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Old 06-12-2016, 10:41 PM   #1
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E3 2016: THE CYCLE OF EMPIRES ON FAST FORWARD

I'M GOING TO START OFF WITH AN IMAGE THAT SAYS EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING VIDEO GAME RELATED



YEAH THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS CAN YOU HANDLE 6 FUCKING SEPARATE EDITIONS OF THE SEQUEL TO EVERYONE'S BIGGEST NEXT GEN DISAPPOINTMENT

WELL IN ANY EVENT SPEAKING OF NEXT GENERATION SONY AND MICROSOFT APPARENTLY HAVE XBOX ONE POINT FIVE AND PS FOUR POINT FIVE IN THE PIPE BECAUSE I GUESS WE REALLY NEED TO PUSH HARD FOR 4K WHEN MOST GAMES STILL CAN'T DO 1080P NATIVE AND THEY MAY OR MAY NOT DISCUSS IT AT E3 BECAUSE E3 IS APPARENTLY NOT FOR ANNOUNCING THINGS ANYMORE GIVEN HOW UBISOFT AND EA HAD THEIR CONFERENCES/AND OR ANNOUNCED A BUNCH OF SHIT BEFORE THE ACTUAL EVENT ITSELF AND THESE DAYS NINTENDO HAS E3 "CONFERENCES" IN THE SAME WAY SYRIA HAS "STABLE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT"

THE CYNIC IN ME WONDERS IF WE HAVE ONCE AGAIN REACHED THE POINT WHERE E3 HAS BECOME A FARCE IN THE EYES OF DEVELOPERS WHO HAVE REALIZED THAT YOU CAN GENERATE JUST AS MUCH HYPE BY LEAKING CINEMATIC TRAILERS ON YOUTUBE WITHOUT HAVING TO DEDICATE HALF YOUR TEAM TO SPENDING A YEAR CUTTING A VERTICAL SLICE TO SHOW OFF FOR GAMES JOURNALISTS LIKE JEFF GERSTMANN (WHO PERPETUALLY CARRIES THE MIEN OF A MAN WHO HAS BEEN DENIED THE DEATH HE CRAVES)

ALSO THERE WILL PROBABLY BE SOME MORE VR SHIT AS GAME MAKERS EVERYWHERE HOPE THAT THE MASS MARKET HAS FINALLY DECIDED THAT THEY WANT TO SPEND THEIR RELAXATION TIME WEARING VIRGINITY PROTECTORS ON THEIR HEADS

BUT HEY NO MAINLINE ASSASSIN'S CREED FOR THIS YEAR SO PROGRESS

SO YOU CRAZY KIDS KNOW THE DEAL BY NOW YOU CAN JOIN ME IN WALLOWING IN CONTEMPT AS I WATCH SONY AND MICROSOFT'S PRESSERS AND LAUGH AS MARKETING MAJORS TRY TO FEIGN HUMAN EMOTION AND THE FEL BEAST FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE PIT DAVID CAGE IS PERMITTED ON STAGE ONCE AGAIN TO SHOW OFF HIS LATEST FANTASY OF A PETITE BRUNETTE BEING ALMOST RAPED RENDERED IN GLORIOUS VIDEO GAME 3D

I MAY OR MAY NOT ALSO DO EA'S PRESENTATION HERE SHORTLY BECAUSE I DECIDED I WANTED TO GO OUT ON A NICE MILD DAY RATHER THAN SIT INSIDE AND WATCH MARKETING TRAILERS, FUCK YOU
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Last edited by Blastoise; 06-13-2016 at 12:26 AM.
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:45 PM   #2
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YEAH LET'S DO EA'S CONFERENCE WHY THE FUCK NOT NONE OF YOU PUBES NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY TOMORROW ANYWAYS

https://www.youtube.com/v/psEDJXl2ApY

STARTING FROM THE 43:00 MARK BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK GIVES A SHIT ABOUT GAMESPOT IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD TWENTY SIXTEEN
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:46 PM   #3
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STARTING NOW

GET READY FOR FREDDY MADDEN
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:47 PM   #4
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WE COULD NEVER GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT IN 60 MINUTES

MY WIFE SAYS I CAN'T EVEN MANAGE IT IN TWO
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:48 PM   #5
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WE WANT YOUR FEEDBACK BECAUSE AS A GAMING JUGGERNAUT WE NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO MAKE GAMES WITHOUT FOCUS GROUPS ANYMORE
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:49 PM   #6
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AS YOU CAN SEE WE'RE DOING SIMULTANEOUS CONFERENCES ACROSS THE WORLD BECAUSE WHY SHOULD SAD SACKS WHO WANT TO ATTEND EA CONFERENCES IN PERSON BE RESTRICTED TO ONE CONTINENT
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:50 PM   #7
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THE GUY READING HIS PHONE AT THIS CONFERENCE KNOWS WHAT'S UP

ALSO WE'RE GOING TO WWI BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER WARS HAVE BEEN TAPPED OUT

I FEEL SAD TYPING THAT OUT
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:51 PM   #8
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PLEASE SLOW DOWN I CAN ONLY BE SNIDE ABOUT MARKETING HORSESHIT BLATHER SO FAST
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:51 PM   #9
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TITANFALL 2 COMING TO LAND LIKE A WET FART SOON NEAR YOU
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:52 PM   #10
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HERE ARE SOME FUTURE WAR MEN FIGHTING THE NOT HELGHAST
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:53 PM   #11
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WE HAVE MORE GIANT ROBOTS AND GRAPPLING HOOKS AND COMBAT SLIDES TO SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE DICK

WHAT ELSE DO YOU KIDS FUCKING WANT
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:54 PM   #12
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PERFUNCTORY 4-HOUR SINGLE PLAYER CAMPAIGN COMING TO TITANFALL 2
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:56 PM   #13
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PROTOCOL 1 LINK TO PILOT

PROTOCOL 2 BE A LOOSE CANNON WHO FOLLOWS NO LAW BUT HIS OWN PROGRAMMING WHICH IS STILL TOO MANY LAWS BECAUSE ASIMOV AND SHIT
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:57 PM   #14
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OBLIGATORY MADDEN TRAILER

EUROPEANS TAKE THIS TIME TO FEEL SMUG BECAUSE RUGBY OR SOCCER OR WHATEVER
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:58 PM   #15
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AND AFTER THE MADDEN TRAILER WE GO BACK TO PETER MOORE IN LONDON BECAUSE IF THERE'S ANYONE WHO CARES ABOUT DEFLATEGATE IT WOULD BE THE BRITISH
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:58 PM   #16
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E-SPORTS

EVERYONE TAKE A DRINK
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:59 PM   #17
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ONLY A SELECT FEW HAVE THE SOCIAL DISFUNCTION AND OR COGNITIVE DISORDERS NECESSARY TO BECOME PROFESSIONAL GAMERS
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:00 PM   #18
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LET'S MEET THESE TWO E-ATHLETES YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:00 PM   #19
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PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN BEAT ME

ONLY MY INABILITY TO SPEAK WITHOUT STUTTERING CAN DEFEAT ME
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:01 PM   #20
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I HAVE DEDICATED MY LIFE TO BEING GOOD AT A VIDEO GAME ABOUT FOOTBALL BECAUSE I HAVE NO HIGHER AMBITIONS IN MY LIFE
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:02 PM   #21
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AFTER THOUSANDS OF COMPETITORS ONLY THESE WINDOW LICKERS REMAIN

INCLUDING A MAN WHO BROKE HIS ARM RUNNING WITHOUT HIS SHOES TIED

TRULY THE ATHLETES OF OUR AGE
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:03 PM   #22
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LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SAD FARCE OF THESE MEN DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND A PURPOSE IN A WORLD WHERE THE MEANING OF MASCULINITY HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:04 PM   #23
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AT THE HEART OF MASS EFFECT ANDROMEDA IS A QUESTION

"WILL THIS BE A SHITSHOW LIKE MASS EFFECT 3"
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:05 PM   #24
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IT WAS AN AMAZING STORY WE MANAGED TO FUCK UP SO HARD THAT WE HAD TO RELEASE A BUNCH OF DLC TO COVER OUR ASSES
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:06 PM   #25
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OKAY FUCKING SERIOUSLY DID EA CHOOSE EVERY PERSON IN THE COMPANY WITH A LISP TO DO THEIR PRESENTATION
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