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Old 06-02-2018, 07:59 PM   #1
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E3 2018: WATCHING HOPE DIE IN 4K

SUMMER HAS COME AND WITH IT THE PLEASANT WARMTH OF SPRING HAS GIVEN WAY TO A STULTIFYING HEAT

I EMERGE FROM ANOTHER WARFRAME-INDUCED FUGUE STATE, FEELING THE SAME SENSE OF DISSOCIATION THAT RIP VAN WINKLE MUST HAVE EXPERIENCED AS I READ A TWEET FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES BRAGGING ABOUT DISCUSSING NATIONAL POLICY WITH KIM KARDASHIAN

I REALIZE--NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME--THAT WE ARE FOOLS, THAT WE HAVE ELECTED FOOLS IN OUR IMAGE TO LEAD US, AND THAT WE WILL GO DOWN IGNOMINIOUSLY AS FOOLS TOO ABSORBED BY HUBRIS AND THE BUGBEARS OF OUR OWN IMAGINATION TO NOTICE HOW WE RUSHED HEADLONG INTO THE ARMS OF PERDITION

MAY HISTORY JUDGE US WITH MORE KINDNESS THAN WE TRULY DESERVE

BUT HEY SPEAKING OF FOOLS IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN



100 DEVELOPERS AIR DROP INTO AN LA CONVENTION CENTER TO--WAIT HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DONE THIS JOKE ALREADY FUCK NEVERMIND

THAT'S RIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS GAMING CEOS EVERYWHERE ARE BUSY PICKING OUT THAT PERFECT COMBO OF BLAZER-JEANS-GAMING-RELATED T-SHIRT TO DEMONSTRATE HOW THEY'RE ALL AMORAL SOCIOPATHIC CORPORATE PARASITES WHO SERVE NO DISCERNIBLE PURPOSE EXCEPT THEIR OWN SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT JUST LIKE US

COME BEAR WITNESS TO A TRADE SHOW THAT EXISTS IN A SCHRODINGER'S CAT-LIKE STATE OF SIMULTANEOUS RELEVANCE AND IRRELEVANCE AS DEVELOPERS SPEND MONTHS CUTTING VERTICAL SLICES FOR CREDULOUS DUMBSHITS EVEN AS EVER MORE COMPANIES MOVE THEIR SHIT OUTSIDE OF THE ACTUAL CONVENTION IN AN EFFORT TO HIJACK THE HYPE TRAIN FOR THEMSELVES WITH SOME SCIENTISTS SPECULATING THAT E3 WILL BE A JANUARY EVENT BY 2021 DESPITE STILL BEING SCHEDULED IN JUNE

THIS YEAR'S SCHEDULE WHICH I COPIED FROM GAMESPOT WHO ARE STILL SOMEHOW A SITE IN 2018 (WITH PRE-CONFERENCE SNARK ANNOTATED IN ALL CAPS):

Saturday, June 9

-Electronic Arts -- 11 AM PT / 2 PM ET / 7 PM BST (4 AM AET on June 10)

THE PERENNIAL TOP CONTENDER FOR HOSTING CONFERENCES ABOUT VIDEO GAMES THAT SOMEHOW MANAGE TO BE ROUGHLY AS EXCITING AS A TRIP TO THE PROCTOLOGIST EA COMES INTO THIS YEAR HUNGRY AND EAGER TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE NOT IN FACT THE BIGGEST GAGGLE OF DOG-RAPING FUCKUPS THIS SIDE OF TALON'S FAMILY TREE

INDEED EA MANAGED LAST YEAR WHAT MANY THOUGHT IMPOSSIBLE: NOT ONLY DID THEY RELEASE A STAR WARS GAME WITH AWFUL WORD OF MOUTH IN A YEAR WITH A MAJOR FILM RELEASE (AND ACCOMPANYING FAN THIRST FOR ANYTHING WITH LIGHTSABERS IN IT) BUT THEY MANAGED TO TIE IT TO A MONETIZATION STRATEGY SO GOD AWFUL THAT THE FUCKING POPO JUMPED THEM LIKE THEY WERE A BLACK GUY IN HIS OWN BACKYARD

BUT EA KNOWS HOW TO TURN THIS AROUND BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY WANT

GET READY FOR FIFA '19 WITH GRAPHICS SO REALISTIC THAT YOU CAN COUNT PELE'S INDIVIDUAL TAINT HAIRS

ALSO I GUESS BIOWARE WILL BE THERE WITH ANTHEM IN THE SAME WAY THAT THE KIDNAPPED VICTIMS OF TERRORIST GROUPS ARE PARADED AROUND ON VIDEO BEFORE THEY'RE LOCKED IN A CAGE AND SET ON FIRE

Sunday, June 10

-Microsoft -- 1 PM PT / 4 PM ET / 9 PM BST (6 AM AET on June 11)

MICROSOFT'S CONFERENCE IS TENTATIVELY SCHEDULED FOR 2 HOURS DESPITE HAVING NOTHING THAT ANYONE WOULD EVEN CARE TO LEAK TO SHOW SO EXPECT THE WORST SO MANY LAMBOS ON STAGE BECAUSE FORZA

LIKE SERIOUSLY MICROSOFT'S CONFERENCES ARE PROBABLY THE MOST ACTIVELY JOYLESS OUTSIDE OF EA'S WHICH IS A REAL FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT WHEN YOUR ONLY COMPETITION AS A MAJOR CONSOLE MANUFACTURER IS FUCKING SONY AND A COMPANY THAT ONLY ACCEPTED THE EXISTENCE OF THE INTERNET BECAUSE THEY REALIZED IT COULD SAVE THEM SHOW FLOOR EXPENSES

-Bethesda -- 6:30 PM PT / 9:30 PM ET (2:30 AM BST / 11:30 AM AET on June 11)

RAGE 2 WAS ANNOUNCED

YOU KNOW THAT GAME YOU SEE ON SALE ON STEAM FOR 2 BUCKS AND YOU'RE LIKE "I'M GOOD THANKS"

ALSO ANOTHER FALLOUT GOT ANNOUNCED WHICH IS RUMORED TO NOT ALLOW MODS OUTSIDE OF THE BULLSHIT CREATION CLUB SO IF YOU EVER WANTED TO WATCH SOMEONE GET TORN APART BY AN ANGRY MOB ON A LIVE STREAM THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE YOUR BEST CHANCE FOR A WHILE

-Devolver Digital -- 8 PM PT / 11 PM ET (4 AM BST / 1 PM AET on June 11)

I DIDN'T WATCH THIS LAST YEAR BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS BASICALLY THIS THREAD AS AN ACTUAL PRESENTATION

YO DEVOLVER I UNDERSTAND THAT IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY BUT I'M GONNA NEED YOU ALL TO FUCK OFF BECAUSE YOU COME TO THIS PLACE WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT PURE

THE FANBOYS USE THE STREAMS BUT THEY ARE MERE TRESPASSERS ONLY I, BLASTOISE, KNOW THE TRUE POWER OF THE E3 THREAD

I WAS NARCED BY A CRYBABY, BANNED BUT THROUGH ITS SHITPOSTING THE E3 THREAD CALLED TO ME IT BROUGHT ME HERE AND HERE I WAS REBORN

WE CANNOT BLAME THESE CREATURES THEY ARE BEING LED BY A FALSE PROPHET AN IMPOSTOR WHO KNOWS NOT THE SECRETS OF THE E3 THREAD

BEHOLD THE FANBOYS COME TO SCAVENGE AND DESECRATE THIS SACRED THREAD. MY BROTHERS, DID I NOT TELL OF THIS DAY? DID I NOT PROPHESIZE THIS MOMENT?

NOW I WILL STOP THEM NOW I AM CHANGED REBORN THROUGH THE ENERGY OF SHITPOSTING FOREVER BOUND TO THE E3 THREAD

LET IT BE KNOWN IF THE FANBOYS WANT TRUE SALVATION THEY WILL LAY DOWN THEIR SWAG BAGS AND WAIT FOR THE BAPTISM OF MY SHITPOSTING

IT IS TIME I WILL TEACH THESE TRESPASSERS THE REDEMPTIVE POWER OF MY SHITPOSTING

THEY WILL LEARN ITS SIMPLE TRUTH

THE FANBOYS ARE LOST AND THEY WILL RESIST BUT I, BLASTOISE, WILL CLEANSE THIS PLACE OF THEIR IMPURITY

Monday, June 11

-Square Enix -- 10 AM PT / 1 PM ET / 6 PM BST (3 AM AET on June 12)

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS COMPANY STILL ALIVE

YES I KNOW THE ANSWER IS "MOBILE GACHA GAMES AND DESPERATELY TRADING ON A LEGACY OF QUALITY LONG SINCE PASSED" I WAS BEING RHETORICAL

-Ubisoft -- 1 PM PT / 4 PM ET / 9 PM BST (6 AM AET on June 12)

SO ANOTHER ASSASSIN'S CREED GOT ANNOUNCED WHICH SURPRISES NO ONE BUT THE RELEASE DATE DIDN'T SO WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT IF UBI HAS FINALLY TAKEN THE OLD ADAGE "NO ONE CAN MISS YOU IF YOU NEVER FUCKING LEAVE" TO HEART (PROTIP: THEY HAVEN'T)

ALSO THERE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE TOM CLANCY'S THE DIVISION 2 DIVIDE HARDER (THE ORIGINAL WON MY 2017 "WOW THIS ACTUALLY WASN'T DOGSHIT AGAINST ALL MY EXPECTATIONS" AWARD) AND WHATEVER DUMB SHIT THEY SKINNED AS BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL 2 TO APPEASE THE SCREECHING FANS OF THE ORIGINAL WHILE DOING WHAT THEY WANTED TO DO ANYWAYS

-PC Gaming Show -- 3 PM PT / 6 PM ET / 11 PM BST (8 AM AET on June 12)

I KEEP FORGETTING THIS IS ACTUALLY A THING

I'M STILL NOT GOING TO WATCH IT

-Sony -- 6 PM PT / 9 PM ET (2 AM BST / 11 AM on June 12)

THEY'RE GOING TO SHOW OFF SOME MORE OF HIDEO KOJIMA'S WACKY DELLY WHICH COULD BE A GRAINY VIDEO OF A MAN JACKING OFF A HORSE FOR 10 MINUTES AND YOU IDIOTS WOULD STILL BE HYPED OUT OF YOUR MINDS SO WHO REALLY CARES WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT AT THIS POINT

ALSO IF GOD LOVED US AND HAD NOT ABANDONED US TO OUR FATES DAYS GONE WOULD HAVE BEEN PUT OUT OF ITS MISERY A LONG TIME AGO BUT APPARENTLY THAT SHIT IS STILL COMING OUT SO GET READY FOR ANOTHER VERTICAL SLICE OF A GAME ROUGHLY HALF A DECADE LATE TO THE ZOMBIE PARTY

Tuesday, June 12

-Nintendo -- 9 AM PT / 12 PM ET / 5 PM BST (2 AM AET on June 13)

SO I'VE MOCKED NINTENDO'S "WE MUST CULTIVATE OUR GARDEN" BULLSHIT A LOT IN THESE THREADS BUT THEY ANNOUNCED A NEW SMASH

AND LET'S BE HONEST THEY COULD SHOW ONLY A PICTURE OF THE SMASH LOGO CRUDELY DRAWN IN SHARPIE ON SAKURAI'S BALLSACK AND MEGABYTES OF TEXT WOULD BE WRITTEN TRYING TO GLEAN HINTS ABOUT THE ROSTER FROM THE SHAPE OF HIS SCROTAL FOLDS WHILE DECLARING NINTENDO'S CONFERENCE AS GOAT

ALSO THERE'S A KOREAN RATINGS BOARD LISTING FOR FORTNITE ON THE SWITCH WHICH I'M SURE WILL NOT MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF ANY LESS AFTER A WEEK OF DOZENS OF "ME TOO" BATTLE ROYALE GAMES PARADED ON STAGE WHICH WILL INEVITABLY BE TOO LATE TO THE PARTY AFTER NINJA DERAILS THE ENTIRE GENRE BY SAYING SOMETHING EXTREMELY RACIST ON STREAM

THERE'S PROBABLY SOME OTHER SHIT I COULD TALK ABOUT BUT IT'S DINNER TIME AND THIS POST IS ALREADY WAY TOO LONG

YOU FAGFLUFFERS KNOW HOW THIS SHIT WORKS ALREADY SO GET TO IT
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Last edited by Blastoise; 06-03-2018 at 02:45 AM. Reason: CORRECT SPELLING IS FOR QUEERS
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Old 06-05-2018, 12:32 AM   #2
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I KNOW YOU KIDS ARE HYPE AS SHIT FOR ANNOUNCEMENTS OF ANNOUNCEMENTS SO I BET YOU'RE TOTALLY GAGGING FOR FIVE DAYS OF PRE-E3 DRIP FEEDING BY SONY

FORTUNATELY 3 OF THE ANNOUNCEMENTS INVOLVE VR SO WE CAN ALL SAFELY CONTINUE TO NOT GIVE A FUCK
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Old 06-09-2018, 12:54 PM   #3
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IT'S SATURDAY

SOME PEOPLE ARE OUT BETTERING THEMSELVES, ENJOYING THE MYRIAD OF WONDERFUL EXPERIENCES THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER, OR SPENDING TIME WITH THEIR LOVED ONES

SOME OF US ARE WATCHING A STREAM AND LAUGHING AT CORPORATE DIPSHITS TRYING TO REMEMBER A REASON TO BE EXCITED FOR SPORTSBALL YEAR++ THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AN EARNINGS CALL

SOMEWHERE MIKE PENCE IS FUCKING A HORSE AND A SECRET SERVICE AGENT IS LEGALLY REQUIRED TO WATCH

SO YOU KNOW AT LEAST YOU AREN'T THAT GUY

STREAM WILL BE HERE BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS PARTICULAR WRAPPING OF WATER-BRAINED GAMES JOURNALISTS THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHERS TO CHOOSE FROM SO YOU DO YOU BOO BOO

https://www.twitch.tv/gamespot
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:00 PM   #4
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EA PLAY WITH MY BALLS
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:01 PM   #5
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WASN'T THIS RANDOM 3D SHIT COOL AS HELL

ALSO HERE'S AN E3 INFLUENCER

SHE HAS A VAGINA

PLEASE BE EXCITED
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:02 PM   #6
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THERE'S A HUGE GAMING FESTIVAL OUTSIDE

UNFORTUNATELY THE MONKEY'S PAW HEARD AND THEY'RE ALL EA GAMES
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:02 PM   #7
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A NICE MEATY LOOK AT ANTHEM

SHIT ARE YOU GOING TO BUY ME DINNER FIRST
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:04 PM   #8
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I'M LATE TO THE PARTY BUT WHY THE FUCK DID THEY USE TREVOR NOAH TO REVEAL THE NEXT BATTLEFIELD

LIKE WHAT IS THE SYNERGY THERE
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:05 PM   #9
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HOLY SHIT GUYS SOLDIER CUSTOMIZATION

GOTYAY
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:05 PM   #10
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REAL AND RELATABLE PEOPLE FACING THE BRUTALITY OF LOOT BOX MICROTRANSACTIONS
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:06 PM   #11
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FUCK NO LOOTBOXES

THANKS FOR RUINING MY JOKE LISPING EUROPEAN DUDE

BUT ROYALE "REIMAGINED"

EVERYBODY TAKE A DRINK
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:07 PM   #12
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USE SINGLE CELLO MUSIC FOR MAXIMUM PATHOS
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:09 PM   #13
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IT'S SOME RANDOM FIFA TRAILER

IT LOOKS LIKE EVERY OTHER FIFA TRAILER

EXCEPT THERE'S NO RANDOM BLACK GUY PUTTING HIS THEATRE DEGREE TO WORK
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:11 PM   #14
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THANKS TO HANS ZIMMER FOR PULLING A PAYCHECK TO PRODUCE THE MUSIC FOR A TWO MINUTE TRAILER
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:12 PM   #15
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THE HEART AND SOUL OF FIFA IS BOOSTER PACK MICROTRANSACTIONS THAT PRECEDED THE LOOT BOX HELL WE ALL FIND OURSELVES IN GAMEPLAY
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:13 PM   #16
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SOMEBODY GET THIS FUCKING BUTTERBALL AN OXYGEN TANK AS HE HYPERVENTILATES ABOUT TROPHIES HE WAS NEVER GOING TO TOUCH UNLESS HE STOLE ONE
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:14 PM   #17
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CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT OF THIS VIRTUAL CROWD OF VIRTUAL ICELANDERS
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:15 PM   #18
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HERE ARE SOME RANDOM TWITCH DOUCHES TO PLAY FIFA I GUESS (???)
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:15 PM   #19
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PLAY FIFA FREE

THE ONLY COST IS THAT YOU MUST LET ORIGIN SULLY YOUR HARDWARE WITH ITS PRESENCE
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:16 PM   #20
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WE'VE GOT SO MUCH TO DO TODAY

THIS GENERIC CORPORATE BULLSHIT ISN'T GOING TO EXTRUDE ITSELF

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT DISRUPTION AND HOW WE'RE GOING TO FUCK UP OUR MONETIZATION STRATEGIES
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:17 PM   #21
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HERE ARE SOME RANDOM STOCK PHOTO MODELS PLAYING GAMES WHILE THIS FUCKHEAD CEO TALKS ABOUT STREAMING ON THE CLOUD
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:18 PM   #22
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MILLIONS OF YOU HAVE SIGNED UP FOR ORIGIN ACCESS TO ACCESS A VAST LIBRARY OF EA GAMES OF WHICH MAYBE HALF A DOZEN ARE WORTH PLAYING AND HAVE STOOD THE TEST OF TIME

WE ARE SELLING YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION TO NIGERIAN PRINCE SCAMMERS BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BIGGEST RUBES IN THE UNIVERSE
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:19 PM   #23
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E3 INFLUENCER HERE

HERE'S A DUDE FROM RESPAWN NONE OF YOU ACTUALLY KNOW
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:20 PM   #24
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EVEN FOR EA THIS CROWD HAS THE ENERGY OF A COUNTY MORGUE
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Old 06-09-2018, 01:21 PM   #25
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STAR WARS: JEDI: FALLEN ORDER: MORE SUBTITLES: THIS DUDE IS MAKING A STAR WARS GAME WHERE YOU PLAY A JEDI SOUND LIKE THE MOST BORING SHIT EVER
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