyone is on equal terms, and the strong make it further than anyone else. The turtles all go their separate ways in order to find their own form of happiness in their newly owned country.

Cornelius ends up wandering around the country with his moose, whom he named Tyrone. He searches high and low for anyone to challenge. Even though he has taken over a country, his thirst for battle will never be quenched.

Amelio spends his time sleeping in a hammock. He has assembled a team of followers, and other than warding off assassination attempts, he never has to get up. To Amelio, his current life is pure bliss.

As Postulio originally planned, he gets a team of followers to plant him a massive vegetable garden. He has every vegetable imaginable. Unfortunately, every year, when his vegetables are about ready to be picked, someone burns down his entire garden. Serves him right!

Lamp spends his days furthering his mastery of lamps. While it's still far off from him, Lamp intends on making life in a planet-sized lamp that will house all kinds of life.

The end

"This, kids, is how our country became the wonderful place it is. We're no longer bound by those dreadful "laws" and power is the only voice for us. The strong thrive, and weak die off. We all have to thank the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for making this country so great, and-"

"Shut the hell up!"

One of my students starts to pull out a gun from his pocket, but before he has a chance to, I pull out my own gun and shoot him in the head, killing him.

"Anyone else think my teaching is boring?"

Everyone shakes their heads.

"Good. Well my lesson's almost over anyway. I hope you can learn to appreciate what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have done for us. You can all go home now. Just make sure you aren't raped or killed on the way home."
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Old 12-02-2011, 01:54 PM   #6
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Genius.

I eagerly anticipate your future works. Although if there's no action I expect copious amounts of DRAMA.

Last edited by Char; 12-02-2011 at 01:58 PM.
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Old 12-04-2011, 03:18 PM   #7
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I've started on the Twilight Cast change one I was talking about last post. Chapter 1 is finished, but I think I'll post it here rather than make another topic, since I don't want to flood the forum. If a mod or something think it's more appropriate, please change the topic name to "Story time with BBB".

Like always, this is full of my usual, crude humor. Though, the humor is nowhere near as dark as my last one. This basically me retelling the events of the Twilight movie with different actors. Obviously, I have never seen the Twilight movie and I'm just filling in the blanks.

Spoiler: show
Cast list:

Bella : Samuel L Jackson

Bella's "Mom": Owen Wilson

Bella's Father: Ben Stiller

Jacob: Chris Farley

Edward: Nick Swardson

Edward's limo driver: Ryan Dunn

Edward's maid: Queen Latifa

Principal: Hulk Hogan

Bella's homeroom teacher: Mentok the Mindtaker

Bella is in a field of white roses, and is embraced by some hot mystery guy. He smiles at her, and pledges his undying love for her.

"I love you more than anything. I would kill my family for you. You're more beautiful than Snow White, Cinderella, Princess Jasmine, Ariel, and Queen Ursula all melded into one."

"Shut up and fuck me already, mother fucker!"

The mysterious guy laughs at Bella's forward attitude, and puts his face closer to hers. He slowly move his lips towards hers, but when their lips connect, she feels something hard and plastic. She opens her eyes to realize she's kissing her Justin Bieber action figure. Her mind clears, and she realizes that she was just having a dream.

"God damn! My pants are wet and my cootie itches!"

Bella is the main character of this story. Bella is a plain-looking Caucasian girl with brown hair. She's a very straightforward and headstrong girl, which sometimes turns other people away. However, very, very, very deep inside her rests a gentle soul who just wants someone to love her, I think. She gets up and changes her clothes for school. She leaves her room, but when she heads for the front door to leave the house, she hears her parents arguing.

"Why do I always have to be the woman? I want to be the man sometimes, too!"

"You're the woman because you look and act the most womanly between the two of us!"

"I think you're both little bitches!"

Bella shouts towards them, then leaves. She skips joyfully down the street while heading toward school. Luckily, she doesn't live far from school, so she can easily walk there.

"La-la-la-la-la mother fucker!"

Bella arrives at her school after a short walk. There's really no extraordinary aspects of the school other than the statue of the principal showing off his muscles. It's the beginning of the school after a long and enjoyable school break. She walks to her locker to put some of her things up, but she sees a note inside of it.

"Oh shit! Is someone confessing their love to me? I don't think my heart is ready!"

She opens the note to see only two words on it. The words read: "Black man". Bella will not tolerate someone insulting her girly image.

"Someone's gettin' their asses beat!"

Bella sees a group of girls giggling and looking at her. She quickly identifies them as the bullies, and walks over to them. There's about three girls, and they surround Bella when she walks to them. The leader smirks and starts speaking to Bella.

"So here's the ugly skank. You're gonna pay for sleeping with my boyfriend!"

"Is your boyfriend the little pussy with his initials tattooed on his ass? I didn't sleep with the little pussy! He passed out when I put my tongue down his throat!"

"You fucking bitch! Lets get her!"

When they start to grab her hair, she punches all three of them on the face. One of the girls was knocked on the ground, so Bella punts her in the stomach. Another girl is standing up, but she's dazed from that strong punch. Bella takes the girl's head, and repeatedly slams it in a locker. She stops when the door of the locker is covered in blood. When Bella is done with her, she looks for the leader, but she doesn't see her. She must have run away.

"What a bunch of pussies!"

Bella spits on the other two. She pays attention to her surroundings to see that a circle of spectators has formed around her. She scowls at them, and the group quickly disperses. A teacher walks up to her with a stern expression on his face.

"Fighting on the first day of school? Off to the principal's office with you! Else you face the wrath of the mind taker! Oooooiiiiiiioooooiiiii!"

The teacher makes weird hand gestures over his face while making those noises. Bella wants to punch the teacher, but she restrains herself. She walks to the principal's office as asked, and sits in front of his desk. The principal isn't in the office, but after waiting for only a minute, he walks in.

"What are you doing in my office, brother?"

"I'm not your god damn brother! I was sent here after beating the shit out of three bitches!"

"Ah, fighting in school. You shouldn't do that, brother! I'll give you a warning this time, but if I see it again, you're going to alternative school! What ya gonna do, when alternative school runs wild on you?"

The principal rips his shirt off, and sends Bella back to class. Bella heads to her homeroom class, which is still going on. She enters the room, and notices a guy sitting in her desk. She throws the guy out of her seat and sits down.

"You're late! No-one shall be late in my class! Oh, you're the girl I sent to the principal's office. Nevermind then!"

The teacher who sent her to the principal's office is her homeroom teacher. He's sitting Indian style while floating about 5 feet in the air. He then points at a fat guy in the room.

"You! Jacob! Stop thinking about fat girls and pay attention!"

"H-h-how did you know what I was thinking about?"

The teacher smiles proudly.

"Because I'm Professor Mentok The Mindtaker! I know everything! Oooooiiiiioooooiiiiii!"

The rest of the day passes by uneventfully. She decides to go to the park to smell the flowers for a little while. During her walk, she spots something very unusual. It's a man in a full suit of armor. He seems to be waiting for something. The guy caught Bella's attention, so she decides to talk to him.

"What kind of crazy mother fucker goes to a park in a suit of armor!"

"Eeeeek! You startled me! Don't speak so loudly!"

"I'll talk as loudly as I damn well please! Now answer my god damn question!"

"Uhhh...umm...I'm not too good with the sun, so I-"

"Speak up mother fucker!"

"I'm weak against the sun, so I have to wear this suit of armor outdoors!"

"I see! That's too bad!"

As Bella was about to continue her conversation, a large African American woman in a maid outfit hugs the man in armor around the neck.

"Come on, sugar. It's time for you to go home."

"Hey, pansy! What's your name?"

"My name's Edward. Edward Cullin. Please stop yelling at me."

"My name's Bella Swan! Remember it mother fucker!"

Edward is led to a limo. The driver of the limo seems to be enjoying some hard alcohol. When Edward and the maid get into the limo, the driver speeds off before letting them close the door, hitting a couple and a few animals along the way. Bella feels that this will be the start of a great new friendship. She feels fulfilled at her encounter, and decides to go home.

She heads straight to the kitchen to see what she can find to eat, since her parents are gone. She settles for a raw piece of steak, and eats it with her hands while heading to her room. She also chugs a gallon of milk on the way to her room. There's nothing for her to do, so she watches some girly shows on TV to pass the time, but eventually falls asleep. After some time, she wakes up with an intense urge to urinate.

"I've gotta piss like a fucking race horse!"

Bella runs to the bathroom, but notices her father banging the bathroom door. Her mother is on the other side of the door.

"I'm sorry I played with your mustache in public! I'll never do it again!"

"You never think about my feelings! I'm trying to be the best woman I can be for you, despite not wanting to, and you have to do something like that in front of everyone!"

"Let me use the fucking bathroom!"

"We're busy right now, Bella. Use the yard or something."

"God damn!"

Bella frustratedly goes outside and finds a good place to squat. While she's urinating, she hears a wolf howling near her. The noise is incredibly loud, and starts to get on her nerves. She gets up, puller her pants up, then she goes inside, grabs a baseball bat, and heads back outside. She walks to the source of the noise, and is a little surprised to see what's causing it. It's a werewolf about two feet taller than her. It seems to be howling at the house of a chubby girl who lives near her. Bella walks up to the werewolf and starts mercilessly beating it with the baseball bat.

"Shut the fuck up! Some people are trying to sleep, mother fucker!"

The werewolf struggles, but Bella's strength with the baseball bat is too much for it. Bella keeps beating the werewolf until it stops moving. Bella's satisfied with her handiwork and decides to head back to her house. Upon returning to her house, she realizes she was still peeing when she first got up to grab the baseball bat. Her pants are soaked.

"God damn!"

Bella's parents are still arguing through the bathroom door, and this time, she doesn't have the patience to wait.

"I've gotta take a fucking bath!"

Bella punches her father in the face, tears the bathroom door off, and kicks her mother out of the bathroom. Bella takes a bath to clean the urine on her legs, and changes her clothes. She notices her father's still knocked out in the hallway, so Bella puts her urine-stained panties over her father's head, then decides to go to bed, since it's pretty late. She thinks about all of the interesting people she met, and goes to sleep thinking about how her new school year will be more interesting than ever.

Chapter 1 end
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Old 12-23-2011, 08:03 PM   #8
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I've had chapter 2 done for a while, but I keep forgetting to post it, so here it is. As for chapter 3.....coming up with good jokes, ideas, and a direction is proving difficult. Oh, also, I decided to make Edward albino instead of a vampire. I think it's a much better direction!

Spoiler: show
Cast List:

Bella's stalker: Rob Schneider

Edward's father: Terry Crews

Bella is searching around what looks like a field of white cloth. In the middle of the field is a bed with a naked guy on top of it. His privates are conveniently covered by the cloth. He is a fairly small guy with a weak composure. He's incredibly scared of Bella when he sees her. Bella maliciously smiles when she sees him.

"I'm gonna have some fun with you, boy!"

"No! Get away from me, scary lady!"

Bella goes over to him and tries to pin him down. He struggles, and manages to shove her off the bed. She gets up from the fall and sees her bed room. It seems that she was dreaming.

"Mother fucker!"

Bella breaks her bedroom window out of anger. She puts on her clothes for school and heads for her parents' bedroom. She walks to her mother, and kicks her on the backside.

"Make me some mother fucking breakfast, mother fucker!"

"Aww, are you in a bad mood, dear? Let me make you some breakfast."

"Make it snappy, bitch!"

Bella's mother runs out of the room in an excessively girly manner and heads for the kitchen. About 3 minutes later, her mother runs back to her room, and gives Bella a bowl of cereal.

"Thank you, bitch! If I wasn't a girl, I'd make you my wife!"

Bella takes the bowl of cereal and starts eating it as she walks to her front door. She exits the font door, and heads to school. She gulps down the last of the milk, and throws the bowl at a passing car. It breaks through the front window and hits the driver's head, causing him to lose control and crash. Bella continues walking to school as though nothing happened. When she reaches, the school, something strange is going on. Her classmate, Jacob Black, is acting very strangely. He has taken his shirt off, and is on top of the statue of the principal.

"Hell yeah! ADCD! Lets rock! Wooooooooo!"

"I should have used my god damn cereal bowl on this ass hole!"

Jacob is rocking his head up and down, but eventually passes out and falls off of the statue. Bella and everyone else watching loses interest and leaves the passed out Jacob on the ground. Bella attends class like usual, but Jacob is missing through part of the day. He eventually returns, and everyone says he was acting strangely because of head trauma. Nothing happens during class. During lunch time, Bella orders the daily special, and sits at a table with some of the more popular girls in the school. They aren't pleased with her sitting there, but they don't say anything, since she has a reputation for being violent.

"This is some good mother fucking food! Mmmmmmmm-mmmmmmm bitch!"

She gets a little too into her eating, and starts eating from the plates of the people she's sitting with. They stare at her with a bewildered expression at first, then they just leave the table with their trays still on the table. She pays no mind, and continues eating. Jacob notices of the food on the table, and starts picking at the food as well. Bella notices him and throws a plate at him, which he barely dodges.

"This is my god damn food, mother fucker! Get your own!"

"What the hell? It's not like a girl like you can eat all of this food! Share some with me!"

"If you don't get away from this table, I'm gonna have to whoop your fat ass!"

"You're gonna get fatter than me if you keep eating like that!"

Jacob makes those parting words and then leaves. Right as Bella finishes her food, and the food of 6 other girls, lunch break ends. Bella's having a hard time walking, but she somehow makes it back to class. As she's attending class, her stomach is in pain. She realizes how much of a mistake it was to eat 7 peoples' worth of food. While class is going on, she rushes to the female's bathroom. Luckily, all of the stalls are empty, so no-one has to be thrown out. Bella takes a seat and starts doing her business. She hears someone come in shortly after her. She pays no mind and continues. The person stops right in-front of her door. Bella's having a bit of trouble, but she's trying. Bella looks up, to see the top of a guy's head looking into her stall.

"You can do it!"

Bella's furious at the guy, but she can't get up. Bella finishes quickly, then tears down the stall door, but by the time she did, the guy was long gone. Bella starts to walk out of the bathroom, and the guy sneaks up to her and whispers in her ear.

"You did it!"

"You creepy mother fucker!"

Bella swings her fist at him, but he's not there. She begins doubting whether or not he was actually there to begin with. The rest of the school day goes by uneventfully. When school ends, Bella decides to look for Edward. She has no clue where he might be, so she starts looking around the park, but he's not there. She remembers that Edward had a maid and a limo, so she figured that he might live in the area where all of the rich people live. When she reaches the place, it doesn't take her long to spot the one large mansion with a gate that has a limo driven through it. The limo driver is on top of the car, and when he notices Bella, he stops her, and starts talking to her.

"Hey, little girl! Want to watch me kick a bear in the nads?"

"You go and get yourself killed by yourself!"

The drunk limo driver heads back into the limo, and drives off, hitting a few other cars on the way out. Bella walks in the mansion without knocking, and looks around for Edward. The maid she met yesterday spots her.

"Who are you, and what are you doing in here?"

"Can't you tell that I'm looking for someone?"

"No, I can't. I met you yesterday when you were talking to Edward. Is he the one you're looking for?"

"Why yes I am! Where the hell is he?"

"Hon, I'm the only one who's gonna lick his butter bowl. You're gonna get through me if you want to see him."

"Lets rumble, mother fucker!"

The maid and Bella get into fighting poses, and stare at each other. When they were about to fight, the roof collapses between them, and a large man appears from the rubble. He's a large, shirtless, muscular African American man, and he's riding on a white tiger.

"Why are you fighting in my house? Anyone wanting to destroy my property will have to answer to me!"

"Calm down, mother fucker! I'm just here to see Edward, and this god damn fat ass started shit with me!"

"Why didn't you say so? My son is asleep right now, and all this noise you're making will wake him up! Edward is weak to the sunlight, so he's only awake during the night! Come back then!"

"Calm the fuck down!"

The man riding the white tiger is apparently the owner of the house. He screams everything he speaks, which takes even Bella off guard, who only shouts everything she says. As he speaks, his body convulses, and veins bulge out of him. When the master of the house finishes talking with Edward, he punches down the door to a nearby room, and goes in there. The maid isn't anywhere in sight.

Bella decides to look for Edward while he's asleep. There's nothing that arouses Bella more than someone weak and helpless. She looks in each room that she can find, and eventually finds a bedroom with someone asleep in the bed. She concludes that this must be Edward's room. She walks up closer to him to see what he looks like. Edward looks exactly like the guy she saw in her dream earlier this morning. He's a small, Caucasian guy with a weak composure. She licks her lips at the sight.

"You're mine, you scrawny little bitch!"

Bella starts reaching for Edward's privates, but as she does, the wall in Edward's room collapses. The master of the house seems to be the cause, and he looks rather displeased, according to his standards at least. To any normal person, he looks furious.

"I told you not to wake my boy! I'm gonna have to use force to remove you from this house!"

"I don't think so, mother fucker!"

Bella throws a table at the house's owner, and jumps outside through the window. She knows she isn't a match for a guy that large and a white tiger. Bella decides to head back home, since it's getting dark outside. Her father greets her at the door. He's wearing a dress and a wig.

"Hello, my daughter! I'll be your mother today!"

"Those clothes suit a pussy like you!"

Bella's not in a good mood. She's like a dog who had a delicious piece of meat dangling in front of her, but was unable to eat it. She sees her mother wearing a suit, but still acting needlessly girly. Bella walks over to her mother, kicks her in the stomach, and throws her across the room. Bella goes to the kitchen, grabs a package of sandwich meat and a 2 liter of cola, and takes them to her room. After finishing her meal, she ends the day. She realizes that she should probably prepare a few weapons the next time she wants to visit Edward's house, and goes to bed with that thought.

Chapter 2 end
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Old 05-24-2014, 01:35 PM   #9
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bbb where are the updates?
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Old 07-13-2014, 08:59 PM   #10
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nice!
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