UPNetwork  

Go Back   UPNetwork > General Forums > Video Games

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-09-2019, 01:27 PM   #1
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
I'M MISTER E3SEEKS 2019 LOOK AT ME

BORKED

OKAY SO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VIDEO GAME CONVENTIONS AND TRADE SHOWS

I PROMISE I'M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS SO JUST SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND STOP POKING AT YOUR BUTTPLUGS

ANYWAY CONVENTIONS LIKE PAX ARE PREDOMINANTLY FAN-DRIVEN AFFAIRS: COMPANIES CAN AND DO HAWK THEIR WARES AND MAKE ANNOUNCEMENTS AT THESE BUT PREDOMINANTLY THE PURPOSE IS TO RUB ELBOWS WITH THE FANS AND AFFIRM THAT YOU MADE THE RIGHT CAREER DECISION GOING INTO AN INDUSTRY WHERE YOU WORK 80-HOUR WEEKS FOR MONTHS AT A TIME AND GET TREATED LIKE DOGSHIT WHEN YOU COULD WORK HALF THE TIME AND MAKE TWICE AS MUCH MONEY WRITING SPREADSHEET PROGRAMS

(NOTE: EVE ONLINE NOT INCLUDED IN THIS DEFINITION OF "SPREADSHEET PROGRAM")

SO WHEN YOU MEET [your favorite AAA dev] AT PAX OR COMICCON OR ONE OF THOSE WEIRD LOCAL ANIME CONVENTIONS WHERE THE HEADLINER GUEST IS A FANSUBBER FOR A THIRD-STRING HAREM HENTAI ANIME THEY'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SHOOT THE SHIT WITH YOU

TRADE SHOWS (E3 BUT ALSO THINGS LIKE GDC ET AL) AREN'T FOR FANWANK THEY'RE FOR BUSINESS AND THAT'S A PRETTY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION

THE BUSINESS ANGLE OF SHIT LIKE GDC IS PRETTY OBVIOUS (NETWORKING AND TRADING NOTES) BUT THERE'S A PRETTY SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF BACKROOM SHIT THAT GOES ON AT E3 THAT DOESN'T GET HOURS OF BREATHLESS PRESHOW COVERAGE FROM FACELESS INTERCHANGEABLE NOBODIES AT IGN

DEVELOPERS ARE LOOKING FOR PUBLISHERS

PUBLISHERS ARE LOOKING FOR DEVELOPERS

EVERYONE IS TRYING TO CONVINCE THE GUYS FROM WALMART THAT THEY NEED TO BUY A BILLION COPIES OF THEIR CALL OF APEX FORTNITE ESPORTS ROYALE EQUIVALENT FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON BUT THE WALMART GUYS ARE ALL TIRED AND PISSED BECAUSE WALMART'S CORPORATE IS SO PENNY PINCHING THEIR HOTEL ROOMS ARE UP IN FUCKING FRESNO

YEAH WE GET THE WEIRD DANCING PANDAS AND FECKLESS OVERPAID CORPORATE LUMPS IN THEIR BLAZER-GAMING SHIRT COMBOS TRYING TO PRETEND THEY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MORE THAN THEIR PAYCHECKS BUT ALL THAT ULTIMATELY REVOLVES AROUND AND IS IN SERVICE OF GETTING THAT CHEDDAR

SO IF YOU MEET SHIGERU MIYAMOTO AT E3 HE MIGHT RETURN YOUR HELLO POLITELY BUT FURTHER ENGAGEMENT WILL HAVE YOU DRAGGED AWAY BY HIS TREEHOUSE MINDERS BEFORE HE BEATS YOU TO DEATH WITH A TEA TABLE FOR DELAYING HIS MEETING WITH BEST BUY WHERE HE WILL ASSURE THE COMPANY THAT THE YAMAGUCHI-GUMI WILL HONOR ITS AGREEMENTS IF THEY HONOR THEIRS AND COMMIT TO A LARGE BUY OF SUPER MARIO ILLIAD

AND THAT BRINGS US TO E3 2019

SO AS SOMEONE OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THE EXISTENCE OF THE SOVIET UNION* AND WHEN YOU HAD TO ASK YOUR PARENTS TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET WITH A DEVICE THAT SCREAMED LIKE A CAT BEING CASTRATED WITHOUT ANESTHESIA E3 WAS TRULY THE GAMING EVENT OF THE YEAR WHEN YOU WOULD WAIT WITH BATED BREATH FOR YOUR GAMEPRO/NEXT GENERATION SUBSCRIPTION (HOLY FUCK I'M OLD) TO FIND OUT ABOUT ALL THE COOL SHIT YOU WOULD BE PLAYING WITHIN THE NEXT FISCAL YEAR AND LIKE ALL YOUNG NERDS I DREAMED OF ONE DAY GOING BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A TWELVE YEAR-OLD FROM THE SUBURBS YOU DON'T HAVE ACTUAL AMBITIONS UNLESS YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH

SO I WAS KIND OF SHOCKED WHEN E3 "DIED" FOR A COUPLE YEARS BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS A)HYPE AND B)SERVING ITS INTENDED PURPOSE

EXCEPT NOT REALLY

THIS SEEMS OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT CONVENTION FLOOR SPACE AND BOOTH DISPLAYS CRAFTED BY HOLLYWOOD PROP MAKERS AND BOOTH BABES ASPIRING TO BE ACTRESSES WHO STILL NEED TO MAKE RENT COSTS MONEY

AND FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY COMPANIES WANT TO ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF GAMESTOP NOT THE ATTENTION OF BILLY BUTTFUCK WHOSE FRIEND WORKS PART TIME AT A GAMESTOP

AND MOST CRITICALLY OF ALL CUTTING A VERTICAL SLICE OF YOUR GAME TO DEMO TAKES THE MAN-MONTHS OF SEVERAL DEVELOPERS AND ARTISTS WHICH ISN'T GOING INTO THE ACTUAL GAME ITSELF

YOU KNOW, THE SHIT THAT ACTUALLY MAKES GAME COMPANIES THEIR MONEY

SO E3'S FIRST DEATH CAME ABOUT BECAUSE IT BECAME TOO MUCH OF A CONVENTION AND NOT ENOUGH OF A TRADE SHOW WITH GAME COMPANIES DOING THE MATH AND REALIZING THAT THEY WERE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME AMUSING HOOTING DUMBFUCKS IMPRESSED BY CONSOLE PERFORMANCE NUMBERS GIVEN WITHOUT CONTEXT AND NOT ENOUGH TIME CONVINCING THE JOYLESS PRICKS IN THE WALTON FAMILY THAT THEY COULD MAKE EVEN MORE MONEY THAN THEY ALREADY HAVE OR WILL EVER NEED

(BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO BUY YOUR OWN PENCILS IF YOU WORK FOR THEM BECAUSE FUCK YOU)

HISTORY DOESN'T REPEAT BUT IT OFTEN RHYMES

SO IT'S PROBABLY NOT NEWS TO ANY OF YOU READING THIS THAT SONY DECIDED TO FUCK OFF THIS YEAR CLAIMING "changes in retailer procurement, their own switch to fewer but more quality titles, and the rapid spread of news via the Internet" AS THEIR RATIONALE BUT TO BE ABSOLUTELY FRANK EVERY CONSOLE MAKER HAS HAD ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR FOR SOME TIME WITH MICROSOFT HAVING THEIR OWN CONFERENCE A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE AND NINTENDO PRERECORDING THEIRS BECAUSE THEY'RE WEIRDLY JOYLESS ABOUT EMBRACING THE GIFFABLE 50 CLOWN-CAR PILEUP THAT IS THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF THE E3 PRESENTATION

THE DUMBFUCK BLOGGERS OF THE EARLY AUGHTS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY THE DUMBFUCK YOUTUBERS OF THE LATE 2010'S WITH MORE MISOGYNY AND RACISM

GOOGLE RELEASED MORE INFO ABOUT STADIA LAST WEEK AND IT'S NOT MUCH OF A GUESS THAT DATE WAS CHOSEN TO RIDE THE E3 HYPE TRAIN WITHOUT PAYING THE ESA THEIR MIDDLEMAN BLOOD MONEY

SO E3 SITS UNEASY ON ITS THRONE LIKE A SYPHILITIC KING OR A NOT PARTICULARLY BRIGHT PRESIDENT SURROUNDED BY COURTIERS WHO PAY IT LIP SERVICE WHILE SEEING IT MERELY AS A MEANS TO THEIR OWN PARTICULAR ENDS

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR THIS WEIRD NERD-CORPORATE ANACHRONISM BUT UNTIL THE END COMES I WILL BE AT MY POST, SHITPOSTING

AND ON THAT NOTE HERE'S THE PRESENTATION SCHEDULE I COPY-PASTED FROM GOOGLE I KNOW THAT E3 TECHNICALLY NOT-STARTED-STARTED YESTERDAY WITH EA BUT THE BEST THEY APPARENTLY HAD WAS A THIRD-STRING UNCHARTED WITH A STAR WARS SKIN ON IT SO LOL

Quote:
Microsoft: Sunday, June 9 - 4:00 PM ET

Bethesda: Sunday, June 9 - 8:30 PM ET

Devolver Digital: Sunday, June 9 - 10:00 PM ET

PC Gaming Show: Monday, June 10 - 1:00 PM ET

Ubisoft: Monday, June 10 - 4:00 PM ET

Square Enix: Monday, June 10 - 9:00 PM ET

Nintendo Direct: Tuesday, June 11 - 12 PM ET
SEE YOU DOG-BOTHERERS IN TWO HOURS


*
Spoiler: show
I REMEMBER MY FIRST GRADE TEACHER EXPLAINING THAT THE MAPS OF ASIA WEREN'T CORRECT BUT NOT EXPLAINING WHY SO THAT BASICALLY COUNTS
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 01:29 PM   #2
Lady Kuno
The hostess with the mostess
 
Lady Kuno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 226,319
LOUD NOISES
__________________
JUST NUKE THE FUCKING SUN
Lady Kuno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 01:32 PM   #3
Crys
Woah Bro
 
Crys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 1,269
NICE AVATAR

LETS SEE IF MICROSOFT'S PRESENTATION IS BETTER THAN ITS WINDOWS 10 UPDATING
Crys is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 02:49 PM   #4
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
https://www.twitch.tv/xbox

ON IN 10 DICKNIBBLERS
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:00 PM   #5
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
MICROSOFT TEACHES COUNTING
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:02 PM   #6
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
GOOD THING WE DON'T LIVE IN A DYSTOPIAN FUTURE WHERE CORPORATIONS OWN EVERYTHING INCLUDING POLITICAL POWER RIGHT GUYS

*sigh*
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:04 PM   #7
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
OUTER WORLDS PICKING UP THE MOST IMPORTANT OPEN WORLD LESSONS FROM FALLOUT/ELDER SCROLLS

NPCS STARING DIRECTY AT YOU DEAD-EYED
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:05 PM   #8
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
JOINING MICROSOFT HAS GIVEN US A TREMENDOUS BOOST IN SEEING HOW DEEPLY WE COULD SELL OUR DIGNITY TO BECOME A KNOCKOFF HALO FACTORY
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:06 PM   #9
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
SO NINJA THEORY WENT FROM KNOCKOFF DNC TO KNOCKOFF ANARCHY REIGNS

UH OKAY
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:07 PM   #10
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
HERE'S A TRAILER FOR A GOOD GAME SERIES THAT I HAVEN'T PLAYED

LOOK ONE THOUSAND HOURS OF WARFRAME WON'T PLAY ITSELF
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:09 PM   #11
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
MINECRAFT DOOM

PRETTY SURE THIS ALREADY EXISTS AS A MOD
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:10 PM   #12
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
THIS IS WHAT BLIZZARD IS WORKING ON INSTEAD OF DIABLO IV SMDH
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib

Last edited by Blastoise; 06-09-2019 at 04:48 PM.
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:10 PM   #13
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
LIKE A PAINFUL GENITAL ITCH AND YOUR DATING PROSPECTS SO TOO PHIL SPENCER AND YOUR XBOX CONFERENCE
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:11 PM   #14
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
CAN'T YOU FUCKUP WEIRDOS STAN KOREAN POP STARS LIKE NORMAL OBSESSIVES INSTEAD OF THE MOST GENERIC WHITE GUY PRATTLING THE MOST GENERIC CORPORATESPEAK PABLUM
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:13 PM   #15
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
GAMES AND GAMERS TOGETHER NOW HAVE THE SHEER MAGNITUDE TO BE A UNIFYING FORCE WITH HEATED GAMING MOMENTS INVOLVING MINORITIES AND/OR WOMEN
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:14 PM   #16
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
WE'RE GOING TO EMPOWER YOU TO PLAY WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU WANT BY BEING THE MIDDLEMEN TAKING OUR CUT IN EVERY PLACE WE CAN GET OUR TENTACLES

GAMING IS FOR YOU TO GET YOUR HIT AND FOR YOU TO PAY US TO GET IT
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:15 PM   #17
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
NEW CONSOLE INFO

PACK IT UP EVERYBODY THIS YEAR'S E3 DISCUSSION IS ALREADY GOING TO BE INSUFFERABLE
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:16 PM   #18
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
THIS LOOKS GOOD IF YOU IGNORE THE GAMEPLAY FOOTAGE FROM YESTERDAY I GUESS
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:16 PM   #19
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
"NO WE ARE NOT DOING THAT AGAIN"

EVERYBODY TAKE A DRINK
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:18 PM   #20
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
IF YOUR DOG TRIES TO LEAD YOU INTO A GAPING HELLMOUTH OF ELDRITCH HORROR YOU SHOULD CUT YOUR LOSSES AND LET THE DEVIL HAVE HIM

I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD OF A BOY HE IS
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:19 PM   #21
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
OH AND IT'S BLAIR WITCH BRANDED IN 2019 SO GO OFF I GUESS
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:24 PM   #22
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
CYBERPUNK HAS DRIFTED FROM ITS ANTI-CORPORATE/POWER ETHOS AND BECOME MERELY CYBERNETIC NEON AESTHETIC DIVORCED OF ANY DEEPER ANALYSIS OF THE DEHUMANIZING EFFECTS OF TECHNOLOGY BEREFT OF ANY COHERENT GUIDING MORAL FRAMEWORK

ANYWAY HERE'S KEANU REEVES AND A TRAILER WITH ALL THE BAD WORDS BEEPED OUT
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib

Last edited by Blastoise; 06-10-2019 at 01:11 AM. Reason: I HAVE LOTS OF WORDS LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING I HAVE THE BEST WORDS
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:25 PM   #23
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
ALSO KEANU THIS SYNOPSIS IS ALL VERY NICE BUT THIS IS LITERALLY EVERY CYBERPUNK STORY EVER
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:27 PM   #24
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
AND NOW HERE'S A CARTOON MIDDLE SCHOOLER HANGING OUT WITH FURRIES

CAN YOU HAVE LUDONARRATIVE DISSONANCE IN AN E3 PRESENTATION
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2019, 03:28 PM   #25
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
Blastoise's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,932
JUST BECAUSE BATTLETOADS BECAME A MEME DOESN'T MEAN IT SHOULD EVER HAVE COME BACK

NO I'M NOT SALTY ABOUT NEVER GETTING PAST THE SECOND STAGE IN THE GAME BOY GAME WHY DO YOU ASK
__________________
"It does not matter anymore. We cannot change the past. The future will have to do."
-Windham Khatib

Last edited by Blastoise; 06-09-2019 at 04:53 PM.
Blastoise is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Lower Navigation
Go Back   UPNetwork > General Forums > Video Games


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:08 PM.


Design By: Miner Skinz.com
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.