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Old 01-11-2009, 12:25 AM   #1
ajnrules
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Crush #2 (October 21, 1997 - July 10, 2008)

Well...it's finally happened. After (give or take) 10 years, 8 months, 19 days, 1 hour, 15 minutes, and 15 seconds, my crush/obsession with the venerable AJN has come to an end. It was a moment that many that know me have been waiting for, although it was 8 years overdue. The end date, as you may have noticed, is in July and not January. This is because I wanted to take some time to make sure the crush is truly over and also so that I can take a look back and try to come to terms with it. Actually, I've been procrastinating on the second part, so I'll be doing it while I write. This will be more like a series of personal musings rather than a thesis, even though the length may seem like the latter. Nevertheless, I will try to have some level of organization. I'll start by taking a look at exactly what happened in those 10+ years, and then try to figure out exactly why it lasted so long. Finally, I'll end with a discussion as to how it exactly influenced my life, and where I should go from here.

The reason why I am posting this here is because you were my first online community. Having arrived less than a year removed from my move away from Kansas, I subjected you all to praises of the wonders and beauty of AJN. Therefore, the conclusion of this affair may actually mean more to you than if I said this in my current online community (the Send Pokemon applications on Facebook, in case you were wondering.) Most of you may already know all of the sordid details about the situation, but I'll recap it to you here.

What Happened?

As you may know, AJN is the initials of a classmate of mine in middle school. Using the term classmate is a bit of a stretch, because we were in the same classes only in the seventh grade, but school is how I got to meet her. Now that I think of it, this separation in sixth grade may have served to delay the onset of the crush. My first recollection of her came during an orientation session of sorts before we got our homeroom (which was called KARE...ah, the memories.) We had the icebreaker activity where we had to line up in order by birthdays. I distinctly remember being near the front of the line (since my birthday was January 25). In addition, I remember seeing an attractive girl near the end of the line. Her birthday was December 24. I didn't know who she was, but I knew she was older than me. As it turns out, that girl was AJN. The fact that I knew her birthday before her name may be a sign of things to come. In the end, we got siphoned off to different classes, which may explain why it wasn't love at first sight.

It also didn't help that I hadn't quite hit puberty, so I can't say I had girls on my mind. And the one that did strike me was TRH, a relatively close friend who eventually became Crush #1 on April 17, 1997. However, her family moved to Florida after the school year, and that opened the door for AJN. In seventh grade, we were in the same civics and science class, and that's when the ball started rolling. Things finally came to a climax on October 21, 1997, when my civics teacher decided to take us to see the matinee production of the school musical, Bye Bye Birdie. AJN played the role of Kim McAfee. Even though I sat near the back, I couldn't help but being attracted to AJN. Finally, at the moment the bell rang to signify the end of the period, I felt an incredible feeling of...something...rush into me. It was approximately 10:15 am CST. The crush had officially begun.

I'm probably boring you with my detailed anecdotes, so I'll try to move this along. I wasn't quite sure what hit me, but after that day AJN was always on my mind. I began to find joy in being around her, so I paid close attention to her every action. And yet, in real life I'm probably the shyest individuals you can ever meet. It's hard for me to say anything in a crowd of people, much less to the person I found amazingly attractive. So I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to AJN, yet I couldn't keep my eyes off her. You can all probably guess what happened next: I started stalking her in the halls. I memorized her schedule, her locker location, and followed her to all places, sometimes following only a few feet away. She wasn't even safe in her own home, as I left prank messages on her answering machine. Looking back, it horrifies me to think about what I did, but I was 13, controlled by hormones, and already on the rock bottom in the scale of societal acceptability, so I didn't care what I did, as long as I got to get the most out of seeing AJN.

Wow, this is starting to be incredibly scary. Let's try to get through this period as quickly as possible. My actions had predictable results. I wasn't in the same classes as AJN in eighth grade, and I was told on several occasions by teachers and classmates to leave her alone. I never did. I had become legitimately obsessed, although I didn't like to admit it. AJN was in my thoughts 24/7. I went to sleep thinking about her. However, my time with her was coming to a close. In November of 1998, I learned that my family would be moving away for my father's new job. It was devastating news. I had friends in spite of my screwed up actions. I loved my house, and (of course) I didn't want to leave AJN. Yet nothing could change the fact that we were moving. I saw AJN for the very last time on May 27, 1999, and we moved away from Kansas in June 4, 1999. (And in the most bizarre of all coincidences, the family who moved into our old house after we moved was none other than that of TRH, newly returned from Florida.) I had thought at the time that moving away from AJN would end my obsession with her. I couldn't be more wrong.

[i]I'll let you rest a bit with this fact. The length of time between the beginning of the crush and the last time I saw AJN was 583 days. The crush ultimately lasted 3,915 days. That means the amount of time where I got to see AJN makes up only 14.89% of the entire crush. 85.11% of the lifetime of the crush came after I moved away.)

Even though I was in a new location, I refused to let go of my memories of my time in Kansas. Even though I couldn't see AJN, I continued to think about her every day. Sure, there were some cute girls in high school, and I even had another crush a mere three months after leaving Kansas (it was on Misty, though, so it probably doesn't count), but none of that affected the hold that I had on the memories of AJN. My feelings towards her cycled between periods of intense attraction and periods of relatively low activity, but it never dissipated. I'd bring her up to classmates, teachers, and even random strangers I met online. As recently as 2006, a Google search of her name brings up mostly entries from archived UPNetwork messages. (I'm sure that was awkward to her and everybody that knew her.) People were telling me to forget AJN as early as 1998, but I stubbornly refused. This is pretty much how I spent most of my high school years. I'd go to school, do my schoolwork on the bus, and spend the rest of the day fantasizing about AJN while spending time on online message boards. That's probably why I've turned into such a lowlife.

By the time I got to college, I've begun to crack under the effects of time and the fact that everybody I know in real life was telling me to move on. It was the beginning of the end, although the actual end took a long time to finally arrive. I think of this post-graduation period as being a series of important events that led to the final conclusion. I like to think that it began in 2003 when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. One important tenant of becoming a Christian was making Jesus and God's Word as the Lord of my life. It would be almost five years before it finally happened, but it got the ball rolling.

The fifth anniversary of my departure from Kansas came in 2004, and I still couldn't stop thinking about her. Facebook stormed onto the scene that year, and I got an account as soon as I heard about it, hoping that I may be able to find her that way. At the time Facebook was exclusive only to the "elite" colleges (ah, those were the days,) so it took a year before she finally showed up. If this was back in 2000, I would have sent her a Friend Request without a second thought, but I wasn't 14. I was 20. I knew the last thing she wanted was for me to get in touch with her, and I wouldn't blame her, not after the hellish conditions I put her through back in middle school. So ultimately, nothing changed with this discovery.

In November of 2005, Facebook unveils its most popular feature: Photos. People can upload photos to Facebook, and for the first two months these photo albums were open to everybody that had Facebook. Yes, it means that I was able to see for myself how much she's changed over the past six years. The results? You can definitely tell it's the same person: the same long blond hair, the same facial features, the same smile etc. She was buffer, but still attractive enough to wow the socks off some people...but not me. There were a few pictures that reminded me of middle school, but it was clear that AJN in 2005 is not the same as the AJN in 1998. Would I have spent days and nights obsessing over 2005 AJN? The answer is no. After this discovery, I accepted the fact that all this time I had been infatuated with the specter of a girl I knew when I was 12-14. People have been telling me that since we moved, but I had refused to believe it. This means that all I had to do to get over AJN was shake off the memories I had of her in middle school. However, this was easier said than done, considering it had already sustained me for the six years after I left Kansas. It would be two and a half years before the crush ended.

Facebook took notice of the lack of Internet security with their public photo albums, and made all albums private only a few days into 2006. Nevertheless, I got a contact with whom I was close with in middle school and who was a mutual friend with AJN. He'd send me updates and pics, and he hit me with a bombshell in the summer of 2007. AJN was engaged. I knew when I saw her pics that she had a boyfriend, and he was most likely a good person who loved her legitimately, but the news still struck me hard. Still, I knew I had no chance with her, and the only thing I can do was to wish her all the best (privately, that is). I learned of their marriage a year later, in June of 2008. (Actually, it happened in May, but I didn't find out about it until June.) There is no better way to end an unrequited lust than finding out that the person you lusted over has gotten married. I soon realized that the memories of AJN no longer turn me on as it had in the past. The obsession that had plagued me for a good half of my life had come to a screeching halt. I was still wary that I would still go back and become infatuated with middle school AJN, but it never happened. This obsession is over. When it came time to decide exactly when the crush ended, there's no better than the most emotionally draining day in the past year: July 10, or the day I took my second MCAT.

Why?

My obsession over AJN started out as just another schoolboy crush dictated solely by hormones, but it became far more than that. Why exactly did it flourish when everything was pointing to it withering away after the source disappeared? Why did I continue to obsess over somebody that I knew for a fact hated/was scared of me? The obvious answer is simply that I refused to forget about her. Anybody knows that the best way to memorize a phone number is to constantly rehearse it. That way, it'll stay fresh in your memory. That's pretty much what I did between the time when I became aware of the crush up until 2007. I kept reminding myself about my feelings towards AJN, and that was how it remained vibrant for so long.

But I've known this for years. The real question is why would I continue to remember an obsession that had no chance of getting anywhere for so long? I used to say to myself that by moving so suddenly, I never had closure. Now I know that's completely BS. I already knew that I had no shot at getting with AJN back in 1999. However, I do feel like the move had an effect on the longevity of the obsession, in that I was using it to rebel. In addition, I felt scared that by letting go of the crush, I'd forfeit my memories of Kansas and an important part of who I am. Finally, there's also the fact that the infatuation makes me so darned happy.

I probably went through my teenage years with less drama with my parents than most other people. While I hear horror stories about people who had all-out wars, I never had that problem. It was probably due to my introverted personality. I rebelled not with open confrontations, but through withdrawing. And what was an outlet for me to withdraw into? One is online communities such as UPNetwork. The other is with the memories of the past. In a way, the latter was my way of rebelling against the move that had devastated me so. By living in the past, I was making a statement, which was "Things were much better when we lived in Kansas." Yes, that was extremely stubborn of me (my family members do tell me that my neck and shoulders are all super-stiff), but it was the way I knew how to deal with the event that was so detestable.

Perhaps it was because I was convincing myself about it with my rebellion; perhaps it was because I was looking at life through rose-tinted glasses; or perhaps I had believed it all along, but in no time at all I had subscribed to the idea that 1997-1999 were the highlights of my life. Everything was downhill from there. For one thing, this belief prevented me from embracing my new community. More importantly, I soon gained the need to protect the legacy of those golden years. And what better to represent those years as its symbol than my obsession with AJN? Therefore, I began to think that if I were to move on and forget about AJN, then I would in essence be losing the very thing that I held dear: the memories of those fantastic years.

Now, if you think about it, that breaks new grounds in faulty reasoning. I've always maintained that there was more to those final two years in Kansas than AJN, so I can always find a different symbol and still keep its legacy alive, but there was a deeper reason why I hung onto the obsession for so long. Simply put, it was because I was satisfied with it. I thoroughly enjoyed the rush of hormones inside of me every day when I AJN in middle school, and my memories of her were sufficient in keeping me satisfied even after her physical presence had disappeared from my life. Now, how could I bear to part with something that has brought me so much joy? Granted, the joy is artificial and empty, but that's beside the point. I didn't want to admit it was lust, but that's exactly what it was.

For this reason, I believe that becoming a Christian was instrumental in leading to the end of the crush because the entire obsession is completely counter to what a normal Christian life should be like. As a Christian, I am called to pursue and worship the Lord Jesus Christ, but I was doing all of that to AJN, who was just another person. I was committing all sorts of sexual immorality because of this crush, and the Bible says explicitly to stay away from those acts. Furthermore, God showed me that my three reasons for staying attracted to AJN were unnecessary and potentially dangerous. Rebelling against one's parents, both earthly and heavenly, is an act of sin. So I should no longer reject the move away from Kansas, as it was something God gave me so that I may become closer to Him. He taught me that trusting in the Holy Spirit would bring me joy far greater than the ones I was getting from indulging the sinful nature, aka continuing to obsess over AJN.

Finally, in what has been the hardest truth to accept (but nothing about being a Christian is easy), God let me know that 1997-1999 were not the greatest years of my life. The great years of my life would be all the years that I would spend with the Lord. I'm still working on this final truth, but I became convinced that by letting myself stay smitten with AJN, I was hindering my walk with the Lord. So I began praying for the crush to end. Of course, the sinful nature inside of me wants the complete opposite. It took two years of bitter battles between the Spirit and the flesh, but by fulfilling the reasons I was giving to keep the crush alive, I feel that the Lord has finally granted me a release. Plus, no Christian would want to covet another man's wife.

What Does It All Mean?

When the crush ended on July 10, it had taken up a good 45.7% of my life. There is no way that I can be smitten with somebody for so long and not have the experience affect me in some way. First of all, and possibly most significantly, my obsession with AJN had completely warped my ideas of romance. And looking back with a Christian perspective, it's showed me that I've spent all of my teenage years and a little bit more wallowing in sexual sin, which makes God's love and mercy so much more important for me.

First, the secular impact. The crush on AJN had coincided with my high school and undergraduate years. As you may know, those are the prime years for romantic dating and other things. Well, I spent those years lusting after a static memory of a girl I knew in middle school, so not only did I miss out on lots of romantic opportunities, but I've also established ridiculous standards. Whenever I saw somebody attractive, the first thing I'd do was compare her to AJN, or specifically my memories of her. So the candidate would have to live up to AJN, which is nigh impossible because of how she is so perfect in my mind. And since nobody in the real world can live up to my impossibly high expectations, I turned to the source that produced the only person to live up to AJN, or at least come close enough to be satisfactory: the realm of fictional females. Since 1999, I've been attracted to just about twice as many fictional females as real ones, and I feel that my crush on AJN is a major cause for this phenomenon. And yes, it just means that I'll be less likely to get married and continue the family lineage.

More importantly (at least on a Christian standpoint), by spending almost half of my life living a lust, it's the same thing as spending almost half of my life reveling in sin. Just like how I had impossibly high expectations for females, God has impossibly high expectations for us. I wanted every female to be perfect like my memories of AJN. God wants everybody to be perfect like He is. Admitting sin is hard for lots of people, but this 10-year lust sticks out like a thorn. It'll be hard for me to deny the fact that I've sinned (although it certainly isn't impossible, with the way I was in denial for the majority of the lifetime of the crush). And based on Scripture, the only thing I deserve for this sin is death, and I'll be the first to admit it. But God is love, and He loves me far more than I can ever love myself, which is why He sent His son the Lord Jesus Christ to die. He died for sinners/believers so that the sins would no longer be counted against us. And since I have on my ledger a 10-year sin, I desperately need to accept God's grace if I want to have a chance at eternal life.

Wow, I definitely didn't plan for this thing for this to become like a mini-sermon when I started, but I'm kind of glad it did. Anyways, has my life settled into a peaceful walk with God now that one of the main obstacles have been removed? Unfortunately, things aren't that simple. My life has gone through many changes between 1997 and 2008, but my crush has been one constant. Now that the constant has disappeared, my life's gone through a bit of a disruption. It's like in Tales of Symphonia. Even though Lloyd and company has rejoined Sylvarant and Tethe'alla, the two worlds have been separated for so long rejoining the two has led to disastrous results. It also doesn't help to live in a fallen world, when getting rid of one sin leads to the entrance of other sins. I've grown to be quite neglectful of my daily devotions over the past six months, and that in turn leads to all sorts of chaos. So rather than having God fill in the hole like I had hoped, the person filling in is none other than our old friend Misty, back from the ashes of the disastrous fallout in 2000.

And about the entire forgetting about Kansas thing, I suppose I didn't have anything to worry about. It may have been caused by the natural progression of time, or it may be the effect of the Holy Spirit working in my life, but like I predicted the memories of Kansas have become subdued after the ending of the crush. And yet I don't feel very bothered by it, or maybe I am bothered, and it's just expressing itself through my spiritual lethargy, but either way, I am surviving.

Anyways, I was planning on having a conclusion at this point where I say something cheesy like, "I'll never forget AJN, but I'm no longer obsessed over her," but I'm sure you're as sick of reading this as I'm sick of writing this. I'll just leave you with one last thought. If the crush was a real person, it would have been a rising fifth grader when it died...of course, a fifth grader who spends its life confined in a wheelchair in a near catatonic state in special education classrooms, but a fifth grader nonetheless.
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Last edited by ajnrules; 01-11-2009 at 12:28 AM.
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Old 01-11-2009, 06:29 AM   #2
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I read the whole piece. Compared to your post what I write here might seem inappropriately brief, but thought has gone into it.

First, I should congratulate you on overcoming your lust - the long night has finally ended and the dawn is shining ever so brightly for you. The weight of the celestial sky must have been lifted from your shoulders. From what you've described of your infatuation, it was far above the norm when it comes to crushes. I know that when I was younger I fought against my desires tooth and nail: still to this day I have not masturbated, and the worst I've ever done is kiss a photo of something I liked from a yearbook. After doing so, I did feel shameful and later on disgusted, especially when I realized I felt no "love" toward that person.

I myself have never experienced something quite as unerringly persistent as your involvement with AJN, but there have been things I have never gotten over after many years since they've passed. Even if I the parties involved forgive me, or in other cases I forgive them, in my heart I still haven't forgiven, though I do try hard to.

Something that might come close to your obsession with AJN is mine with Mahoro from Mahoromatic. I never really felt love/lust toward Mahoro, but after what happened to her and her employer Suguru toward the end of the series I've brooded over both their fates and have not forgotten, nor will I ever. Though most assume I am innocently jesting, it is no exaggeration when I say a piece of my soul died the day I finished that anime. I don't know how it's changed me, but it's skewed my perspective of how I view life both in the real world and fictional one.

I've got another obsession with GaoGaiGar but it's not the kind of "I can't get over this" feeling as with Mahoro.
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