01-10-2016, 05:52 PM | #1 |
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The Bachelor
This show is awful!
LET'S WATCH IT TOGETHER ALL-CAPS LIVEBLOG STYLE (NO GODDAMN SPOILERS I SWEAR TO DOG) |
01-10-2016, 06:02 PM | #2 |
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FIRST THING'S FIRST LET'S MEET OUR HERO
Spoiler: show HIS NAME IS BEN AND LIKE ALL THE GENERIC HUNKY MEN ON THIS SHOW HE WAS DRAGGED OUT OF THE LOSERS CIRCLE FROM THE LAST SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE WHEN CRAZY-MC CRAZYPANTS MISS CANADA USA KAITLYN DROPPED HIS SORRY ASS (I DIDN'T WATCH THAT SEASON BUT I HEARD IT WAS PRETTY MISERABLE AND SHE SUCKED ON THE LAST SEASON ANYWAY) HE'S A #HOTTIEWITHABODY (as always) AND AN #ALLAMERICANBOY (as always) WITH ABOUT AS MUCH PERSONALITY AS A STALE CHESTNUT AND DOES SOMETHING WITH SOFTWARE THAT IS REALLY BORING AND IS PRETTY MUCH AS HEARTTHROBBY AND GENERIC AS POSSIBLE SO DESPERATE SAPS LIKE ME WILL SWOON OVER HIM WHENEVER HE CRACKS AN AWKWARD SMILE UNLIKE (OR MAYBE JUST LIKE) MOST OTHER BACHELORS, THOUGH, ALL HIS PROMO PHOTOS LOOK LIKE HE'S HOLDING IN A REALLY BIG SHIT OR MAYBE JUST HIS REPRESSED EMOTIONS BUT IM GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS IN THE PREVIEWS |
01-10-2016, 06:33 PM | #3 |
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PREVIEWS
CARNIVAL DATES, BASEBALL DATES, SWAMP DATES, OH MY! CLAWS COMING OUT! ALLEGATIONS OF MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS! NO FEWER THAN SEVEN WOMEN CRYING! AND OH BOY ANOTHER PANIC ATTACK DIS GUN BE GUD THE BACHELOR INTERVIEW LET'S PLAY BACHELOR BINGO CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S HERE? CHECK GOOD OLD SMALL TOWN BOY? CHECK MASCULINE SHOW OF ATHLETICISM IN AN UNREALISTICALLY BEAUTIFUL BACKDROP OF RURAL AMERICA? CHECK, CHECK, CHECK AWKWARD NOSTALIGA TRIP WHERE HE'S SUDDENLY THE STAR OF THE TOWN? CHECKAROONY OBLIQUE STATEMENT ABOUT HOW ONLY A WIFE CAN MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER? BINGO!!!! IN SUMMARY: GENERIC SMALLTOWN HUNK WITH NO REAL PERSONALITY YUP SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT NEXT: AN ETERNAL FOUNT OF NEUROSES (I.E. THE POOR, EXPLOITED LADIES) |
01-10-2016, 07:08 PM | #4 |
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THE WOMEN INTERVIEWED
NOWS THE TIME IN OUR SHOW WHEN WE PICK A RANDOM SELECTION OF WOMEN AND WATCH THEM FAKE THE THINGS THEY DO IN THEIR DAILY LIVES TO GIVE US A CARICATURED IMPRESSION OF WHAT THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE LIKE LETS GUESS HOW MANY OF THEM LAST THROUGH THE END OF THIS EPISODE (but first is the boring advice dispensation from old bachelors. haha just kidding. SKIP) UGH SHUT UP CHRIS HARRISON OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS YOU ARE SO USELESS NAME: LAUREN B. AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: FLIGHT ATTENDANT HOMETOWN: MARINA DEL REY, CA GENERIC BLONDE BEACH BABE SHE'S SO SINGLE, IT'S SO SAD #mrshiggens #VOMIT TOO BLONDE TOO CUTESY SHE'S SAFE WOMAN NUMBER TWO NAME: CALIA AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: SOFTWARE SALES REP (THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER) HOMETOWN: HUDSON, OH BRUNETTE, PRETTY, BORING, MIDWESTERN, NO DISCERNIBLE INTEREST OR PERSONALITY TRAITS, FAILS THE BECHDEL TEST IMMEDIATELY TOP 4 EASY WOMAN NUMBER THREE NAME: JUBILEE AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: WAR VETERAN HOMETOWN: FORT LAUDERDALE, FL BAD BITCH ARMY CHICK WHO WILL KICK YOUR ASS AND LOOK FABULOUS DOING IT WOW THEY ACTUALLY FOUND SOMEONE INTERESTING AND COMPELLING BUT SHE'S BLACK SORRY GIRL SEE YOU NEXT SEASON WOMAN NUMBER FOUR NAME: MANDI AGE: 28 OCCUPATION: HOMETOWN: PORTLAND, OR QUIRKY GIRL, BUT LIKE, SADISTIC AND EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE BUT SHE'S TOTALLY QUIRKY YOU GUYS I VOTE HER AS DRAMA LLAMA (EWWWW SHE MADE A GROSS JOKE ABOUT AN ORAL EXAM) WOM NAME(S): EMILY/HAILEY AGE(S): 22 OCCUPATION: TWINS (NO IT ACTUALLY SAYS TWINS) HOMETOWN: LAS VEGAS, NV IT'S LIKE THE SHINING BUT BLONDER AND EVEN MORE CREEPY THAT WAS NAUSEATING WOMAN NUMBER SIX NAME: AMANDA AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: AESTHETICIAN HOMETOWN: RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA HERE'S THE MOM AND SHE HAS TWO DAUGHTERS THAT'S ALL NEXT WOMAN NUMBER SEVEN NAME: TIARA AGE: 27 OCCUPATION: CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST (YES I AM NOT SHITTING YOU HERE EITHER) HOMETOWN: REDMOND, WA I REALLY DONT HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HER DO I WOMAN NUMBER EIGHT NAME: SAM AGE: 26 OCCUPATION: ATTORNEY HOMETOWN: NEW SMYRNA BEACH, FL HEY LOOK A NORMAL PERSON ...NO WAIT SHE HAS A SAD PARENTAL DEATH STORY WELL OKAY SHE SEEMS DECENTLY GROUNDED WELL THAT WAS AN... INTERESTING PREVIEW NEXT UP, FIRST IMPRESSIONS OOOOOH BOY |
01-10-2016, 07:43 PM | #5 |
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FIRST IMPRESSIONS
OK SO THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE GODDAMNED SHOW BECAUSE FOR ONE GLORIOUS HOUR OF UNBRIDLED REALITY TV TRASH, WE GET TO SEE 24 GROWN WOMEN MAKE ABSOLUTE ASSES OUT OF THEMSELVES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION ITS PRETTY MUCH THE GREATEST AND TO MAKE IT EVEN BETTER, THEY KICK HALF OF THEM OFF AFTER THE FIRST NIGHT AND TO MAKE IT EVEN EVEN BETTER, THEY'RE ALL ALSO COMPETING FOR AN IMMUNITY ROSE SO THESE GIRLS THINK UP SOME PRETTY CRAZY SHIT TO STAY ON THIS SHOW ANOTHER WEEK LET'S GET IT ON LIKE DIXIE KONG BUTTTTT BEFORE WE EVEN GET STARTED!!!! RETURNING GIRLS FROM LAST SEASON (ughhhhhh) BUT WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT LATER LET'S GET TO THE LADIES (shut up chris harrison no one cares about you) FIRST UP NAME: LAUREN B. AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: FLIGHT ATTENDANT HOMETOWN: MARINA DEL REY, CA SEE ABOVE SHE'S A FLIGHT ATTENDANT SO SHE BROUGHT WINGS AND MADE A JOKE ABOUT TAKING OFF NUMBAH TWO NAME: CALIA AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: SOFTWARE SALES REP (THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER) HOMETOWN: HUDSON, OH SHE JUMPS INTO HIS ARMS IMMEDIATELY LOCK FOR THE ROSE THIS ONE TAKES IT ALL, CALLING IT NOW THIRD NAME: JENNIFER AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: SMALL BUSINESS OWNER HOMETOWN: FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (AGAIN?) BORING, UNASSUMING, MILDLY CHARMING MEH FOURTH NAME: JAMI AGE: 23 OCCUPATION: BARTENDER HOMETOWN: ST. ALBERT, ALBERTA OKAY WOW THIS GIRL IS ACTUALLY KINDA CUTE AND NORMAL BUT SHE'S ALSO VAGUELY ETHNIC AND CANADIAN SO THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN AND SHE ALSO KNOWS KATELYN (WEIRD) BUT SHE ALMOST MADE A DICK JOKE SO POINTS! SHAME SHE'S GONE TONIGHT FIVER NAME: SAM(ANTHA) AGE: 26 OCCUPATION: ATTORNEY HOMETOWN: NEW SMYRNA BEACH, FL HER VOICE IS SO BREATHY OMG AND SHE JUST MADE A REALLY BAD LAW JOKE GOD UGH SIX(Y) NAME: JUBILEE AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: WAR VETERAN HOMETOWN: FORT LAUDERDALE, FL OH HEY HE SEEMS KINDA INTO HER AWW THIS IS SO CUTE SHE USED A REALLY CUTE PICKUP LINE ON HIM MAN I REALLY HOPE SHE LASTS NO CHANCE THOUGH SEVEN NAME: AMANDA AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: AESTHETICIAN HOMETOWN: RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA NEW DRINKING GAME: TAKE A SHOT EVERY TIME SHE MENTIONS HER KIDS IT IS ADVISABLE TO HAVE 911 AND POISON CONTROL ON SPEEDDIAL EIGHT NAME: LACE (LIKE THE FABRIC?) AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: REAL ESTATE AGENT HOMETOWN: DENVER, CO SHE'S WEARING LACE I GET IT WEIRD SHE KISSED HIM THAT WAS REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD UGH NINER NAME: LAUREN R. AGE: 26 OCCUPATION: MATH TEACHER HOMETOWN: HOUSTON, TX SHE SEEMS DRUNK AND SHE ALSO ADMITTED TO STALKING HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA I MEAN LIKE WE ALL DO THAT BUT SRSLY SAVE IT FOR THE FIFTH DATE AND SHE HAS SOMETHING "SPECIAL" TO SHOW HIM AND DIDN'T TELL HIM HER NAME SHE DRUNK AS HELL TEN NAME: SHUSHANNA AGE: 27 OCCUPATION: MATHEMATICIAN (SEXY) HOMETOWN: SALT LAKE CITY, UT (BUT SHE'S A MORMON) AND SHE IS SPEAKING RUSSIAN??? I UH YEAH NOT SURE WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT NEXT LIMO NAME: LEAH AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: EVENT PLANNER HOMETOWN: DENVER, CO SHE BROUGHT A FOOTBALL UGH AND SHE'S HIKING IT THROUGH HER DISASTER OF A SEQUIN DRESS THE WORST TWELVE NAME: JOELLE "JOJO" AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER HOMETOWN: DALLAS, TX SHE IS WEARING A UNICORN MASK I TAKE IT BACK SHE IS THE WORST (HAHAH HE CALLS IT NORMAL) UNLUCKY NUMBER THIRTEEN NAME: LAUREN H AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: KINDERGARTEN TEACHER HOMETOWN: ANN ARBOR, MI SUUUUUUPER MIDWESTERN AND SHE CAUGHT THE BOUQUET AT A WEDDING SHE WAS AT LAST WEEK AND SHE BROUGHT HIM THE ROTTING FLOWERS HOW CUTE FOURTEEN NAME: LAURA AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE HOMETOWN: LOUISVILLE, KY I THINK THIS IS AMY ADAM'S AND EMMA STONE'S LONG LOST SISTER HER FRIENDS CALL HER RED VELVET WHICH IS INTERESTING BUT SHE SEEMS OKAY FIFTEEN NAME: MANDI AGE: 28 OCCUPATION: HOMETOWN: PORTLAND, OR SHE CAME OUT WEARING A GIGANTIC PAPER ROSE ON HER HEAD BOY IS SHE QUIRKY (EWW SHE MADE A GROSS SEX JOKE ABOUT THE POLLINATING THE ROSE) SIXTEEN + SIXTEEN POINT FIVE NAME: TWIN ONE AND TWIN TWO AGE: THE SAME OCCUPATION: CREEPING PEOPLE OUT HOMETOWN: TWINVILLE, TW UGH THIS IS PAINFUL THEY TALK IN SYNC AND IT'S REALLY WEIRD OKAY COMMERCIAL BREAK WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK |
01-10-2016, 07:53 PM | #6 |
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AAAAND WE'RE BACK
A LITTLE INTERVIEW BREAK CAMERA HAS BEEN FOCUSING ON RED VELVET AND CALIA. GUESS WHO MAKES IT TO THE TOP 8 POOR RED VELVET SHE SEEMS SWEET BUT SHE IS PRETTY CLEARLY INTIMIDATED BY EVERYONE ELSE DESPITE BEING ADORABLE SEVENTEEN? EIGHTEEN? NAME: MAEGAN AGE: 30 OCCUPATION: COWGIRL HOMETOWN: WEATHERFORD, TX THIS GIRL HAS A MINI-HORSE WTF THE MAN'S WOMAN SNORE AND SHE BRINGS THE HORSE INTO THE HOUSE I'VE LOST COUNT NAME: BREANNE AGE: 30 OCCUPATION: NUTRITIONAL THERAPIST HOMETOWN: SEATTLE, WA SHE BROUGHT A PICNIC! ...BUT SHE IS ONE OF THOSE WEIRD GLUTEN-FREE PEOPLE AND THEY ARE BREAKING THE BREAD UGH NEXT NAME: ISABEL "IZZY" AGE: 24 OCCUPATION: GRAPHIC DESIGNER HOMETOWN: BRANFORD, CT SHE IS WEARING A ONESIE "THAT'S REALLY FUCKIN' SPECIAL" KEEP IT REAL, LACE PRÓXIMO NAME: RACHEL AGE: 23 OCCUPATION: UNEMPLOYED HOMETOWN: LITTLE ROCK, AR SHE IS COMING IN ON ONE OF THOSE WEIRD HOVERBOARDS WITH WHEELS SHE MADE A REALLY AWFUL PICKUP LINE JOKE TOO UGH (FYI LACE IS ESTABLISHING HER AS A BITCH SO THIS WILL BE FUN) NEXT NAME: JESSICA AGE: 23 OCCUPATION: ACCOUNTANT HOMETOWN: BOCA RATON, FL SHE SEEMS TOTALLY NORMAL BORING, NEXT NAME: CHICKEN GIRL AGE: CHICKEN AGE OCCUPATION: CHICKENS HOMETOWN: CHICKEN CITY, CHICKENS SHE DIDN'T MENTION HER CHICKENS I'M DISAPPOINTED NAME: LAUREN "LB" AGE: 23 OCCUPATION: FASHION BUYER HOMETOWN: STILLWATER, OK ANOTHER NORMAL GIRL NAME: JACKIE AGE: 23 OCCUPATION: GERONTOLOGIST (???) HOMETOWN: SAN FRAN, CA SHE STUDIES OLD PEOPLE SO AND SHE BROUGHT HIM A SAVE THE DATE CARD WITH THEIR NAMES ON IT WELL OKAY NAME: OLIVIA AGE: 23 OCCUPATION: NEWS ANCHOR HOMETOWN: AUSTIN, TX SHE'S REALLLYYYYY NERVOUS THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT DIMPLES? SHE SEEMS BORING THO OKAY BYEEEEEE CHRIS HARRISON MAKES A BAD JOKE ABOUT HORSES AND UNICORNS AND BACHELORS GO AWAY CHRIS HARRISON AND THAT'S OUR CREW (EXCEPT FOR THOSE TWO LADIES WHO COME BACK FROM OLDER SEASONS BECAUSE LOL RATINGS GIMMICKS) BRB I GOTTA PEE |
01-10-2016, 08:01 PM | #7 |
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NOW THIS IS THE PART OF OUR SHOW WHERE EVERYONE GAWKS OVER THE GUY AND TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY'VE BEEN STALKING HIM
THIS IS ALSO THE PART WHERE WE ESTABLISH THE STEREOTYPICAL CRAZIES SO PREPARE YOUR ANI (ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THE POC COUNT IS A WHOPPING TWO) AAAAAAND RIGHT OFF THE BAT CRAZY HIPSTER DENTIST CHICK STEALS HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SPEECH AND SHE GIVES HIM A DENTAL EXAM NEWS ANCHOR GIRL (THE LAST ONE) QUIT HER JOB FOR THIS I GUESS SHE'S GONNA STAY FOR NOW CAILA (THE OTHER SOFTWARE PERSON) STARTS TALKING SHOP BUT SHE'S PRETTY CUTE I LIKE HER UGH TWINS SKIPPPPPPPPP AND A WEIRD GAME OF CATCH WITH THE GIRL WITH THE UGLY SEQUIN DRESS AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER UNREMARKABLE WOMEN AAAAAAND HERE COME THE LAST SEASON REJECTS I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THESE WOMEN OH, OH NO ONE OF THEM IS THE VIRGIN GIRL FROM LAST SEASON GOD PLEASE KICK HER OFF I DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN |
01-10-2016, 08:13 PM | #8 |
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OH SHIT IS RIGHT
LACE CONTINUES COMING ON STRONG AS THE BIG BITCH IN CHARGE ALSO GURL IS PRETTY GODDAMNED GONE "EVERYBODY KNOW BECCA, EVERYOBODY KNOWS AMBER" NO ONE KNOWS AMBER YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT AAAAAND HERE COMES BECCA, VIRGIN EXTRAORDINAIREE, TO STEAL THE SHOW (lol pretty sure he has no idea who she is) AND DRUNK AS HELL LACE IS CREEPIN ON THEM MAN THIS IS GR8 AWW C'MON FUKKIN LACE YOU'RE TAKING TIME AWAY FROM JUBILEE THE POOR GIRL ALREADY DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE IDK WHAT'S GOING ON SHE IS SO DRUNK AND HE IS SO NICE AND THIS IS KINDA AWFUL I SORTA HOPE SHE GOES HOME BUT MAN SHE WOULD BE A PRETTY GOOD DRAMA MILL AND TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALL THAT MUCH BETTER, HERE COMES HIPSTER DENTIST TO PERFORM MORE INVASIVE ORAL PROCEDURES OH MAN LACE CALLED HER A BITCH! HERE WE GO!!!! (and poor red velvet got stuck with her bitching boo) OHHHHHH SHIT BEN CAME TO GET LACE HE'S INTO HER THE CORONATION OF THE DRAMA QUEEN AND HERE IS USELESS MAN WITH THE ROSE THEY'RE SHAKIN IN THEIR HEELS |
01-10-2016, 08:18 PM | #9 |
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LACE IS ALREADY CLAIMING BEN SO THAT'S HAPPENED (CHECK OFF YOUR BINGO CARDS FOLKS)
HE LIKES LAUREN B. I ALREADY DON'T REMEMBER WHO SHE IS, SO THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD SIGN AND ANOTHER GIRL HAS A WEIRD CONVERSATION WITH HIM ABOUT MORALS AND COMPATIBILITY WAIT LOL SHE ASKED HIM TO REMEMBER HER NAME AND HE DOESN'T REMEMBER LOLOLOLOLOL OH MAN GET READY HE PICKED UP THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE AND LEFT IMMEDIATELY AAAAAAND HE GRABBED THE NEWS ANCHOR YUUUUUP UN GRAN SUPRISE HOW TO SUCCEED ON THE BACHELOR IN THREE EASY STEPS: STEP 1) QUIT YOUR JOB STEP 2) ??? STEP 3) PROFIT!!! AND CHRIS HARRISON COMES IN AND RUINS ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL MOMENT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS ELIMINATION!!!!! |
01-10-2016, 08:29 PM | #10 |
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WELL LACE IS PRETTY GODDAMNED CRAZY
BUT WE HAVE A SHITLOAD OF FLOWERS TO GIVE OUT THE ROSE CEREMONY SO BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S GO OVER HOW THIS WORKS IT'S PRETTY FUKKIN SIMPLE BOY HAS A VARIABLE AMOUNT OF ROSES THAT CHANGES EVERY TIME THE CAMERA PANS AWAY HE GIVES OUT SAID CHANGING NUMBER OF ROSES TO A LIMITED NUMBER OF GIRLS WHEN THE ROSES FINALLY DISAPPEAR DUE TO TV MAGIC, ALL THE ROSELESS GIRLS GO HOME COMMENCE SOBBING AND WHATEVER THERE IS ALSO APPARENTLY SOME SIGNIFICANCE IN CALLOUT ORDER BUT I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE'S EVER DONE ANY SORT OF STATISTICAL ANALYSIS ON THAT OR IT'S JUST A RUMOR SO LET'S GO: THE ROSED: FORMER ANCHOR WOMAN LAUREN B. (BORING GIRL HE TALKED TO) LB (NO IDEA) CAILA (YAY SHE'S CUTE) AMBER (THE LAST SEASON RECRUIT NO ONE REMEMBERS I.E. RATINGS GIMMICK) JAMI (CUTE VAGUELY ETHNIC BARTENDER) JENNIFER (THE GIRL HE FORGOT) JUBILEE (YAYYYYY THERE IS HOPE FOR THIS WORLD) AMANDA (NO IDEA) JOJO (SHE'S FROM TEXAS) LEA (NO IDEA) RACHEL (NO IDEA) SAM(ANTHA) (ATTORNEY) JACKIE (NO IDEA) TWIN NUMBER ONE TWIN NUMBER TWO RUSSIAN GIRL (I DON'T THINK SHE SPEAKS ENGLISH SO UM) LAUREN H. (SHE'S FROM MICHIGAN) BECCA (VIRGIN EXTRAORDINAIREE) MANDI (CRAZY HIPSTER DENTIST) AND THE FINAL ROSE IS??? Spoiler: show |
01-10-2016, 08:36 PM | #12 |
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WELL THIS IS SHAPING UP TO BE A HELL OF A SEASON RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE
HE KICKED OFF THE ONE SANE WOMAN IN DAY ONE AND KEPT THE TWO ESTABLISHED CRAZIES BUT HE KICKED OFF THE GLUTEN-FREE GIRL SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD WELL THANK YOU FRIENDS AND PEOPLE FOR JOINING ME ON THIS WONDERFUL SEASON PREMIER OF THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISON (tm) WE'LL BE BACK SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE TO MAKE FUN OF MORE DESPERATE PEOPLE WHO SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO A RIDICULOUS GAME SHOW FORMAT TO HAVE A FAKEASS TV RELATIONSHIP GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK (ALSO LOL LACE GIVES A GIRL A BLACK EYE BUT JUBILEE STAYS FOR A WHILE SO WHOO) |
01-10-2016, 09:14 PM | #13 |
Primordial Fishbeast
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Jeri I love you never change.
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01-10-2016, 10:47 PM | #14 |
我が名は勇者王!
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Are you sure that's Jeri, and not Blastoise?
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あなたの勇気が切り開く未来
ふたりの想いが見つけだす希望 今 信じあえる あきらめない 心かさね 永遠を抱きしめて |
01-10-2016, 10:48 PM | #15 |
Barghest Barghest Barghe-
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No that's Jeri. He's less obnoxious and is actually humorous.
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01-10-2016, 11:45 PM | #16 |
I make cryin' babies weep
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I appreciate Blastoise's humor tbh.
Jeri ily this is amazing and it almost makes me want to watch this show with my mom every week. But I like myself so I'm not going to.
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01-11-2016, 12:27 AM | #17 |
Snackin'
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This was absolutely beautiful Jeri you are the greatest
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01-11-2016, 07:16 PM | #18 |
CAN'T BELIEVE KH3 IS HERE
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Jeri, I'm linking all my friends to this, I have no regrets
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01-11-2016, 08:39 PM | #19 |
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BROADCAST SCHEDULE UPDATE
SO AS THE FEW OF YOU WHO LIVE IN THE US AND PAY ATTENTION TO THINGS LIKE TELEVISION SCHEDULES (I KNOW I DON'T) MIGHT KNOW, THE BACHELOR AIRS PRETTY MUCH EVERY MONDAY FOR LIKE THREE MONTHS IN THE WINTER I, HOWEVER, HAVE AN ACTUAL LIFE AND REAL OBLIGATIONS SO I WILL BE WATCHING IT PROBABLY ROUGHLY A WEEK BEHIND SCHEDULE ON A STREAMING SERVICE, NAMELY THE ONLY GOOD ONE, HULU IT ALSO HELPS THAT THIS SHOW IS AIRED ON ABC, WHOSE PRODUCTION VALUES ARE ROUGHLY EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF A DAYTIME TELENOVELA FILMED IN YOUR ABUELITA'S BACKYARD, SO THE SHOWS FOR WHICH THEY DO NOT HAVE TO ACTUALLY PAY WRITERS ARE JAM PACKED WITH COMMERCIALS AIMED AT THEIR CAPTIVE AUDIENCES NEEDLESS TO SAY, YA'LL BITCHES GONNA WAIT IN THE MEANTIME, ENJOY MY SHORT ESSAY, ENTITLED WHY CHRIS HARRISON IS THE MOST USELESS REALITY SHOW HOST EVER Spoiler: show Last edited by Jerichi; 01-11-2016 at 08:44 PM. |
01-11-2016, 08:54 PM | #20 |
hail
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01-11-2016, 08:57 PM | #21 |
Barghest Barghest Barghe-
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BACHELOR...WITH A KILLER ROBOT
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01-12-2016, 07:38 PM | #22 |
Silver LO
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gives new meaning to being eliminated
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01-16-2016, 09:42 AM | #23 |
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GOOOOOOD MORNING BACHELOR NATION
IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN FOR MORE YELLING AT THE INTERNET ABOUT REALITY TELEVISON THIS WEEK WE GET INTO THE REAL MEAT AND POTATOES OF THE SHOW: THE ENDLESS CAVALCADE OF TOTALLY STAGED AND FAUX ROMANTIC "DATES" BEFORE WE GET STARTED LET'S DISCUSS HOW THIS WORKS EACH WEEK, THERE WILL BE A TOTAL OF 3-5 DATES DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH SHOW THEY'RE PLANNING TO CRAM. THERE ARE TYPICALLY TWO ONE-ON-ONE DATES (I.E. A NORMAL DATE WHERE THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE, LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO) TO EACH GROUP DATE (I.E. THE SFW EQUIVALENT OF A WEIRD ORGY PORNO, BUT WITH CANOEING OR OBSTACLE COURSES INSTEAD OF BOINKING). GETTING A ONE ON ONE DATE IS BASICALLY EQUIVALENT TO AN IMMUNITY TOKEN, PROVIDED YOU DON'T TOTALLY FUCK UP AND HE THROWS THE ROSE OFF THE BALCONY, BUT GROUP DATES ARE A COMPETITION, MEANING WE GET TO WATCH ALL THE LADIES SCRAMBLE TO FLIRT WITH HIM LONG ENOUGH TO GUARANTEE ANOTHER WEEK ON THE SHOW NEEDLESS TO SAY BOTH FORMATS ARE ENTIRELY MANUFACTURED AND PRETTY RIDICULOUS AND IT CAUSES THE SHOW PRETTY MUCH TO DESCEND INTO A SET SCRIPT PRETTY MUCH IMMEDIATELY THE COOKIE CUTTER FORMAT IS AS FOLLOWS:
THIS IS PRETTY MUCH EVERY EPISODE UNTIL THE NUMBERS DWINDLE AND THEN THEY GO ON GLAMOROUS VACATIONS TO PRAGUE OR FIJI OR IOWA OR SOMEWHERE SO LETS GET STARTED |
01-16-2016, 09:52 AM | #24 |
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BEFORE WE ACTUALLY GET STARTED ITS WORTH NOTING THAT THIS IS A LONG-ASS EPISODE (I DON'T REMEMBER ALL OF THEM BEING TWO HOURS) SO THE FORMAT WILL PROBABLY BE A BIT REMIX'D
PREVIEWS SOOOOO MANY SHOTS OF HIM KISSING LIKE 15 WOMEN ALSO ICE CUBE AND KEVIN HART??? AND TV REPORTER GIRL IS TAKIN HIM OVER AND FUCKIN LACE IS ALREADY AT IT AND THIS ALL HAPPENS WHOO! GRATUITOUS SHOTS OF BEN GETTING DRESSED (HE IS ODDLY NOT SUPER RIPPED) THE FIRST DATE CARD ARRIVES AND ITS *DRUMROLL* Spoiler: show THEY ARE ALREADY FOCUSING ON LACE, WHO IS TRYING HER BEST TO CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT SHE IS NOT ACTUALLY CRAZY AND IMMEDIATELY PROCEEDS TO ACT CRAZY |
01-16-2016, 10:09 AM | #25 |
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THE FIRST GODDAMNED GROUP DATE
BOY OH BOY, THE FIRST OF SADLY MANY GROUP "DATE"S LET ME TELL YOU FRIENDS THIS IS PROBABLY THE WORST PART OF THE WHOLE SHOW (OTHER THAN CHRIS HARRISON OBVIOUSLY) I HOPE YOU LEARN TO HATE THEM AS MUCH AS I DO THEY PULL UP TO A FUCKIN HIGH SCHOOL OH GOD NO THEY'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL AND BEN PRETTY MUCH CONFIRMS THAT HE PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL OH MY GOD CHRIS HARRISON IS WEARING A TEACHER COSTUME THIS SHIT DESERVES A SCREENSHOT Spoiler: show SO THIS IS (NOT SURPRISINGLY) A WEIRD LITTLE GAME THEY HAVE COOKED UP WHERE THE GIRLS PAIR OFF AND GO RUN AROUND THE SCHOOL DOING STRANGE SCHOOL-RELATED ACTIVITIES THE LAST PLACE TEAM GETS "ELIMINATED" (WHATEVER THAT MEANS) AND THE WINNER BECOMES BEN'S "HOMECOMING QUEEN" (DITTO) LACE AND JUBILEE ALREADY PAIRED UP SO THIS WILL PROBABLY BE GOOD FIRST EVENT: SCIENCE CLASS THEY HAVE TO "MAKE BEN'S VOLCANO EXPLODE" AND LACE AND JUBILEE ALREADY FAIL BOO NEXT EVENT: LUNCH "CLASS" THEY HAVE TO BOB FOR APPLES AND THEN RELAY IT TO THEIR LUNCH TRAY THIS LOOKS FETISHISTIC AND THEY KEEP MAKING WEIRD ORAL SEX JOKES NEXT EVENT: GEOGRAPHY LITERALLY ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS FIND THE STATE OF INDIANA AND PUT IT ON A MAP GUESS HOW WELL THAT GOES HINT: POORLY Spoiler: show ONE OF THE TEAMS LITERALLY PUTS INDIANA IN THE WRONG DIRECTION (LOL ITS BECCA'S TEAM) LAST EVENT: GYM CLASS FREE THROWS CRAZY DENTIST GIRL AND THAT OTHER ONE FROM LAST SEASON WIN AND WHAT A TWEEST THERE'S ONE MORE EVENT LAST LAST EVENT: TRACK CLASS??? ITS HURDLES FOR HIS HEART CRAZY DENTIST LEAVES WHATEVER HER NAME IS IN THE DUST GRATUITOUS SOBBING AND A WEIRD LITTLE RIDE IN A MUSTANG WITH THAT WEIRD LADY DRESSED AS A HOMECOMING QUEEN AND THE CRAZY LACE IS COMIN OUT AGAIN |
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