06-14-2015, 05:18 PM | #1 |
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E3 2015: HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE VIDEO GAMES IF YOU WON'T EVEN EAT THEIR POOP
CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER
RYU IN SUPER SMASH BROTHERS MASS HYSTERIA WELL AS FAR AS I'M AWARE THINGS HAVE BEEN RATHER QUIET ON THE E3 RUMOR FRONT THIS YEAR AND IN GENERAL THAT MEANS ONE OF TWO THINGS 1. THE COMPANIES HAVE KEPT A TIGHT LID ON THEIR BUSINESS IN ORDER TO BEST SURPRISE AND DELIGHT US AT GAMING'S LARGEST COLLECTIVE CIRCLE JERK 2. AIN'T GONNA GET SHIT SON THREE GUESSES WHICH ONE IS MORE LIKELY ALTHOUGH THE FACT THAT SEVERAL THIRD PARTIES ARE BEING GIANT PARTY POOPERS BY ANNOUNCING THEIR FALLOUT 4S AND XCOMS AHEAD OF THE SHOW PROBABLY DOESN'T HELP OH AND I GUESS THERE WILL BE A BUNCH OF VIRTUAL REALITY BULLSHIT THAT WILL BE HYPED SUPER HARD AS DEVELOPERS TRY DESPERATELY TO FIND THE NEXT BIG THING THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE BUY IN ONLY TO DIE ON THE VINE AS THEY REALIZE THAT EXPENSIVE UNWIELDY HEADSETS ARE GOING TO BE ABOUT AS POPULAR AS THEY WERE 10-20 YEARS AGO AND THAT SOCIETY IS NOT YET READY FOR ITS GHOST IN THE SHELL HYPER-CONNECTED CYBER DYSTOPIA SO ANYWAY I GUESS A BASIC RUNDOWN OF THE BIG THREE IS IN ORDER SONY SONY HAS BASICALLY ADMITTED THAT THEY DON'T HAVE JACK SHIT TO SHOW THIS YEAR BUT HEY WE MIGHT GET A HIGHLY SCRIPTED UNCHARTED 4 SET PIECE WHICH WILL BE LIKE EVERY OTHER HIGHLY SCRIPTED SET PIECE ON DISPLAY THIS YEAR SO YAY ALSO ACCORDING TO THE GUARDIAN WE MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE THE LAST GUARDIAN THIS WEEK IN SONY'S CONTINUING EFFORTS TO MAKE DUKE NUKEM FOREVER FEEL GOOD ABOUT ITSELF MICROSOFT SO I GUESS HOLOLENS IS A THING BUT GIVEN THAT THIS IS MICROSOFT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THEY WILL PROBABLY SQUANDER THEIR TECHNOLOGICAL LEAD AS IT DISAPPEARS INTO DEVELOPMENT HELL FOR YEARS ONLY TO LATER EMERGE LIKE THE BABY BIRD THAT GETS PUSHED OUT OF THE NEST BY ITS SIBLINGS AFTER APPLE AND GOOGLE RELEASE THEIR OWN SUPERIOR VERSIONS AND IF THE ABOVE DOESN'T HAPPEN IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE THE 360 LOOK LIKE A PARAGON OF ROBUST DESIGN OH AND MICROSOFT WILL CONTINUE TO SEEK ITS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE VENGEANCE AGAINST BUNGIE BY LETTING 343 CONTINUE TO DRIVE HALO INTO THE FUCKING GROUND NINTENDO DRIVEN BY THE FURY OF HIS PREMATURE DEMISE THE VENGEFUL SPIRIT OF GUNPEI YOKOI CONTINUES TO HAUNT NINTENDO, WITH EVEN THE DEATH OF HIROSHI YAMAUCHI INSUFFICIENT TO SLAKE HIS BLOODLUST IN RESPONSE NINTENDO IS DOING YET ANOTHER SET OF DIGITAL CONFERENCES THIS YEAR IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT IT MIGHT FINALLY CONVINCE YOKOI'S SPIRIT TO LEAVE THE WII U ALONE OH AND THERE'S SOME STUPID NINTENDO WORLD CHAMPION BULLSHIT THEY RESURRECTED FROM THE EARLY 90'S GOING ON ABOUT NOW FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD OF TWITCH "BUT ETERNAL SECRETARY" I HEAR SOME OF YOU SAY "WHAT ABOUT THE THIRD PARTIES AND WILL YOU PLEASE LET MY GRANDMOTHER OUT OF THE DEATH CAMP?" UBISOFT WILL SHOW OFF ANOTHER ASSASSIN'S CREED THAT PLAYS LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, BUT IN ENGLAND ALL THE CHARACTERS WILL SPEAK WITH FRENCH ACCENTS EA EA WILL TAKE THE SLAM DUNK CONCEPT OF A MULTIPLAYER SHOOTER WHERE YOU RELIVE THE GREATEST BATTLES IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE AND SOMEHOW FUCK IT UP BETHESDA PEOPLE WILL BITCH ABOUT FALLOUT 4'S GRAPHICS, EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT MODS TO IMPROVE THE GRAPHICS AND/OR TO TURN ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS INTO BIG-TITTED CATGIRLS WILL BE AVAILABLE THREE DAYS AFTER RELEASE YOUR GRANDMA FUCK HER AND FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR FAMILY FOR THE NEXT THREE GENERATIONS SPEAKING OF BETHESDA, WHILE I DON'T TYPICALLY DO THIRD PARTY PRESENTATIONS (THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH OF MY LIFE I WANT TO SPEND SCREAMING AT INFOMERCIALS) THEY'RE DOING THEIR BULLSHIT AT 7 PM TODAY SO JOIN ME ON TWITCH SO THAT WE CAN ALL COLLECTIVELY BITCH ABOUT HOW BETHESDA ARE HACKS: http://www.twitch.tv/bethesda AS ALWAYS EVEN THE ETERNAL SECRETARY'S DAYS AREN'T ALL AMERICAN MOVIES AND COERCED SEXUAL DALLIANCES WITH HAND-PICKED KOREAN CONCUBINES SO ANY OF THE MORNING/EARLY AFTERNOON CONFERENCES WILL BE DONE AFTER THE FACT (AND LIKELY SONY'S AS WELL) I WILL DO MY BEST TO NOT SPOIL MYSELF SO THAT MY REACTIONS ARE RAW AND FILLED WITH FOUR LETTER WORDS LIKE YOU HAVE COME TO EXPECT BUT IF WAITING FOR MY TAKE IS TOO MUCH OF AN ISSUE FOR YOU JUST GO READ ABOUT THE LATEST REVEALS ON GAMESPOT YOU FIZZY BUBBLES MOUTH BREATHER SEE YOU FAGGOTS AT 7 PM
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06-14-2015, 07:30 PM | #2 |
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MICROSOFT CAN STOP SUCKING THIS TIME AROUND BUT ONLY IF THEY CAN LEARN FROM THE KINECT'S TOTAL FAILURE AND STOP TRYING TO FORCE CONSUMERS TO PAY FOR THINGS THEY DON'T WANT. AND SURPRISINGLY IN THIS CASE IT WASN'T THE KINECT BEINGSHOVED UP THE USERS' ASSES, IT WAS THE XBOX ITSELF.
I WOULD PROBABLY BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE TO BUY A VR GIZMO IF IT WAS PRESENTED AS A VR GIZMO AND NOT "XBOX PLUS VR GIZMO." EVEN IF THE ONLY GAMES AVAILABLE ARE JUST BOOGIE 11 AND KINECTIMALS 2: ELECTRIC ZOOGALOO, I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE THE TIME ON BLACK FRIDAY TO WRAP MY SWEATY MITTS AROUND THIS DEVICE AND BOWL OVER A DOZEN MIDDLE AGED WOMEN IN A VIOLENT RACE TO THE KMART CHECKOUT COUNTER. THE CHANCE EXISTS THAT IN THE NEAR FUTURE I WILL BE ABLE TO CONJURE UP A DIGITAL AMPUTEE PROSTITUTE TO FIST AND IT IS BETTER TO BE IN ON THIS TECHNOLOGY SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. HOWEVER, DUE TO MICROSOFT'S MONEY-GRUBBING NATURE, I WON'T BE SURPRISED IF WE SEE A LOT OF X'S EVERYWHERE AND EVENTUALLY DECIDE THAT VR IS FUCKING STUPID ANYWAY. EDIT: APPARENTLY SOME FUCKWADS THINK THIS POST DOESN'T SUCK ENOUGH DICK SO I MODIFIED IT TO BE JUST AS STUPID AS ALL OF YOU
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Last edited by Shuckle; 06-14-2015 at 08:26 PM. |
06-14-2015, 09:02 PM | #3 |
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ONE MINUTE TO BETHESDA
ENJOY PEOPLE DISCUSSING RUMORS ABOUT FALLOUT BEFORE A PRESENTATION WHERE THEY WILL PROBABLY DISCUSS FALLOUT
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06-14-2015, 09:05 PM | #4 |
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PEOPLE WONDER HOW THEY ARE GOING TO HONOR THE LEGACY OF DOOM
THEY'RE GOING TO HONOR IT BY MAKING IT SERIOUS SAM
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06-14-2015, 09:06 PM | #5 |
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THEY ALSO HAVE THE REALLY FUCKING DUMB SKELETON WITH GUNS DESIGN FROM THE LAST ONE
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06-14-2015, 09:08 PM | #6 |
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LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE ONE POOR-SELLING GAME AWAY FROM A PINK SLIP
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06-14-2015, 09:10 PM | #7 |
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IS THIS MOTHER FUCKER GOING TO FUS ROH DAH THE AUDIENCE
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06-14-2015, 09:11 PM | #8 |
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THAT VIDEO GETS ME A LITTLE CHOKED UP BECAUSE I KNOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LAY OFF HALF OF THEM IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS
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06-14-2015, 09:12 PM | #9 |
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FUN GAME: TRY TO FIND SOMEONE IN THE FIRST ROW OF THE AUDIENCE WHO HAS A BMI BELOW 35
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06-14-2015, 09:13 PM | #10 |
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WE HAVE THE BEST FANS IN THE WORLD
BECAUSE THEY MOD OURS INTO PLAYABILITY BOOSH
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06-14-2015, 09:13 PM | #11 |
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A SMALL COMPANY NAMED ID MADE A LITTLE GAME CALLED DOOM
AND JOHN ROMERO'S LUSCIOUS MANE GAINED SENTIENCE AND EGO
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06-14-2015, 09:14 PM | #12 |
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DOOM IS A SPECIAL PART OF EACH OF OUR GAMING HISTORIES
LIKE HOW WE GOT TO THE END AND YOU WERE PROMPTED TO PAY FOR PART TWO AND WE WERE ALL "FUCK THAT SHIT"
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06-14-2015, 09:17 PM | #13 |
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THERE IS NO DOOM COMIC NARRATIVE DURING THIS
WASTED OPPORTUNITY
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06-14-2015, 09:18 PM | #14 |
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IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THE BEST AVAILABLE WEAPON WAS USED ON AN 1800'S STAGECOACH
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06-14-2015, 09:19 PM | #15 |
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SOME PEOPLE WONDER WHY SATAN WOULD STUFF HIS MINIONS WITH HEALTH KITS AND AMMO LIKE FUCKING PINATAS
SATAN LIKES A GOOD MELEE QTE KILL AS MUCH AS THE NEXT CYBERDEMON
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06-14-2015, 09:21 PM | #16 |
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SOMEBODY CHEERED AT RIPPING A CORPSE'S ARM OFF
I THINK I KNOW WHO'S ON THE GOVERNMENT WATCH LIST
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06-14-2015, 09:22 PM | #17 |
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1. CHAINSAWS REALLY AREN'T PRACTICAL MELEE WEAPONS IRL
2. WHY DID IT TAKE ME A COUPLE DECADES TO WONDER WHY THEY HAVE CHAINSAWS ON MARS
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06-14-2015, 09:23 PM | #18 |
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AND WE END WITH THE SHITTY GUN SKELETON
SIGH
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06-14-2015, 09:24 PM | #19 |
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LET'S TALK ABOUT SHIT NOBODY CARES ABOUT
LIKE DOOM MULTIPLAYER ON THE OTHER HAND IT MIGHT BE THE ONLY FPS RELEASED IN THE LAST FEW YEARS THAT DOESN'T HAVE KILLSTREAK BONUS BULLSHIT SO I GUESS THERE'S THAT
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06-14-2015, 09:24 PM | #20 |
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WE ARE GOING TO PUSH THIS SHITTY GUN SKELETON UNTIL YOU LIKE IT
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06-14-2015, 09:26 PM | #21 |
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DEMONS. NAZI ZOMBIES. SAME DIFFERENCE.
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06-14-2015, 09:27 PM | #22 |
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WHAT IF PEOPLE COULD CREATE MODES LIMITED ONLY BY YOUR IMAGINATION
LIKE TEAM DEATHMATCH OR WAVE-BASED SURVIVAL MODES LOOK AT ME CREATE THESE FUCKAWESOME BARRELS
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06-14-2015, 09:28 PM | #23 |
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WHO KNEW THERE WAS A HELL
AND IN NEW JERSEY
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Not your typical Songun dance Last edited by Kim Jong Illest; 06-14-2015 at 10:32 PM. Reason: EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER |
06-14-2015, 09:29 PM | #24 |
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BACK IN MY DAY WE CHANGED OUR WEAPONS WITH THE 1-0 KEYS LIKE REAL MEN
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06-14-2015, 09:31 PM | #25 |
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EVERYTHING WAS COOL UNTIL SHITTY GUN SKELETON SHOWED UP
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