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Old 01-10-2016, 05:52 PM   #1
Jerichi
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Machamp The Bachelor

This show is awful!

LET'S WATCH IT TOGETHER ALL-CAPS LIVEBLOG STYLE

(NO GODDAMN SPOILERS I SWEAR TO DOG)
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Old 01-10-2016, 06:02 PM   #2
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FIRST THING'S FIRST LET'S MEET OUR HERO

Spoiler: show


HIS NAME IS BEN AND LIKE ALL THE GENERIC HUNKY MEN ON THIS SHOW HE WAS DRAGGED OUT OF THE LOSERS CIRCLE FROM THE LAST SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE WHEN CRAZY-MC CRAZYPANTS MISS CANADA USA KAITLYN DROPPED HIS SORRY ASS (I DIDN'T WATCH THAT SEASON BUT I HEARD IT WAS PRETTY MISERABLE AND SHE SUCKED ON THE LAST SEASON ANYWAY)

HE'S A #HOTTIEWITHABODY (as always) AND AN #ALLAMERICANBOY (as always) WITH ABOUT AS MUCH PERSONALITY AS A STALE CHESTNUT AND DOES SOMETHING WITH SOFTWARE THAT IS REALLY BORING AND IS PRETTY MUCH AS HEARTTHROBBY AND GENERIC AS POSSIBLE SO DESPERATE SAPS LIKE ME WILL SWOON OVER HIM WHENEVER HE CRACKS AN AWKWARD SMILE

UNLIKE (OR MAYBE JUST LIKE) MOST OTHER BACHELORS, THOUGH, ALL HIS PROMO PHOTOS LOOK LIKE HE'S HOLDING IN A REALLY BIG SHIT OR MAYBE JUST HIS REPRESSED EMOTIONS

BUT IM GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS IN THE PREVIEWS
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Old 01-10-2016, 06:33 PM   #3
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PREVIEWS
CARNIVAL DATES, BASEBALL DATES, SWAMP DATES, OH MY!

CLAWS COMING OUT! ALLEGATIONS OF MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS! NO FEWER THAN SEVEN WOMEN CRYING!

AND OH BOY ANOTHER PANIC ATTACK DIS GUN BE GUD

THE BACHELOR INTERVIEW
LET'S PLAY BACHELOR BINGO

CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S HERE? CHECK

GOOD OLD SMALL TOWN BOY? CHECK

MASCULINE SHOW OF ATHLETICISM IN AN UNREALISTICALLY BEAUTIFUL BACKDROP OF RURAL AMERICA? CHECK, CHECK, CHECK

AWKWARD NOSTALIGA TRIP WHERE HE'S SUDDENLY THE STAR OF THE TOWN? CHECKAROONY

OBLIQUE STATEMENT ABOUT HOW ONLY A WIFE CAN MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER? BINGO!!!!

IN SUMMARY: GENERIC SMALLTOWN HUNK WITH NO REAL PERSONALITY

YUP SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT

NEXT: AN ETERNAL FOUNT OF NEUROSES (I.E. THE POOR, EXPLOITED LADIES)
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Old 01-10-2016, 07:08 PM   #4
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THE WOMEN INTERVIEWED
NOWS THE TIME IN OUR SHOW WHEN WE PICK A RANDOM SELECTION OF WOMEN AND WATCH THEM FAKE THE THINGS THEY DO IN THEIR DAILY LIVES TO GIVE US A CARICATURED IMPRESSION OF WHAT THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE LIKE

LETS GUESS HOW MANY OF THEM LAST THROUGH THE END OF THIS EPISODE

(but first is the boring advice dispensation from old bachelors. haha just kidding. SKIP)

UGH SHUT UP CHRIS HARRISON OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS YOU ARE SO USELESS

VICTIM WOMAN NUMBER ONE
NAME: LAUREN B.
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: FLIGHT ATTENDANT
HOMETOWN: MARINA DEL REY, CA

GENERIC BLONDE BEACH BABE

SHE'S SO SINGLE, IT'S SO SAD

#mrshiggens #VOMIT

TOO BLONDE TOO CUTESY SHE'S SAFE

WOMAN NUMBER TWO
NAME: CALIA
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: SOFTWARE SALES REP (THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER)
HOMETOWN: HUDSON, OH

BRUNETTE, PRETTY, BORING, MIDWESTERN, NO DISCERNIBLE INTEREST OR PERSONALITY TRAITS, FAILS THE BECHDEL TEST IMMEDIATELY

TOP 4 EASY

WOMAN NUMBER THREE
NAME: JUBILEE
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: WAR VETERAN
HOMETOWN: FORT LAUDERDALE, FL

BAD BITCH ARMY CHICK WHO WILL KICK YOUR ASS AND LOOK FABULOUS DOING IT

WOW THEY ACTUALLY FOUND SOMEONE INTERESTING AND COMPELLING

BUT SHE'S BLACK

SORRY GIRL SEE YOU NEXT SEASON

WOMAN NUMBER FOUR
NAME: MANDI
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: HIPSTER FLAMING BAGPIPE PLAYER DENTIST?
HOMETOWN: PORTLAND, OR

QUIRKY GIRL, BUT LIKE, SADISTIC AND EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE

BUT SHE'S TOTALLY QUIRKY YOU GUYS

I VOTE HER AS DRAMA LLAMA

(EWWWW SHE MADE A GROSS JOKE ABOUT AN ORAL EXAM)

WOMAEN NUMBER FIVE TO FIVE POINT FIVE
NAME(S): EMILY/HAILEY
AGE(S): 22
OCCUPATION: TWINS (NO IT ACTUALLY SAYS TWINS)
HOMETOWN: LAS VEGAS, NV

IT'S LIKE THE SHINING BUT BLONDER AND EVEN MORE CREEPY

THAT WAS NAUSEATING

WOMAN NUMBER SIX
NAME: AMANDA
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: AESTHETICIAN
HOMETOWN: RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA

HERE'S THE MOM

AND SHE HAS TWO DAUGHTERS

THAT'S ALL

NEXT

WOMAN NUMBER SEVEN
NAME: TIARA
AGE: 27
OCCUPATION: CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST (YES I AM NOT SHITTING YOU HERE EITHER)
HOMETOWN: REDMOND, WA

I REALLY DONT HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HER DO I

WOMAN NUMBER EIGHT
NAME: SAM
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: ATTORNEY
HOMETOWN: NEW SMYRNA BEACH, FL

HEY LOOK A NORMAL PERSON

...NO WAIT SHE HAS A SAD PARENTAL DEATH STORY

WELL OKAY SHE SEEMS DECENTLY GROUNDED

WELL THAT WAS AN... INTERESTING PREVIEW

NEXT UP, FIRST IMPRESSIONS

OOOOOH BOY
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Old 01-10-2016, 07:43 PM   #5
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FIRST IMPRESSIONS
OK SO THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE GODDAMNED SHOW BECAUSE FOR ONE GLORIOUS HOUR OF UNBRIDLED REALITY TV TRASH, WE GET TO SEE 24 GROWN WOMEN MAKE ABSOLUTE ASSES OUT OF THEMSELVES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION

ITS PRETTY MUCH THE GREATEST

AND TO MAKE IT EVEN BETTER, THEY KICK HALF OF THEM OFF AFTER THE FIRST NIGHT

AND TO MAKE IT EVEN EVEN BETTER, THEY'RE ALL ALSO COMPETING FOR AN IMMUNITY ROSE

SO THESE GIRLS THINK UP SOME PRETTY CRAZY SHIT TO STAY ON THIS SHOW ANOTHER WEEK

LET'S GET IT ON LIKE DIXIE KONG

BUTTTTT

BEFORE WE EVEN GET STARTED!!!!

RETURNING GIRLS FROM LAST SEASON (ughhhhhh)

BUT WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT LATER LET'S GET TO THE LADIES

(shut up chris harrison no one cares about you)

FIRST UP
NAME: LAUREN B.
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: FLIGHT ATTENDANT
HOMETOWN: MARINA DEL REY, CA

SEE ABOVE

SHE'S A FLIGHT ATTENDANT SO SHE BROUGHT WINGS AND MADE A JOKE ABOUT TAKING OFF

NUMBAH TWO
NAME: CALIA
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: SOFTWARE SALES REP (THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER)
HOMETOWN: HUDSON, OH

SHE JUMPS INTO HIS ARMS IMMEDIATELY

LOCK FOR THE ROSE

THIS ONE TAKES IT ALL, CALLING IT NOW

THIRD
NAME: JENNIFER
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: SMALL BUSINESS OWNER
HOMETOWN: FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (AGAIN?)

BORING, UNASSUMING, MILDLY CHARMING MEH

FOURTH
NAME: JAMI
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: BARTENDER
HOMETOWN: ST. ALBERT, ALBERTA

OKAY WOW THIS GIRL IS ACTUALLY KINDA CUTE AND NORMAL

BUT SHE'S ALSO VAGUELY ETHNIC AND CANADIAN SO THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN

AND SHE ALSO KNOWS KATELYN (WEIRD)

BUT SHE ALMOST MADE A DICK JOKE SO POINTS!

SHAME SHE'S GONE TONIGHT

FIVER
NAME: SAM(ANTHA)
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: ATTORNEY
HOMETOWN: NEW SMYRNA BEACH, FL

HER VOICE IS SO BREATHY OMG

AND SHE JUST MADE A REALLY BAD LAW JOKE GOD UGH

SIX(Y)
NAME: JUBILEE
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: WAR VETERAN
HOMETOWN: FORT LAUDERDALE, FL

OH HEY HE SEEMS KINDA INTO HER

AWW THIS IS SO CUTE SHE USED A REALLY CUTE PICKUP LINE ON HIM

MAN I REALLY HOPE SHE LASTS

NO CHANCE THOUGH

SEVEN
NAME: AMANDA
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: AESTHETICIAN
HOMETOWN: RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CA

NEW DRINKING GAME: TAKE A SHOT EVERY TIME SHE MENTIONS HER KIDS

IT IS ADVISABLE TO HAVE 911 AND POISON CONTROL ON SPEEDDIAL

EIGHT
NAME: LACE (LIKE THE FABRIC?)
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: REAL ESTATE AGENT
HOMETOWN: DENVER, CO

SHE'S WEARING LACE I GET IT

WEIRD SHE KISSED HIM THAT WAS REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD UGH

NINER
NAME: LAUREN R.
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: MATH TEACHER
HOMETOWN: HOUSTON, TX

SHE SEEMS DRUNK AND SHE ALSO ADMITTED TO STALKING HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA

I MEAN LIKE WE ALL DO THAT BUT SRSLY SAVE IT FOR THE FIFTH DATE

AND SHE HAS SOMETHING "SPECIAL" TO SHOW HIM

AND DIDN'T TELL HIM HER NAME

SHE DRUNK AS HELL

TEN

NAME: SHUSHANNA
AGE: 27
OCCUPATION: MATHEMATICIAN (SEXY)
HOMETOWN: SALT LAKE CITY, UT (BUT SHE'S A MORMON)

AND SHE IS SPEAKING RUSSIAN???

I UH

YEAH NOT SURE WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT

NEXT LIMO

NAME: LEAH
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: EVENT PLANNER
HOMETOWN: DENVER, CO

SHE BROUGHT A FOOTBALL UGH

AND SHE'S HIKING IT THROUGH HER DISASTER OF A SEQUIN DRESS

THE WORST

TWELVE

NAME: JOELLE "JOJO"
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER
HOMETOWN: DALLAS, TX

SHE IS WEARING A UNICORN MASK

I TAKE IT BACK SHE IS THE WORST

(HAHAH HE CALLS IT NORMAL)

UNLUCKY NUMBER THIRTEEN

NAME: LAUREN H
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: KINDERGARTEN TEACHER
HOMETOWN: ANN ARBOR, MI

SUUUUUUPER MIDWESTERN

AND SHE CAUGHT THE BOUQUET AT A WEDDING SHE WAS AT LAST WEEK AND SHE BROUGHT HIM THE ROTTING FLOWERS HOW CUTE

FOURTEEN

NAME: LAURA
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE
HOMETOWN: LOUISVILLE, KY

I THINK THIS IS AMY ADAM'S AND EMMA STONE'S LONG LOST SISTER

HER FRIENDS CALL HER RED VELVET WHICH IS INTERESTING

BUT SHE SEEMS OKAY

FIFTEEN

NAME: MANDI
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: HUMAN ROSE STILL A DENTIST?
HOMETOWN: PORTLAND, OR

SHE CAME OUT WEARING A GIGANTIC PAPER ROSE ON HER HEAD

BOY IS SHE QUIRKY

(EWW SHE MADE A GROSS SEX JOKE ABOUT THE POLLINATING THE ROSE)

SIXTEEN + SIXTEEN POINT FIVE
NAME: TWIN ONE AND TWIN TWO
AGE: THE SAME
OCCUPATION: CREEPING PEOPLE OUT
HOMETOWN: TWINVILLE, TW

UGH THIS IS PAINFUL THEY TALK IN SYNC AND IT'S REALLY WEIRD

OKAY COMMERCIAL BREAK WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
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Old 01-10-2016, 07:53 PM   #6
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AAAAND WE'RE BACK

A LITTLE INTERVIEW BREAK

CAMERA HAS BEEN FOCUSING ON RED VELVET AND CALIA. GUESS WHO MAKES IT TO THE TOP 8

POOR RED VELVET SHE SEEMS SWEET BUT SHE IS PRETTY CLEARLY INTIMIDATED BY EVERYONE ELSE DESPITE BEING ADORABLE

SEVENTEEN? EIGHTEEN?
NAME: MAEGAN
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: COWGIRL
HOMETOWN: WEATHERFORD, TX

THIS GIRL HAS A MINI-HORSE WTF

THE MAN'S WOMAN SNORE

AND SHE BRINGS THE HORSE INTO THE HOUSE

I'VE LOST COUNT
NAME: BREANNE
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: NUTRITIONAL THERAPIST
HOMETOWN: SEATTLE, WA

SHE BROUGHT A PICNIC!

...BUT SHE IS ONE OF THOSE WEIRD GLUTEN-FREE PEOPLE

AND THEY ARE BREAKING THE BREAD UGH

NEXT
NAME: ISABEL "IZZY"
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: GRAPHIC DESIGNER
HOMETOWN: BRANFORD, CT

SHE IS WEARING A ONESIE

"THAT'S REALLY FUCKIN' SPECIAL"

KEEP IT REAL, LACE

PRÓXIMO

NAME: RACHEL
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: UNEMPLOYED
HOMETOWN: LITTLE ROCK, AR

SHE IS COMING IN ON ONE OF THOSE WEIRD HOVERBOARDS WITH WHEELS

SHE MADE A REALLY AWFUL PICKUP LINE JOKE TOO UGH

(FYI LACE IS ESTABLISHING HER AS A BITCH SO THIS WILL BE FUN)

NEXT

NAME: JESSICA
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: ACCOUNTANT
HOMETOWN: BOCA RATON, FL

SHE SEEMS TOTALLY NORMAL

BORING, NEXT


NAME: CHICKEN GIRL
AGE: CHICKEN AGE
OCCUPATION: CHICKENS
HOMETOWN: CHICKEN CITY, CHICKENS

SHE DIDN'T MENTION HER CHICKENS I'M DISAPPOINTED

NAME: LAUREN "LB"
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: FASHION BUYER
HOMETOWN: STILLWATER, OK

ANOTHER NORMAL GIRL

NAME: JACKIE
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: GERONTOLOGIST (???)
HOMETOWN: SAN FRAN, CA

SHE STUDIES OLD PEOPLE SO

AND SHE BROUGHT HIM A SAVE THE DATE CARD WITH THEIR NAMES ON IT

WELL OKAY

NAME: OLIVIA
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: NEWS ANCHOR
HOMETOWN: AUSTIN, TX

SHE'S REALLLYYYYY NERVOUS

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT DIMPLES?

SHE SEEMS BORING THO OKAY BYEEEEEE

CHRIS HARRISON MAKES A BAD JOKE ABOUT HORSES AND UNICORNS AND BACHELORS GO AWAY CHRIS HARRISON

AND THAT'S OUR CREW (EXCEPT FOR THOSE TWO LADIES WHO COME BACK FROM OLDER SEASONS BECAUSE LOL RATINGS GIMMICKS)

BRB I GOTTA PEE
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Old 01-10-2016, 08:01 PM   #7
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NOW THIS IS THE PART OF OUR SHOW WHERE EVERYONE GAWKS OVER THE GUY AND TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY'VE BEEN STALKING HIM

THIS IS ALSO THE PART WHERE WE ESTABLISH THE STEREOTYPICAL CRAZIES SO PREPARE YOUR ANI

(ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THE POC COUNT IS A WHOPPING TWO)

AAAAAAND RIGHT OFF THE BAT CRAZY HIPSTER DENTIST CHICK STEALS HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SPEECH

AND SHE GIVES HIM A DENTAL EXAM

NEWS ANCHOR GIRL (THE LAST ONE) QUIT HER JOB FOR THIS I GUESS SHE'S GONNA STAY FOR NOW

CAILA (THE OTHER SOFTWARE PERSON) STARTS TALKING SHOP BUT SHE'S PRETTY CUTE I LIKE HER

UGH TWINS SKIPPPPPPPPP

AND A WEIRD GAME OF CATCH WITH THE GIRL WITH THE UGLY SEQUIN DRESS

AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER UNREMARKABLE WOMEN

AAAAAAND HERE COME THE LAST SEASON REJECTS

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THESE WOMEN

OH, OH NO

ONE OF THEM IS THE VIRGIN GIRL FROM LAST SEASON

GOD PLEASE KICK HER OFF I DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN
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Old 01-10-2016, 08:13 PM   #8
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OH SHIT IS RIGHT

LACE CONTINUES COMING ON STRONG AS THE BIG BITCH IN CHARGE ALSO GURL IS PRETTY GODDAMNED GONE

"EVERYBODY KNOW BECCA, EVERYOBODY KNOWS AMBER"

NO ONE KNOWS AMBER YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

AAAAAND HERE COMES BECCA, VIRGIN EXTRAORDINAIREE, TO STEAL THE SHOW (lol pretty sure he has no idea who she is)

AND DRUNK AS HELL LACE IS CREEPIN ON THEM MAN THIS IS GR8

AWW C'MON FUKKIN LACE YOU'RE TAKING TIME AWAY FROM JUBILEE THE POOR GIRL ALREADY DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE

IDK WHAT'S GOING ON SHE IS SO DRUNK AND HE IS SO NICE AND THIS IS KINDA AWFUL I SORTA HOPE SHE GOES HOME BUT MAN SHE WOULD BE A PRETTY GOOD DRAMA MILL

AND TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALL THAT MUCH BETTER, HERE COMES HIPSTER DENTIST TO PERFORM MORE INVASIVE ORAL PROCEDURES

OH MAN LACE CALLED HER A BITCH! HERE WE GO!!!! (and poor red velvet got stuck with her bitching boo)

OHHHHHH SHIT BEN CAME TO GET LACE HE'S INTO HER

THE CORONATION OF THE DRAMA QUEEN

AND HERE IS USELESS MAN WITH THE ROSE

THEY'RE SHAKIN IN THEIR HEELS
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Old 01-10-2016, 08:18 PM   #9
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LACE IS ALREADY CLAIMING BEN SO THAT'S HAPPENED (CHECK OFF YOUR BINGO CARDS FOLKS)

HE LIKES LAUREN B. I ALREADY DON'T REMEMBER WHO SHE IS, SO THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD SIGN

AND ANOTHER GIRL HAS A WEIRD CONVERSATION WITH HIM ABOUT MORALS AND COMPATIBILITY

WAIT LOL SHE ASKED HIM TO REMEMBER HER NAME AND HE DOESN'T REMEMBER LOLOLOLOLOL

OH MAN GET READY HE PICKED UP THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE AND LEFT IMMEDIATELY

AAAAAAND HE GRABBED THE NEWS ANCHOR

YUUUUUP UN GRAN SUPRISE

HOW TO SUCCEED ON THE BACHELOR IN THREE EASY STEPS:
STEP 1) QUIT YOUR JOB
STEP 2) ???
STEP 3) PROFIT!!!

AND CHRIS HARRISON COMES IN AND RUINS ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL MOMENT

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

ELIMINATION!!!!!
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Old 01-10-2016, 08:29 PM   #10
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WELL LACE IS PRETTY GODDAMNED CRAZY

BUT WE HAVE A SHITLOAD OF FLOWERS TO GIVE OUT

THE ROSE CEREMONY
SO BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S GO OVER HOW THIS WORKS

IT'S PRETTY FUKKIN SIMPLE

BOY HAS A VARIABLE AMOUNT OF ROSES THAT CHANGES EVERY TIME THE CAMERA PANS AWAY

HE GIVES OUT SAID CHANGING NUMBER OF ROSES TO A LIMITED NUMBER OF GIRLS

WHEN THE ROSES FINALLY DISAPPEAR DUE TO TV MAGIC, ALL THE ROSELESS GIRLS GO HOME

COMMENCE SOBBING AND WHATEVER

THERE IS ALSO APPARENTLY SOME SIGNIFICANCE IN CALLOUT ORDER BUT I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE'S EVER DONE ANY SORT OF STATISTICAL ANALYSIS ON THAT OR IT'S JUST A RUMOR

SO LET'S GO:

THE ROSED:
FORMER ANCHOR WOMAN
LAUREN B. (BORING GIRL HE TALKED TO)
LB (NO IDEA)
CAILA (YAY SHE'S CUTE)
AMBER (THE LAST SEASON RECRUIT NO ONE REMEMBERS I.E. RATINGS GIMMICK)
JAMI (CUTE VAGUELY ETHNIC BARTENDER)
JENNIFER (THE GIRL HE FORGOT)
JUBILEE (YAYYYYY THERE IS HOPE FOR THIS WORLD)
AMANDA (NO IDEA)
JOJO (SHE'S FROM TEXAS)
LEA (NO IDEA)
RACHEL (NO IDEA)
SAM(ANTHA) (ATTORNEY)
JACKIE (NO IDEA)
TWIN NUMBER ONE
TWIN NUMBER TWO
RUSSIAN GIRL (I DON'T THINK SHE SPEAKS ENGLISH SO UM)
LAUREN H. (SHE'S FROM MICHIGAN)
BECCA (VIRGIN EXTRAORDINAIREE)
MANDI (CRAZY HIPSTER DENTIST)

AND THE FINAL ROSE IS???

Spoiler: show
COMMERICAL BREAK
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Old 01-10-2016, 08:30 PM   #11
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AND WE'RE BACK

AND THE FINAL ROSE, FOR REAL THIS TIME...

Spoiler: show
WILL IT BE A SANE GIRL LIKE RED VELVET? OR WILL IT BE A CRAZY BITCH LIKE LACE? LET'S FIND OUT

Spoiler: show
LACE HAHAH OMG PRODUCER PICK AND SHE IMMEDIATELY FREAKS OUT ABOUT HIM NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT THIS SHIT IS JUICYYYYY
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Old 01-10-2016, 08:36 PM   #12
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WELL THIS IS SHAPING UP TO BE A HELL OF A SEASON RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE

HE KICKED OFF THE ONE SANE WOMAN IN DAY ONE AND KEPT THE TWO ESTABLISHED CRAZIES

BUT HE KICKED OFF THE GLUTEN-FREE GIRL SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD

WELL THANK YOU FRIENDS AND PEOPLE FOR JOINING ME ON THIS WONDERFUL SEASON PREMIER OF THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISON (tm)

WE'LL BE BACK SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE TO MAKE FUN OF MORE DESPERATE PEOPLE WHO SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO A RIDICULOUS GAME SHOW FORMAT TO HAVE A FAKEASS TV RELATIONSHIP

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK

(ALSO LOL LACE GIVES A GIRL A BLACK EYE BUT JUBILEE STAYS FOR A WHILE SO WHOO)
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Old 01-10-2016, 09:14 PM   #13
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Jeri I love you never change.
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Old 01-10-2016, 10:47 PM   #14
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Are you sure that's Jeri, and not Blastoise?
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Old 01-10-2016, 10:48 PM   #15
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No that's Jeri. He's less obnoxious and is actually humorous.
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Old 01-10-2016, 11:45 PM   #16
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I appreciate Blastoise's humor tbh.

Jeri ily this is amazing and it almost makes me want to watch this show with my mom every week.

But I like myself so I'm not going to.
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Old 01-11-2016, 12:27 AM   #17
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This was absolutely beautiful Jeri you are the greatest
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Old 01-11-2016, 07:16 PM   #18
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Jeri, I'm linking all my friends to this, I have no regrets
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Old 01-11-2016, 08:39 PM   #19
Jerichi
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BROADCAST SCHEDULE UPDATE
SO AS THE FEW OF YOU WHO LIVE IN THE US AND PAY ATTENTION TO THINGS LIKE TELEVISION SCHEDULES (I KNOW I DON'T) MIGHT KNOW, THE BACHELOR AIRS PRETTY MUCH EVERY MONDAY FOR LIKE THREE MONTHS IN THE WINTER

I, HOWEVER, HAVE AN ACTUAL LIFE AND REAL OBLIGATIONS SO I WILL BE WATCHING IT PROBABLY ROUGHLY A WEEK BEHIND SCHEDULE ON A STREAMING SERVICE, NAMELY THE ONLY GOOD ONE, HULU

IT ALSO HELPS THAT THIS SHOW IS AIRED ON ABC, WHOSE PRODUCTION VALUES ARE ROUGHLY EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF A DAYTIME TELENOVELA FILMED IN YOUR ABUELITA'S BACKYARD, SO THE SHOWS FOR WHICH THEY DO NOT HAVE TO ACTUALLY PAY WRITERS ARE JAM PACKED WITH COMMERCIALS AIMED AT THEIR CAPTIVE AUDIENCES

NEEDLESS TO SAY, YA'LL BITCHES GONNA WAIT

IN THE MEANTIME, ENJOY MY SHORT ESSAY, ENTITLED WHY CHRIS HARRISON IS THE MOST USELESS REALITY SHOW HOST EVER

WHY CHRIS HARRISON IS THE MOST USELSS REALITY SHOW HOST EVER
BY JERI CHEE

Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show


THIS IS CHRIS HARRISON. HE IS THE HOST OF THE SHOW. HE IS CHARMING AND HANDSOME AND APPARENTLY WROTE HIS OWN BOOK??? HE IS ALSO THE WORST PART OF THE SHOW.


HERE HE IS WITH A HORSE. THE HORSE IS ALREADY BORED.

HE IS PRETTY MUCH 100% INEFFECTUAL AND PRETTY MUCH HIS ONLY ROLE IN THE SHOW IS TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE. YOU COULD EASILY SAVE A LOT OF MONEY AND IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THE SHOW TENFOLD BY REPLACING HIM WITH A SHOW-HOSTING ROBOT


HERE HE IS STARING AWKWARDLY AT BEN'S CROTCH. STRANGELY THIS IS NOT THE MOST AWKWARD THING HE'S DOING RIGHT NOW.

THE WORST PART OF ALL OF IS THE ROSE CEREMONY, WHERE THE PRODUCERS FORCE HIM TO HOBBLE OUT OF HIS CORNER TO INFORM US THAT THERE IS ONE! ROSE! LEFT!

IT INCREASES THE SUSPENSE EXACTLY EQUAL TO THE SUSPENSE TIMES THE NUMBER OF REMAINING ROSES


HERE HE IS DURING THE OFF SEASON, ROCKIN THAT DIRTY SCRUFF

AND THE WORST PART OF ALL IS THAT HE IS 100% AWARE OF HOW MUCH OF A VESTIGIAL PART OF THE SHOW HE IS. HE HAS STATED MULTIPLE TIMES THAT HE BASICALLY HAS NO REASON TO BE THERE

IN SUMMARY, CHRIS SUCKS AND I WILL BE SKIPPING LITERALLY EVERY INTERVIEW HE DOES THIS SEASON

JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR MORE CRAZY ANTICS!!!!

Last edited by Jerichi; 01-11-2016 at 08:44 PM.
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Old 01-11-2016, 08:54 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerichi View Post
YOU COULD EASILY SAVE A LOT OF MONEY AND IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THE SHOW TENFOLD BY REPLACING HIM WITH A SHOW-HOSTING ROBOT
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Old 01-11-2016, 08:57 PM   #21
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BACHELOR...WITH A KILLER ROBOT
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Old 01-12-2016, 07:38 PM   #22
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gives new meaning to being eliminated
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As may be expected though, our clear winner here was Kairne, ASB's champion of prioritizing the pokemon you like over those that are objectively better. I mean, one of his mains is a Watchog.
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Originally Posted by Sneezey12 View Post
KAIRNE I WILL RIP OFF YOUR SCROTUM AND FEED IT TO YOU THROUGH A FUCKING SWIRLY STRAW.
Leader of the "Stop Screwing Over Smeargle" Brigade

ASB
Spoiler: show
Art by Kairne
ASB
[URL="http://forums.upnetwork.net/showthread.php?t=4387"]
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Battlecuts courtesy of DaisyInari

Random stuffs:
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Old 01-16-2016, 09:42 AM   #23
Jerichi
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GOOOOOOD MORNING BACHELOR NATION

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN FOR MORE YELLING AT THE INTERNET ABOUT REALITY TELEVISON

THIS WEEK WE GET INTO THE REAL MEAT AND POTATOES OF THE SHOW: THE ENDLESS CAVALCADE OF TOTALLY STAGED AND FAUX ROMANTIC "DATES"

BEFORE WE GET STARTED LET'S DISCUSS HOW THIS WORKS

EACH WEEK, THERE WILL BE A TOTAL OF 3-5 DATES DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH SHOW THEY'RE PLANNING TO CRAM. THERE ARE TYPICALLY TWO ONE-ON-ONE DATES (I.E. A NORMAL DATE WHERE THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE, LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO) TO EACH GROUP DATE (I.E. THE SFW EQUIVALENT OF A WEIRD ORGY PORNO, BUT WITH CANOEING OR OBSTACLE COURSES INSTEAD OF BOINKING). GETTING A ONE ON ONE DATE IS BASICALLY EQUIVALENT TO AN IMMUNITY TOKEN, PROVIDED YOU DON'T TOTALLY FUCK UP AND HE THROWS THE ROSE OFF THE BALCONY, BUT GROUP DATES ARE A COMPETITION, MEANING WE GET TO WATCH ALL THE LADIES SCRAMBLE TO FLIRT WITH HIM LONG ENOUGH TO GUARANTEE ANOTHER WEEK ON THE SHOW

NEEDLESS TO SAY BOTH FORMATS ARE ENTIRELY MANUFACTURED AND PRETTY RIDICULOUS AND IT CAUSES THE SHOW PRETTY MUCH TO DESCEND INTO A SET SCRIPT PRETTY MUCH IMMEDIATELY

THE COOKIE CUTTER FORMAT IS AS FOLLOWS:
  • ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF THE HOUSE WITH WOMEN TALKING ABOUT PREVIOUS DRAMA AND/OR HOW MANY BUTTERFLIES THEY CAN COUNT IN THEIR STOMACHS
  • THE FIRST DATE CARD ARRIVES AND EVERYONE IS BITTER/EXCITED/BOTH
  • ONE-ON-ONE NUMBER ONE BEGINS, ACCOMPANIED BY GRATUITOUS SHOTS OF THE WOMEN DRINKING THEMSELVES TO SLEEP AND BEMOANING THEIR BAD "LUCK"
  • THE BACHELOR AND HIS "PICK" GO DO SOMETHING KIND OF STUPID THAT IS SOMEHOW ENDEARING, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • THEY GO TO A "SECRET PLACE" AND DO SOMETHING LIKE DANCE, OFTEN TO THEIR "FAVORITE" BAND THAT NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF WHO ONLY TOOK THIS GIG IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT AT NOTORIETY, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • AN AWKWARD DINNER BETWEEN THE BACHELOR AND THE WOMAN SOMEWHERE WEIRD BUT THEMATIC, WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT HER SOB STORY AND HE TRIES REALLY HARD NOT TO LOOK BORED, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • HE DUMPS HER OR GIVES HER THE IMMUNITY ROSE, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • NEXT DAY, GROUP DATE CARD ARRIVES, ALL THE WOMEN WHO THE PRODUCERS HAVE NOT DEEMED INTERESTING ENOUGH TO GO ALONE GET TO GO HIKING OR FISHING OR BOWLING OR SOMETHING ELSE BORING YOU CAN FEASIBLY DO IN A GROUP
  • THEY ALL GO ON THEIR LITTLE EXCURSION AND AT LEAST ONE PERSON GETS HURT, CRIES, COMPLAINS, AND/OR HAS TO LEAVE EARLY
  • THE REST GO ON A "ROMANTIC" FIVE TO TEN PERSON DINNER DATE IN A BARN OR SOMETHING ELSE BIG THAT CAN HOLD THAT MANY PEOPLE. AWKWARD CONVERSATION AND BACHELOR STEALING ENSUES
  • THE BACHELOR GIVES THE WORST WOMAN A ROSE, EVERYONE ELSE IS BITTER
  • THE NEXT DAY, ONE ON ONE DATE CARD NUMBER TWO, REPEAT STEPS 3 THROUGH 7
  • THAT EVENING, COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!
  • SOME WOMEN DRINK COPIOUSLY, OTHERS JUDGE THOSE WHO DO, EVERYONE SCRAMBLES TO GET ONE LAST WORD IN BEFORE THEY GET KICKED OFF THE SHOW
  • ROSE CEREMONY

THIS IS PRETTY MUCH EVERY EPISODE UNTIL THE NUMBERS DWINDLE AND THEN THEY GO ON GLAMOROUS VACATIONS TO PRAGUE OR FIJI OR IOWA OR SOMEWHERE

SO LETS GET STARTED
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Old 01-16-2016, 09:52 AM   #24
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BEFORE WE ACTUALLY GET STARTED ITS WORTH NOTING THAT THIS IS A LONG-ASS EPISODE (I DON'T REMEMBER ALL OF THEM BEING TWO HOURS) SO THE FORMAT WILL PROBABLY BE A BIT REMIX'D

PREVIEWS

SOOOOO MANY SHOTS OF HIM KISSING LIKE 15 WOMEN

ALSO ICE CUBE AND KEVIN HART???

AND TV REPORTER GIRL IS TAKIN HIM OVER

AND FUCKIN LACE IS ALREADY AT IT

AND THIS ALL HAPPENS TONIGHT TODAY ON THE BACHELOR

WHOO!

GRATUITOUS SHOTS OF BEN GETTING DRESSED (HE IS ODDLY NOT SUPER RIPPED)

THE FIRST DATE CARD ARRIVES AND ITS *DRUMROLL*

Spoiler: show
A GROUP DATE (ugh)

JACKIE (who)
ELBIE (was she even on the first ep)
LAUREN H (no idea)
BECCA (VIRGIN EXTRAORDINAIRE)
AMBER (THAT OTHER GIRL FROM LAST SEASON)
MANDI (GROSS HIPSTER)
JOJO (idk)
JUBILEE (WHOO YOU GO)
JENNIFER (who are you)

and...

Spoiler: show
LACE!!!


THEY ARE ALREADY FOCUSING ON LACE, WHO IS TRYING HER BEST TO CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT SHE IS NOT ACTUALLY CRAZY

AND IMMEDIATELY PROCEEDS TO ACT CRAZY
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Old 01-16-2016, 10:09 AM   #25
Jerichi
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THE FIRST GODDAMNED GROUP DATE
BOY OH BOY, THE FIRST OF SADLY MANY GROUP "DATE"S

LET ME TELL YOU FRIENDS THIS IS PROBABLY THE WORST PART OF THE WHOLE SHOW (OTHER THAN CHRIS HARRISON OBVIOUSLY)

I HOPE YOU LEARN TO HATE THEM AS MUCH AS I DO

THEY PULL UP TO A FUCKIN HIGH SCHOOL

OH GOD NO THEY'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL

AND BEN PRETTY MUCH CONFIRMS THAT HE PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL

OH MY GOD CHRIS HARRISON IS WEARING A TEACHER COSTUME

THIS SHIT DESERVES A SCREENSHOT

Spoiler: show


IS IT BAD THAT I AM A LITTLE TURNED ON RIGHT NOW


SO THIS IS (NOT SURPRISINGLY) A WEIRD LITTLE GAME THEY HAVE COOKED UP WHERE THE GIRLS PAIR OFF AND GO RUN AROUND THE SCHOOL DOING STRANGE SCHOOL-RELATED ACTIVITIES

THE LAST PLACE TEAM GETS "ELIMINATED" (WHATEVER THAT MEANS) AND THE WINNER BECOMES BEN'S "HOMECOMING QUEEN" (DITTO)

LACE AND JUBILEE ALREADY PAIRED UP SO THIS WILL PROBABLY BE GOOD

FIRST EVENT: SCIENCE CLASS

THEY HAVE TO "MAKE BEN'S VOLCANO EXPLODE"

AND LACE AND JUBILEE ALREADY FAIL BOO

NEXT EVENT: LUNCH "CLASS"

THEY HAVE TO BOB FOR APPLES AND THEN RELAY IT TO THEIR LUNCH TRAY

THIS LOOKS FETISHISTIC AND THEY KEEP MAKING WEIRD ORAL SEX JOKES

NEXT EVENT: GEOGRAPHY

LITERALLY ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS FIND THE STATE OF INDIANA AND PUT IT ON A MAP

GUESS HOW WELL THAT GOES

HINT: POORLY

Spoiler: show


"IS THAT OREGON" ~ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THIS SHOW


ONE OF THE TEAMS LITERALLY PUTS INDIANA IN THE WRONG DIRECTION (LOL ITS BECCA'S TEAM)

LAST EVENT: GYM CLASS

FREE THROWS

CRAZY DENTIST GIRL AND THAT OTHER ONE FROM LAST SEASON WIN

AND WHAT A TWEEST THERE'S ONE MORE EVENT

LAST LAST EVENT: TRACK CLASS???

ITS HURDLES FOR HIS HEART

CRAZY DENTIST LEAVES WHATEVER HER NAME IS IN THE DUST

GRATUITOUS SOBBING AND A WEIRD LITTLE RIDE IN A MUSTANG WITH THAT WEIRD LADY DRESSED AS A HOMECOMING QUEEN

AND THE CRAZY LACE IS COMIN OUT AGAIN
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