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Old 06-14-2015, 05:18 PM   #1
Kim Jong Illest
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E3 2015: HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE VIDEO GAMES IF YOU WON'T EVEN EAT THEIR POOP

CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER

RYU IN SUPER SMASH BROTHERS

MASS HYSTERIA

WELL AS FAR AS I'M AWARE THINGS HAVE BEEN RATHER QUIET ON THE E3 RUMOR FRONT THIS YEAR AND IN GENERAL THAT MEANS ONE OF TWO THINGS

1. THE COMPANIES HAVE KEPT A TIGHT LID ON THEIR BUSINESS IN ORDER TO BEST SURPRISE AND DELIGHT US AT GAMING'S LARGEST COLLECTIVE CIRCLE JERK

2. AIN'T GONNA GET SHIT SON

THREE GUESSES WHICH ONE IS MORE LIKELY ALTHOUGH THE FACT THAT SEVERAL THIRD PARTIES ARE BEING GIANT PARTY POOPERS BY ANNOUNCING THEIR FALLOUT 4S AND XCOMS AHEAD OF THE SHOW PROBABLY DOESN'T HELP

OH AND I GUESS THERE WILL BE A BUNCH OF VIRTUAL REALITY BULLSHIT THAT WILL BE HYPED SUPER HARD AS DEVELOPERS TRY DESPERATELY TO FIND THE NEXT BIG THING THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE BUY IN ONLY TO DIE ON THE VINE AS THEY REALIZE THAT EXPENSIVE UNWIELDY HEADSETS ARE GOING TO BE ABOUT AS POPULAR AS THEY WERE 10-20 YEARS AGO AND THAT SOCIETY IS NOT YET READY FOR ITS GHOST IN THE SHELL HYPER-CONNECTED CYBER DYSTOPIA

SO ANYWAY I GUESS A BASIC RUNDOWN OF THE BIG THREE IS IN ORDER

SONY

SONY HAS BASICALLY ADMITTED THAT THEY DON'T HAVE JACK SHIT TO SHOW THIS YEAR BUT HEY WE MIGHT GET A HIGHLY SCRIPTED UNCHARTED 4 SET PIECE WHICH WILL BE LIKE EVERY OTHER HIGHLY SCRIPTED SET PIECE ON DISPLAY THIS YEAR SO YAY

ALSO ACCORDING TO THE GUARDIAN WE MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE THE LAST GUARDIAN THIS WEEK IN SONY'S CONTINUING EFFORTS TO MAKE DUKE NUKEM FOREVER FEEL GOOD ABOUT ITSELF

MICROSOFT

SO I GUESS HOLOLENS IS A THING BUT GIVEN THAT THIS IS MICROSOFT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THEY WILL PROBABLY SQUANDER THEIR TECHNOLOGICAL LEAD AS IT DISAPPEARS INTO DEVELOPMENT HELL FOR YEARS ONLY TO LATER EMERGE LIKE THE BABY BIRD THAT GETS PUSHED OUT OF THE NEST BY ITS SIBLINGS AFTER APPLE AND GOOGLE RELEASE THEIR OWN SUPERIOR VERSIONS

AND IF THE ABOVE DOESN'T HAPPEN IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE THE 360 LOOK LIKE A PARAGON OF ROBUST DESIGN

OH AND MICROSOFT WILL CONTINUE TO SEEK ITS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE VENGEANCE AGAINST BUNGIE BY LETTING 343 CONTINUE TO DRIVE HALO INTO THE FUCKING GROUND

NINTENDO

DRIVEN BY THE FURY OF HIS PREMATURE DEMISE THE VENGEFUL SPIRIT OF GUNPEI YOKOI CONTINUES TO HAUNT NINTENDO, WITH EVEN THE DEATH OF HIROSHI YAMAUCHI INSUFFICIENT TO SLAKE HIS BLOODLUST

IN RESPONSE NINTENDO IS DOING YET ANOTHER SET OF DIGITAL CONFERENCES THIS YEAR IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT IT MIGHT FINALLY CONVINCE YOKOI'S SPIRIT TO LEAVE THE WII U ALONE

OH AND THERE'S SOME STUPID NINTENDO WORLD CHAMPION BULLSHIT THEY RESURRECTED FROM THE EARLY 90'S GOING ON ABOUT NOW FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD OF TWITCH

"BUT ETERNAL SECRETARY" I HEAR SOME OF YOU SAY "WHAT ABOUT THE THIRD PARTIES AND WILL YOU PLEASE LET MY GRANDMOTHER OUT OF THE DEATH CAMP?"

UBISOFT

WILL SHOW OFF ANOTHER ASSASSIN'S CREED THAT PLAYS LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, BUT IN ENGLAND

ALL THE CHARACTERS WILL SPEAK WITH FRENCH ACCENTS

EA

EA WILL TAKE THE SLAM DUNK CONCEPT OF A MULTIPLAYER SHOOTER WHERE YOU RELIVE THE GREATEST BATTLES IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE AND SOMEHOW FUCK IT UP

BETHESDA

PEOPLE WILL BITCH ABOUT FALLOUT 4'S GRAPHICS, EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT MODS TO IMPROVE THE GRAPHICS AND/OR TO TURN ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS INTO BIG-TITTED CATGIRLS WILL BE AVAILABLE THREE DAYS AFTER RELEASE

YOUR GRANDMA

FUCK HER AND FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR FAMILY FOR THE NEXT THREE GENERATIONS

SPEAKING OF BETHESDA, WHILE I DON'T TYPICALLY DO THIRD PARTY PRESENTATIONS (THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH OF MY LIFE I WANT TO SPEND SCREAMING AT INFOMERCIALS) THEY'RE DOING THEIR BULLSHIT AT 7 PM TODAY SO JOIN ME ON TWITCH SO THAT WE CAN ALL COLLECTIVELY BITCH ABOUT HOW BETHESDA ARE HACKS:

http://www.twitch.tv/bethesda

AS ALWAYS EVEN THE ETERNAL SECRETARY'S DAYS AREN'T ALL AMERICAN MOVIES AND COERCED SEXUAL DALLIANCES WITH HAND-PICKED KOREAN CONCUBINES SO ANY OF THE MORNING/EARLY AFTERNOON CONFERENCES WILL BE DONE AFTER THE FACT (AND LIKELY SONY'S AS WELL)

I WILL DO MY BEST TO NOT SPOIL MYSELF SO THAT MY REACTIONS ARE RAW AND FILLED WITH FOUR LETTER WORDS LIKE YOU HAVE COME TO EXPECT BUT IF WAITING FOR MY TAKE IS TOO MUCH OF AN ISSUE FOR YOU JUST GO READ ABOUT THE LATEST REVEALS ON GAMESPOT YOU FIZZY BUBBLES MOUTH BREATHER

SEE YOU FAGGOTS AT 7 PM
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Old 06-14-2015, 07:30 PM   #2
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MICROSOFT CAN STOP SUCKING THIS TIME AROUND BUT ONLY IF THEY CAN LEARN FROM THE KINECT'S TOTAL FAILURE AND STOP TRYING TO FORCE CONSUMERS TO PAY FOR THINGS THEY DON'T WANT. AND SURPRISINGLY IN THIS CASE IT WASN'T THE KINECT BEINGSHOVED UP THE USERS' ASSES, IT WAS THE XBOX ITSELF.

I WOULD PROBABLY BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE TO BUY A VR GIZMO IF IT WAS PRESENTED AS A VR GIZMO AND NOT "XBOX PLUS VR GIZMO." EVEN IF THE ONLY GAMES AVAILABLE ARE JUST BOOGIE 11 AND KINECTIMALS 2: ELECTRIC ZOOGALOO, I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE THE TIME ON BLACK FRIDAY TO WRAP MY SWEATY MITTS AROUND THIS DEVICE AND BOWL OVER A DOZEN MIDDLE AGED WOMEN IN A VIOLENT RACE TO THE KMART CHECKOUT COUNTER.

THE CHANCE EXISTS THAT IN THE NEAR FUTURE I WILL BE ABLE TO CONJURE UP A DIGITAL AMPUTEE PROSTITUTE TO FIST AND IT IS BETTER TO BE IN ON THIS TECHNOLOGY SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.

HOWEVER, DUE TO MICROSOFT'S MONEY-GRUBBING NATURE, I WON'T BE SURPRISED IF WE SEE A LOT OF X'S EVERYWHERE AND EVENTUALLY DECIDE THAT VR IS FUCKING STUPID ANYWAY.

EDIT: APPARENTLY SOME FUCKWADS THINK THIS POST DOESN'T SUCK ENOUGH DICK SO I MODIFIED IT TO BE JUST AS STUPID AS ALL OF YOU
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:02 PM   #3
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ONE MINUTE TO BETHESDA

ENJOY PEOPLE DISCUSSING RUMORS ABOUT FALLOUT BEFORE A PRESENTATION WHERE THEY WILL PROBABLY DISCUSS FALLOUT
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:05 PM   #4
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PEOPLE WONDER HOW THEY ARE GOING TO HONOR THE LEGACY OF DOOM

THEY'RE GOING TO HONOR IT BY MAKING IT SERIOUS SAM
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:06 PM   #5
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THEY ALSO HAVE THE REALLY FUCKING DUMB SKELETON WITH GUNS DESIGN FROM THE LAST ONE
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:08 PM   #6
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LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE ONE POOR-SELLING GAME AWAY FROM A PINK SLIP
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:10 PM   #7
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IS THIS MOTHER FUCKER GOING TO FUS ROH DAH THE AUDIENCE
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:11 PM   #8
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THAT VIDEO GETS ME A LITTLE CHOKED UP BECAUSE I KNOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LAY OFF HALF OF THEM IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:12 PM   #9
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FUN GAME: TRY TO FIND SOMEONE IN THE FIRST ROW OF THE AUDIENCE WHO HAS A BMI BELOW 35
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:13 PM   #10
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WE HAVE THE BEST FANS IN THE WORLD

BECAUSE THEY MOD OURS INTO PLAYABILITY

BOOSH
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:13 PM   #11
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A SMALL COMPANY NAMED ID MADE A LITTLE GAME CALLED DOOM

AND JOHN ROMERO'S LUSCIOUS MANE GAINED SENTIENCE AND EGO
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:14 PM   #12
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DOOM IS A SPECIAL PART OF EACH OF OUR GAMING HISTORIES

LIKE HOW WE GOT TO THE END AND YOU WERE PROMPTED TO PAY FOR PART TWO AND WE WERE ALL "FUCK THAT SHIT"
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:17 PM   #13
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THERE IS NO DOOM COMIC NARRATIVE DURING THIS

WASTED OPPORTUNITY
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:18 PM   #14
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IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THE BEST AVAILABLE WEAPON WAS USED ON AN 1800'S STAGECOACH
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:19 PM   #15
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SOME PEOPLE WONDER WHY SATAN WOULD STUFF HIS MINIONS WITH HEALTH KITS AND AMMO LIKE FUCKING PINATAS

SATAN LIKES A GOOD MELEE QTE KILL AS MUCH AS THE NEXT CYBERDEMON
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:21 PM   #16
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SOMEBODY CHEERED AT RIPPING A CORPSE'S ARM OFF

I THINK I KNOW WHO'S ON THE GOVERNMENT WATCH LIST
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:22 PM   #17
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1. CHAINSAWS REALLY AREN'T PRACTICAL MELEE WEAPONS IRL

2. WHY DID IT TAKE ME A COUPLE DECADES TO WONDER WHY THEY HAVE CHAINSAWS ON MARS
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:23 PM   #18
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AND WE END WITH THE SHITTY GUN SKELETON

SIGH
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:24 PM   #19
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LET'S TALK ABOUT SHIT NOBODY CARES ABOUT

LIKE DOOM MULTIPLAYER

ON THE OTHER HAND IT MIGHT BE THE ONLY FPS RELEASED IN THE LAST FEW YEARS THAT DOESN'T HAVE KILLSTREAK BONUS BULLSHIT SO I GUESS THERE'S THAT
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:24 PM   #20
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WE ARE GOING TO PUSH THIS SHITTY GUN SKELETON UNTIL YOU LIKE IT
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:26 PM   #21
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DEMONS. NAZI ZOMBIES. SAME DIFFERENCE.
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:27 PM   #22
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WHAT IF PEOPLE COULD CREATE MODES LIMITED ONLY BY YOUR IMAGINATION

LIKE TEAM DEATHMATCH

OR WAVE-BASED SURVIVAL MODES

LOOK AT ME CREATE THESE FUCKAWESOME BARRELS
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:28 PM   #23
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WHO KNEW THERE WAS A HELL

AND IN NEW JERSEY
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Last edited by Kim Jong Illest; 06-14-2015 at 10:32 PM. Reason: EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:29 PM   #24
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BACK IN MY DAY WE CHANGED OUR WEAPONS WITH THE 1-0 KEYS LIKE REAL MEN
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Old 06-14-2015, 09:31 PM   #25
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EVERYTHING WAS COOL UNTIL SHITTY GUN SKELETON SHOWED UP
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