What is love?

[deoxys]

O hai guise,

Question: What is love? Seriously. I've been thinking about it, as for some reason (which I will not disclose at this time but I will tell the whole story later) it has applied to my life recently. Honest to goodness LOVE. Not this silly "Oh, I love you." but honest, "I LOVE YOU, LIEK, SRSLY" kind of love.

So if you could just, help me out here I suppose :/

[Talon87]

Funny you should post this thread just hours after I finished Chapter 4 of The Brain That Changes Itself, a book on how the brain works but more specifically on how the brain rewires -- neural plasticity. In Chapter 4, Dr. Doidge discusses plasticity in the context of love and addiction. He mentions that fMRI studies have been done on people deeply in love when they are shown photographs of their lovers, and the fMRI imaging results are not only similar to but downright ~identical to the same images taken of a cocaine addict's brain. :P Dr. Doidge says that this is one scientifically-credible example among many of how the feeling of being head-over-heels in love with a girl is similar to, if not the same as, the high a cocaine addict feels. I don't believe we have anybody here who's in a first-hand position to verify or refute Dr. Doidge's claims :P , but I'm sure many of you will be as skeptical as I remain that being lovey-dovey is that eerily similar to a cocaine buzz.

You can learn more about the book here.

Anyway, the love you're talking about sort of sounds like the big crushes I used to get on girls in the 7th, 8th, and 9th grades. Or at least, that's the only time I would say of myself I felt like OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I COULD TEAR DOWN THIS BUILDING WITH MY BARE HANDS. And that's sort of the extent of my first-hand experience on this. Girlfriends: 0, Kissed: 0.

[Doppleganger]

The comparisons with the cocaine addict's brain does raise the question Talon, - why? Is that relationship just a bizarre coincidence, like with one of Mozart's symphonies matching the brain waves of three year old children? Why would biology give humans a mental complex like love when there doesn't appear to be any real use for it? My own view of evolution can be best defined as dualistic; humans are simultaneously evolving in two ways, "mentally" and "physiologically". Our physiology defines where we came from, and our mentality where we're going.

Where is love rooted I wonder, in the physiology or in the mentality? Perhaps both? If we ever go to Namek's ideal world of cybernetics and robotics, can love exist in an android if it has a human conscious?

...

But anyway, I've touched on my views, but I think of love, when not confused with the more powerful impulse of "sex", to be sublime unconditional fascination/adoration of another human being. I think love evolved from and beyond sex, and was partially shaped by early primate common ancestor social culture and then the more complex human culture. Dolphins and swans might pair up but they're not in love like humans.

It's pretty intellectual.

[deoxys]

Okay, so here's the setup (this isn't the long version but whatever):

There's this girl...I talk to her on the phone for a few hours almost every night, and when we aren't talking we are texting each other. I met her 5 years ago here, at UPN. She no longer visits, however. We've been talking for the past few months, and we've recently come to find that, for some reason, neither one of us is able to stop thinking about the other. We plan on visiting each other this summer, but neither one of us can stand the distance or the wait (we live about 500 miles apart). And the way I feel...is unexplainable. I can't put it into words. I've always avoided "the L word", as I thought that it probably isn't a good idea to use and that I don't know what it really means. But I've never felt this way...is this "love"? This unexplainable feeling that I can't put into words? And it isn't just me, she told me that it's the same for her. We think about each other almost non stop, to the point where it's probably unhealthy. We also write letters to each other and occasionally send gifts.

Anyway, yes, just because I haven't met her in person, it doesn't really matter I don't think... because the feeling is there, and when I talk to her I just want more than anything in the world to be with her. I'd be willing to sacrifice almost anything for her.

[enchantress]

Love depends upon the context of a relationship. The bond between a mother and child (in most cases), is much stronger than the bond between a man and a woman (or partners, in regards to same sex relationships). The majority of the time a mother will love her child unconditionally, even when the child has been hurtful which often happens during the teen years. But in response to romantic love, there are so many small factors involved that it's next to impossible to cover them all. Acceptance, trust, patience, compromise, and confidence would have to be the key issues though.

Love is acceptance of another person, even of their faults. Nobody will ever find a person they can't find a fault in, but if you ever try to change someone just because you don't like something about them, then you can't honestly say that you love them. This is a huge issue in many relationships, and often the cause of breakups, because one person is hell bent on changing something about the other. If you can't accept them for who they are, then your relationship will never be fulfilling. It's all about compromise. Individuals are often aware of what it is about themselves that annoys their partner and will often make an attempt to work on that aspect of themselves, without being asked or told to, in order to make their relationship work. If one truly isn't aware of something, then it should be brought up (tactfully), and discussed so that some kind of compromise can be met, or at the very least so that the one in the dark is aware of the issue.

Love is trust, and believing in the other person even when you've been through some pretty harsh trials. Relationships will always, and I mean ALWAYS, have their rocky patches, but when you're so familiar with a person, accepting of them, and confident in your relationship, then you'll always be able to work through the tough times. Sometimes trust can be shattered through the actions of one or both parties, but when you're committed to one another then you never think, "Is this even worth fighting for?". It never enters your mind. You know you're going to work through it without question, and when you come to a point where you can argue one minute and be laughing and affectionate with one another soon afterward, then you know you're onto a winner. Not all problems can be solved overnight, but if you truly do love your partner, then it'll all work out in the end despite any obstacles thrown in your path.

Love is being able to confide 100% in a person and know that they'll not turn their back on you, which goes back to the trust and acceptance issues. Secrets can seal the fate of a relationship even before it starts depending upon the scale of whatever it is you're hiding. Up front honesty helps not only to avoid trouble later on, but to build up that "connection" between a couple that will lead into a fulfilling a trusting relationship. If there's anything you feel you need to get off your chest, then do it as soon as possible because the longer it remains a secret, the harder it is to be honest, and when it finally comes out your partner will feel so betrayed that they may not be able to forgive. This of course all depends upon the scale of the issue involved, but if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to lose later on. That said, there are situations where love just isn't enough. Two people may be madly in love with one another, but for whatever reason can't be together because their issues only end up hurting one another. Unfortunately not everything is black and white.

Love is more than the heart pounding, knee weakening, initial lovey dovey excitement of a new romantic relationship. It grows and develops into something much more comfortable and familiar. Many couples are so in tune with one another that they can sense their partners moods without having to speak to them, know exactly what their partner is thinking or feeling just from a look or expression, and can finish their partners sentences because they're at that stage where they know each other so well that it becomes second nature.

When it comes to the more intimate areas of a relationship, partners often feel the need to give so much of themselves that they're not concerned with taking. The physical desire is there to be sure, it's knowing the difference between love and lust that is the important part. I'm not going to get into minute detail here considering the topic, but when two people are so totally focused upon pleasing one another, the results are mind blowing to say the least. When you're "making love" rather than "having sex", you'll know. There's no mistaking it.

Jealousy has no part in a lasting, loving relationship. It's ugly, and only causes resentment and destruction. Cheating doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love, or at the very least care deeply, for your partner, but it's definitely a sign that something is wrong on a deeper level. Your partner could be doing everything right, but if you're not completely committed to a long term relationship with them for reasons of your own, then this is something you need to work out. Monogamy is NOT a natural human trait, it's a law laid down by society, so it's completely understandable to know that you will feel an attraction to others while you're in a relationship. It's also not uncommon to genuinely love someone other than your partner, but it's whether or not you choose to act on your feelings that is the important factor as this shows just how committed you are to being involved in a long lasting, monogamous relationship (marriage).

For now, just enjoy the moment. Give yourselves time to get to know one another, and let it develop from there. Every relationship is different, and to be honest I doubt there really is a universal answer to the question of what love is, as it's something we all need to work out on our own in our own good time.

[deoxys]

Damn tess. That's a really intelligent and well thought out post you made... Thanks.

Also, the girl I'm talking about is Patches.

[enchantress]

I'd already guessed that :p

[deoxys]

I LOVE PATCHES!! <3

^_^

[Patches]

I love you too!! x3

<3

[Kasumi Violet]

Awww how cute.

[Talon87]

Patches is Chris Hansen?

[deoxys]

(sees post below)

...creepy

[Patches]

That's a good possibility.. >