DATELINE OREGON: YOKEL HARAM AND THE MAGICAL RUBY RIDGE RAPE FANTASY

[Blastoise]

SORRY FOR THE CAPS LOCK BUT I AM CURRENTLY TURGID WITH FREEDOM THANKS TO THE ACTIONS OF 150 A FEW DOZEN 10ISH BRAVE PATRIOTS IN STRIKING A BLOW AGAINST THE BUREAU OF TOTALITARIANISM

Wait what?

IN A HAMMER BLOW THAT WILL BE HEARD ROUND THE WORLD LIKE LEXINGTON AND CONCORD BRAVE PATRIOTS BELONGING TO VARIOUS MILITIA ORGANIZATIONS HAVE TAKEN OVER A REMOTE BIRD SANCTUARY IN OREGON IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER IN ORDER TO FIGHT FOR TWO MEN WHO HAVE EXPLICITLY STATED THAT THEIR HELP IS UNWANTED BUT ONLY BECAUSE THOSE TWO MEN ARE BEING PRESSURED TO GIVE UP THEIR LAND FOR THE FEMA DEATH CAMPS BUT THAT'S OKAY THEY'RE IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL UNTIL THEIR OTHER DEMANDS ARE MET AND ALSO AS SOON AS THEY CAN DECIDE WHAT THEIR DEMANDS ARE AND WHAT NAME THEY'RE USING FOR BRANDING PURPOSES

Okay, please back up and start again.

OUR STORY BEGINS WITH TWO DIFFERENT BRAVE PATRIOTS UNRELATED TO THE OTHER BRAVE PATRIOTS, THE JOHN THE BAPTIST TO OUR HEROES' JESUS

DWIGHT AND STEVE HAMMOND WERE TWO RANCHERS UNFAIRLY ARRESTED AND SENTENCED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO FIVE YEARS IN PRISON (INITIALLY A FEW MONTHS UNTIL THE GODLESS FAGGOT HIPPIES IN THE NINTH CIRCUIT TOLD THE LOCAL JUDGE THAT HE DIDN'T GET TO IGNORE MINIMUM SENTENCING GUIDELINES FOR FEELIES) FOR THE MERE CRIME OF SETTING FIRES ON GOVERNMENT LAND, SETTING FIRES ON GOVERNMENT LAND TO HIDE EVIDENCE OF ILLEGAL POACHING, AND SETTING FIRES DURING A BURN BAN THAT ALMOST KILLED SEVERAL FIREFIGHTERS IN THE AREA

MEN OF THEIR ILK HAVE NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE THE DAYS OF LINCOLN AND NARY SHALL WE SEE THEIR LIKE AGAIN

HEARING OF THIS GRAVE INJUSTICE AND KNOWING JUST HOW MUCH SMALL TOWNS LIKE BEING TOLD THEIR BUSINESS BY DISCONNECTED OUTSIDERS CHILDREN OF THE GREAT AMERICAN HERO CLIVEN BUNDY (WHO ROSE TO FAME BY PROTESTING THE INJUSTICE OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ASKING FOR 10% OF THE PRIVATE ASKING RATE FOR GRAZING FEES) HAVE CONVERGED ON HARNEY COUNTY OREGON ALONG WITH ANYONE THEY COULD CAJOLE INTO BRINGING SNACKS IN ORDER TO SEE JUSTICE DONE AND THEY WILL NOT LET LITTLE THINGS LIKE "THE HAMMONDS HAVE DISAVOWED ANY ASSOCIATION WITH US AND HAVE EXPLICITLY STATED THEY DON'T WANT OUR HELP" STOP THE MARCH OF FREEDOM FROM OPENING UP A PUBLIC PARK THAT WAS ALREADY OPEN TO THE PUBLIC TO BEGIN WITH

Uh, this sounds like there's a bit more going on than two inbred hicks lighting fires.

INDEED PRETEND PERSON I AM CONVERSING WITH FOR THE PURPOSES OF A DIALECTIC AS IT SO HAPPENS THE US FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OWNS MOST OF THE LAND WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI AND THIS OWNERSHIP HAS BEEN THE SUBJECT OF CONTROVERSY FOR SOME TIME

MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE HAVE COMMENTED THAT THIS IS LIKELY DUE TO MUCH OF THE WESTERN UNITED STATES "BEING A SCRUBBY DESERT PISSHOLE WHERE HOPE GOES TO DIE" WITH THE STATES THEMSELVES NOT WANTING TO HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS UPKEEP EVEN BEFORE MENTIONING HAVING TO MEDIATE THE CONFLICT BETWEEN RANCHERS WHO DEPEND ON THE LAND FOR THEIR LIVELIHOODS AND ENVIRONMENTALISTS WHO WOULD PREFER THAT AT LEAST SOME OF THAT LAND NOT BE COVERED IN THREE FEET OF COW SHIT

HOWEVER OUR BRAVE MILITIAMEN HAVE SEEN THROUGH THE VEIL OF LIES AND HAVE REALIZED THAT IN TRUTH THE GOVERNMENT CRAVES CONTROL OF ALL THIS MARGINAL LAND AND WANTS TO STEAL EVEN MORE FOR ITS UNDERFUNDED INTERIOR DEPARTMENTS TO HANDLE BECAUSE REASONS

So, uh, what's going on at this siege now?

THE BRAVE PATRIOTS HAVE SET UP SHOP IN THE PARK CENTER READY TO REPEL THE CALLOUS JACKBOOT OF A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SO EAGER TO STEP ON THE THROATS OF GOD-FEARING AMERICANS THAT THERE IS NO VISIBLE LAW ENFORCEMENT PRESENCE WHATSOEVER

OUR HEROES ARE CURRENTLY BUSY RUNNING A BLOCKADE CONTAINING NO FEDERAL VEHICLES TO PICK UP SNACKS AND EARMUFFS AT THE GROCERY STORE AN HOUR AWAY BECAUSE EVEN MONTHS OF DELIBERATE PLANNING TO CAST DOWN THE TYRANNICAL FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CANNOT ACCOUNT FOR THE VAGARIES OF WAR LIKE "WINTER IN OREGON IS COLD"

Okay, tell me more about our, uh, heroes.

THE BUNDY FAMILY APPEARS TO ADHERE TO AT LEAST SOME OF THE IDEAS OF THE POSSE COMITATUS MOVEMENT WHICH HOLDS THAT THERE IS NO AUTHORITY HIGHER THAN THE COUNTY SHERIFF (BECAUSE HE WASN'T THE ONE WHO ORDERED THE EVIL NATIONAL GUARD TO COME IN AND ALLOW BLACK PEOPLE TO SIT AT THE SAME LUNCH COUNTERS AS WHITES) UNTIL SAID SHERIFF DOES SOMETHING YOU DISAGREE WITH AT WHICH POINT HE'S A FEDERAL STOOGE AND THE CONSTITUTION LEGALLY ALLOWS YOU TO KILL HIM AND TAKE HIS PLACE KLINGON STYLE

THEY ALSO APPEAR TO ADHERE TO THE RIGHT-WING MILITIA BELIEF THAT IF YOU OWN A POCKET CONSTITUTION AND WAVE IT AROUND WHILE YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU'RE NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED TO PAY TAXES THE SPIRIT OF GEORGE WASHINGTON WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THE BULLETS OF THE KAFIR

AMMON BUNDY IS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO, KNOWING DEEP IN HIS GIBLETS THAT THE ROLE OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS TO CHASE OFF MINORITIES AND FINANCE YOUR SMALL BUSINESS LOAN WHILE YOU THROW A SHITFIT ABOUT ANYTHING THEY DO THAT MIGHT SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENCE YOUR LIFE AS THE INEVITABLE CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING IN A POLITE MODERN SOCIETY THAT MUST BALANCE THE DESIRES OF INDIVIDUALS AGAINST THE NEEDS OF A GREATER WHOLE

RYAN BUNDY IS

UH

Spoiler: show

EVIDENCE OF THE DANGER OF BEING BEATEN WITH A BASEBALL BAT AS PUNISHMENT WHEN YOU WET YOURSELF DURING POTTY TRAINING BUT THAT'S IMPORTANT TOO I GUESS

BUT HEY IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS SOLELY A BUNDY SHOW FOR THEIR OWN SELF-FELLATION FOR WHO CAN DOUBT THE CUNNING OF TARP MAN



HAVING PLAYED HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF METAL GEAR SOLID WHILE WAITING FOR HIS WELFARE CHECK TO COME IN TARP MAN HAS COTTONED TO THE FORMERLY LOST "YOU CAN'T SEE ME, I'M UNDER A BLANKET" MILITARY STRATEGEM, AND THE THUGS IN THE FBI TREMBLE AT THE PROSPECT OF FACING HIM IN BATTLE

Where exactly are the authorities in all this?

NOWHERE, COWED AS THEY ARE BY THE SHOW OF FORCE OF A DOZEN IDIOT HAYSEEDS PATRIOTIC INSURGENTS WHO ARE SO CLEVER THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO STAY DUG IN "FOR YEARS" WITH ONLY A DOZEN CANS OF CORN AND THE GENEROSITY OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT THEM THERE TO SUSTAIN THEM

NOW, SOME MIGHT SAY THAT THIS SEEMINGLY VELVET-GLOVE APPROACH IS A PRODUCT OF THE FIASCOES AT RUBY RIDGE AND WACO, WHICH WERE CITED AS THE MOTIVATING FACTOR FOR THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING IN 1995 AND SUBSEQUENTLY LED THE GOVERNMENT TO REALIZE THAT THERE WERE OTHER WAYS OF HANDLING STANDOFF SITUATIONS THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE "SHOOT ANYTHING THAT MOVES" RULES OF ENGAGEMENT AND MILITARY SURPLUS AFVS BEARING DOWN ON IDIOTS WHO THOUGHT A HIGH-SCHOOL DROPOUT WAS THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS

AS THE UNOFFICIAL SPOKESMAN OF YA'LLQAEDA YOKEL HARAM TRAILER DAESH CITIZENS FOR CONSTITUTIONAL FREEDOM I CAN SAY THAT THIS IS CATEGORICALLY FALSE, AND THAT THESE PATRIOT HEROES ARE FIGHTING FOR THE RIGHTS OF ALL OF US TO RAPE AND OVERUSE OUR COLLECTIVE BIRTHRIGHT UNTIL THAT SHIT LOOKS LIKE THE ENDING OF THE LORAX AND ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE HOPING THAT UNCLE SAM-SENPAI FINALLY NOTICES THEM SO THAT THEY CAN HAVE THE MARTYRDOM THAT WILL BE THE ONLY ACT OF NOTE IN THEIR UNEVENTFUL WORTHLESS LIVES

I've seen a lot of people talking about how things are being handled differently because these guys are white.

NONSENSE BECAUSE THOSE PREVIOUS INFERIOR PROTESTERS WERE NOT BRISTLING WITH FREEDOM AND GUNS BECAUSE THEY DISPARAGED THEIR OWN SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS

ALSO BECAUSE THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE IDIOT ACTIONS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AND THE IDIOTIC ACTIONS OF LOCAL POLICE FORCES ALONG WITH THE HYPOCRITICAL DESIRE OF PEOPLE TYPICALLY CRITICAL OF THE EXCESSIVE FORCE EMPLOYED BY AUTHORITY FIGURES PRAYING FOR IT IN THIS INSTANCE, BUT POINTING THIS OUT WON'T GET YOU INTERNET COOL POINTS ON FACEBOOK

Do you ultimately think this should be considered a terrorist act?

NONSENSE, BECAUSE ACTUAL TERRORISTS WHO THINK SELLING YAZIDI GIRLS INTO SEX SLAVERY WILL CAUSE ALLAH TO GIVE YOU A HIGH FIVE AS HE HELPS YOU DOUBLE TEAM ONE OF YOUR 72 VIRGINS WOULD HAVE A MUCH BETTER PLAN OF ATTACK THAN "RANDOMLY FUCK AROUND IN A BIRD PARK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" RED DAWN

[Doppleganger]

these guys aren't terrorists, because terrorists can't be white

if they're not dressed like ninjas and live in the middle east, they're perfectly adjusted, god-fearing, freedom loving libertarian patriots

who probably think the New England Patriots are industrial devils

...

Also, I wonder if this occupation will have a similar end to the last one the FBI "put a stop to". I would hope not, but the FBI doesn't really seem to know how to handle these things well.

[deoxys]

I took a break from UPN for like, two months, seriously, between missing out on that 'Link' dude and now this, the fuck is going on?

[Mercutio]

Can we spoiler tag our giant caps lock posts? Come on.

[Jerichi]

Have people really forgotten the Reign of Terror that is Blastoise?

[Princess Ana]

Jeri have I forgotten something because even as popular as Mega Blastoise got I don't remember it being that omnipresent in comp to have a "Reign of Terror".

:p

[Heather]

Originally Posted by Emi

Jeri have I forgotten something because even as popular as Mega Blastoise got I don't remember it being that omnipresent in comp to have a "Reign of Terror".

:p

Because people don't know the amazing that is DPulse MegaStoise

[Shuckle]

Originally Posted by Mercutio

Can we spoiler tag our giant caps lock posts? Come on.

Spoiler: show

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME YOU LITTLE BITCH? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY SEALS AND I'VE BEEN INVOLVED IN NUMEROUS SECRET RAIDS ON AL-QAEDA AND I HAVE OVER 300 CONFIRMED KILLS. I AM TRAINED IN GORILLA WARFARE AND I'M THE TOP SNIPER IN THE ENTIRE US ARMED FORCES. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT JUST ANOTHER TARGET. I WILL WIPE YOU THE FUCK OUT WITH PRECISION THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE ON THIS EARTH, MARK MY FUCKING WORDS. YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING THAT SHIT TO ME OVER THE INTERNET? THINK AGAIN, FUCKER. AS WE SPEAK I AM CONTACTING MY SECRET NETWORK OF SPIES ACROSS THE USA AND YOUR IP IS BEING TRACED RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER PREPARE FOR THE STORM, MAGGOT. THE STORM THAT WIPES OUT THE PATHETIC LITTLE THING YOU CALL YOUR LIFE. YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, KID. I CAN BE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, AND I CAN KILL YOU IN OVER SEVEN HUNDRED WAYS, AND THAT'S JUST WITH MY BARE HANDS. NOBODY IS GOING TO READ THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY BUT ALL OF MY HOTTEST FETISHES INVOLVE SHUCKLE. NOT ONLY AM I EXTENSIVELY TRAINED IN UNARMED COMBAT, BUT I HAVE ACCESS TO THE ENTIRE ARSENAL OF THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS AND I WILL USE IT TO ITS FULL EXTENT TO WIPE YOUR MISERABLE ASS OFF THE FACE OF THE CONTINENT YOU LITTLE SHIT. IF ONLY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT UNHOLY RETRIBUTION YOUR LITTLE "CLEVER" COMMENT WAS ABOUT TO BRING DOWN UPON YOU MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE HELD YOUR FUCKING TONGUE. BUT YOU COULDN'T, YOU DIDN'T, AND NOW YOU'RE PAYING THE PRICE YOU GODDAMN IDIOT. I WILL SHIT FURY ALL OVER YOU AND YOU WILL DROWN IN IT. YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, KIDDO.

[Blastoise]

Originally Posted by Doppleganger

Also, I wonder if this occupation will have a similar end to the last one the FBI "put a stop to". I would hope not, but the FBI doesn't really seem to know how to handle these things well.

It sounds like it's going out with a whimper, since Bundy and some others were picked up on the highway off the refuge. Apparently the other occupiers have been told to get the fuck out, and with their spiritual liege in custody who knows how many of them are going to suddenly decide that going out like the narrator of the Turner Diaries no longer seems like such an awesome idea.

Personally I was hoping to keep this thread going with more snarky CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL bullshit, but that was deep-sixed by the relative scarcity of news involved when a bunch of SovCit morons try to restore power to WE THE PEOPLE in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere using a scheme so harebrained that even Team Rocket would snub it. Also because I couldn't possibly have written anything more ridiculous than some of the shit that went down:

(Trigger warning: oh god why)

Spoiler: show

A fat white man impotently screaming for the government to take his bullshit temper tantrum seriously: if this isn't the "Raising the Flag On Iwo Jima" moment of this whole shitshow I don't what is.

[Doppleganger]

You didn't even have to jerk the joystick for any last droplets of comedy, it was still sprinkling hard for these redneck guys.

I mean, they're occupying the compound and know the Feds are around, so they decide to drive 70 miles in the middle of the night...for what, beer? Let alone wanting Congress to turn back the clock to 1776, did they actually think it was 1776 and that George Washington's FBI agents were enjoying their Christmas Eve in bed? I wouldn't be surprised, since it was the Hessians who were butchered in their sleep by the colonials (while said Hessians being religious enough to actually observe the holiday).

Belly dancing before Congress is a great way to get your message across. The thing is, you also need to stand on a carpet and have some mad stunt singers for them to buy your "whole new world" pitch.

[Blastoise]

Originally Posted by Doppleganger

I mean, they're occupying the compound and know the Feds are around, so they decide to drive 70 miles in the middle of the night...for what, beer? Let alone wanting Congress to turn back the clock to 1776, did they actually think it was 1776 and that George Washington's FBI agents were enjoying their Christmas Eve in bed? I wouldn't be surprised, since it was the Hessians who were butchered in their sleep by the colonials (while said Hessians being religious enough to actually observe the holiday).

-They were going to a public meeting to teach WE THE PEOPLE to throw off the chains of oppression, apparently. Also, until this point there's been no police presence around the refuge so they were free to come and go as they pleased (along with receiving their shipments of dildos from fellow patriots). Apparently the Bundys decided that--having hung a "HARNEY COUNTY RESOURCE CENTER" sign over the wildlife refuge sign without the Feds obligingly rolling out the Bradleys for Waco 2.0--they were untouchable and that the FBI was going to eat out of their hands as commanded.

-Also it sounds like Tarp Guy was killed by the police during the shootout at the stop: predictably all the usual suspects are declaring that he was gunned down in cold blood despite this same guy being on record with multiple sources as saying that he would rather go out guns blazing than rot in a cell.

-In less humorous news, it sounds like Blaine Cooper (a guy who apparently changed his name to be the same as Jesse Ventura's character in Predator, which should probably tell you all that you need to know) is still at the refuge and has sworn to go down fighting. Which would be endearingly pathetic if there wasn't a good chance his young daughters were there with him.

[Blastoise]

I have to go to work now, but apparently the holdouts at the refuge are still streaming their Fuhrerbunker LARP:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zil8bInw3hs

[Blastoise]

• The Bundy Bunch who got picked up were charged today. Not much exciting news there since most of the information in the FBI's affidavit came from all the Youtube/Facebook self-fellation that was generated by this brave attempt to cast down the fascist pillars of the American panopticon. Hilariously Ammon is the only one who has forgone a public defender to hire his own attorney due to being the smartest remaining rat on the sinking ship.
  
  
• Speaking of sinking ship, most of the more prominent "IMMA DIE BEFORE THE FEDS TAKE MAH LAND FOR THE GAY ALBATROSSES" shitheels appear to have fucked off with their tails between their legs (apparently including "I changed my name after a character in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie" Blaine Cooper, proving Bill Mauldin's old quote about the "army" guys most spoiling for a fight being the biggest chickenshits in actual practice). The remaining holdouts have been running a livestream for most of the day to demonstrate their unshakable resolve, fear of aircraft and crippling inability to operate heavy machinery. Also a prime demonstration of the corrosive mix of the sunk cost fallacy and cognitive dissonance in action, as many of these guys are still talking about how they're going to/be "willing" to die even as it is clearly dawning on most of them that this is a completely retarded hill to go out on.
  
  
• Oh, and the Bundy Ranch's response to Ammon's request for the remaining holdouts to just walk away?
  
  Because when everyone already thinks you're a shithead, you may as well double down. Shockingly enough, this update was deleted from the Bundy Ranch Facebook page pretty quickly.