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Old 05-18-2008, 02:53 AM   #1
enchantress
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Dragonair For a laugh

If you have something to post that will give others a giggle, post it here. The idea for this thread came when my auntie sent me this hilarious email and I wanted to share it. I'll post it next, and if you have anything you'd like to add, then please feel free to post away!
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Old 05-18-2008, 02:59 AM   #2
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Making a baby (this is great & clean)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you ."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs.Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" ..

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."



Mrs. Smith fainted ..
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Old 05-18-2008, 05:39 AM   #3
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Re: For a laugh

I'll assume you'd like these kept clean, so I'll only post a couple that I have handy...

~~~~~~~~~~~

The best absent excuse I've ever heard:
"Hi, this is Joe. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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Old 05-18-2008, 06:29 AM   #4
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Re: For a laugh

Old (ok a couple of weeks but still funny)

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Old 05-18-2008, 09:04 AM   #5
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Random jokes I snagged from a Mandarin joke book

Son: Dad, how come rockets can fly so fast?
Dad: You'd run that fast if your butt was on fire, too!


A school inspector is sitting in for a class of grade school children, along with the principal. At the end of the class, he gestures at the globe placed on the teacher's table, and asks, "Now who can tell me why this globe is tilted at an angle of 23.5 degrees?" Instantly the classroom is filled with the sounds of "It wasn't me, sir!"

The inspector shakes his head and turns to the teacher. Gently, she informs him, "I'm sorry, Mr. Inspector, but this globe was already tilted when we purchased it."

Angrily the inspector glares at the principal, who coughs nervously, "Admittedly, we've been short on funds these days; we can't afford anything but second-hand supplies."

The inspector faints.


Three teens are boasting about their respective fathers while sitting on a lakeshore.
A: My father can hold his breath for three minutes underwater!
B: Mine can hold his breath for five minutes underwater!
C: Pfeh, that's nothing! My dad went underwater in this lake four years ago, and he STILL hasn't come up for breath!


Mom: Your dad just sent an email saying he'll take a plane and be back tomorrow.
Son: Mom, which travels faster; email or plane?
Mom: Email, of course.
Son: So why doesn't Dad just take an email and be back today?


Son: Mom, would you say Dad was shy?
Mom: If he wasn't shy, son, you'd already be four years older!


A father and son are at a bar. Concerned that his father might end up drunk, the son asked, "Dad, how do I know if you're drunk?" Without thinking, the father gives his son an example: "If I look to my right and see four people sitting there instead of two, you'll know I'm drunk."

At once, the son tries to drag his father off his seat. "We'd better leave. There's only one person sitting on your right; you're drunk already!"
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Old 05-19-2008, 03:35 PM   #6
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Re: For a laugh

I don't know if people around here follow American politics, so they might not get this, but this made me happy when I saw it a few weeks ago:

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Old 05-20-2008, 07:59 PM   #7
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Re: For a laugh

Going through my Humor folder, and trying to decide what things I think you guys would like and more than 50% of you haven't seen (ruling out most video game web comics instantaneously) ...

http://myownprivatesh.ytmnd.com/ (refers to the 2007 San Diego forest fires)
http://jokebone.ytmnd.com/

UPN old-timers'll know that I love me some engrish.com samples of Engrish. Here are some I've never posted on UPN before, plus a classic I've posted many times but it's so epic it deserves a reposting.
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Old 06-11-2008, 05:06 PM   #8
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Re: For a laugh

Follow this link. It's hilarious.
http://www.japanforum.com/forum/engl...nslations.html
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Old 11-01-2009, 07:13 PM   #9
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A man and his son are walking in a super market when they happen to walk by a display of condoms. Immediately the son tugs on his father's shirt and points to the display.

"What are those, dad?" He asks.

"Those are condoms. Men put them on when having sex as a means of protection." The father replies.

"Why would you need three of them?" The son asks.

"Oh, well... those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday." The son nods, and then points at a six pack of condoms.

"Then why is there a pack of six?"

"Well... those are for college boys. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday." Again the boy nods, but then he spots a twelve pack.

"Who needs to buy a twelve pack?" He asks curiously. With a sigh and tears forming in his eyes, the dad responds ...

"Those, son, are for married men ... one for January, one for February, one for March ....."
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Old 12-29-2009, 03:27 AM   #10
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I think we're all familiar with this one but dammit if it still isn't hilarious as all hell.

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