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Old 06-10-2013, 01:10 AM   #1
Blue Pinsir
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E3 2013: THE DICKENING

THAT'S RIGHT SEMEN SOMMELIERS IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN E3 2013 IS UPON US AND EVERYBODY'S GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME

LIKE A STABLE FULL OF CLYDESDALES WHEN YOUR MOTHER SHOWS UP WITH SOME BOX WINE AND A CRATE FULL OF KY JELLY

AS WE APPROACH THE FOURTH GENERATION OF THE CONSOLE WARS* IT'S TIME FOR SONY AND MICROSOFT TO PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND SHOW US WHO THE REAL MAN IS WHILE WE TRY NOT TO LAUGH AT THEIR TINY PENISES AND NINTENDO TRIES TO CONVINCE US THAT NOT PULLING DOWN THEIR PANTS IS IN FACT A SIGN OF THEIR MASSIVE MANDINGO JUNK

SO LET'S REVIEW THE CURRENT STATUS OF THE CONSOLE WARS GOING INTO E3 FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T DEDICATE YOUR MISBEGOTTEN LIVES TO THE FATE OF FACELESS MULTINATIONAL CONGLOMERATES

-NINTENDO HAS PUSSIED OUT DECIDED TO NOT LOWER ITSELF TO THE PERFORMING FOR THE CROWD LIKE SO MANY BADLY-ABUSED CIRCUS ELEPHANTS THAT EVENTUALLY BREAK LOOSE CAUSING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF DAMAGE BEFORE BEING PUT DOWN ON THE EVENING NEWS AND WILL BE DOING SOME RANDOM STREAM BULLSHIT INSTEAD I DON'T KNOW

THIS IS NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM MEANT TO BE A TACIT ADMISSION THAT THE WII U LAUNCH HAS BEEN WHAT IS POPULARLY DESCRIBED AS A "COMPLETELY FUCKING FUCKTROCIOUS COCKUP OF EPIC PROPORTIONS THAT HAS BECOME THE MAGINOT LINE OF OUR TIME"

-IN AN EFFORT TO MAINTAIN THE COSMIC BALANCE IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES MICROSOFT HAS WORKED DILIGENTLY TO ENSURE THAT THE "THIRD CONSOLE CURSE" ENDURES BY MAKING THE MOST PANTS-ON-HEAD-RETARDED PR MOVES IMAGINABLE

WITH A REVEAL THAT SPENT 45 MINUTES TALKING ABOUT HOW THEIR STATE OF THE ART CONSOLE WOULD FOLLOW GOOGLE TV INTO PERFIDY (WHICH WAS ALSO COMPLETELY STAGED, NATCH) AND A DRM SCHEME THAT WAS CONCOCTED BY PEOPLE WHO WOULD SELL THEIR OWN CHILDREN INTO SEX SLAVERY IF THEY THOUGHT FOR EVEN A MOMENT THAT THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH IT THE XBONE HAS ENTERED A PERCEPTION RUT THAT NO AMOUNT OF CODOGS COULD PULL OUT ON A SLED IN THE ALASKAN WILDERNESS WHICH IS ALSO OVERRUN BY THE NORTH KOREANS BECAUSE RED DAWN IS THE NEW NORMANDY OR SOMETHING

WHERE WAS I

OH YEAH

IN AN ATTEMPT TO CONVINCE US THAT THEY'RE NOT COMPLETELY FUCKING UP ON PURPOSE MICROSOFT HAS STATED THAT THIS E3 CONFERENCE WILL BE ALL ABOUT THE GAMES AND WILL SHOW A BEVY OF BRAND NEW IPS INCLUDING "MURDER THESE FUCKS BECAUSE THEY'RE RUSSIAN AND/OR BROWN" AND "KINECT YELL AT RACIST CHILDREN ON XBOX LIVE"

-FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MANY YEARS (AND BADLY CONFUSING A MARKETING DEPARTMENT THAT ONLY KNOWS HOW TO OPERATE UNDER PR CIRCUMSTANCES SIMILAR TO THAT OF THE GOVERNMENT OF SYRIA) SONY COMES INTO E3 AS THE ONE TO BEAT

WE'RE HONESTLY AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE

WITH A POWERHOUSE CONSOLE AND GOOD VIBRATIONS FROM THE INITIAL REVEAL EARLIER THIS YEAR THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS "WILL SONY SOMEHOW MANAGE TO STEAL DEFEAT FROM THE CLAWS OF THE GIANT ENEMY CRAB OF VICTORY"

Spoiler: show
YES


AND JUST SO I DON'T HAVE TO READ A BUNCH OF "HAVE THEY SHOWN THE LAST GUARDIAN YET" POSTS NO IT'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE AT THIS E3 EITHER BECAUSE MUCH LIKE THE LICH KING THERE MUST ALWAYS BE A DUKE NUKEM FOREVER THAT WILL BE RELEASED TEN YEARS LATE TO CRIPPLING DISAPPOINTMENT

AS ALWAYS I WILL BE YOUR MC DROPPING TRUTH BOMBS ON THE HOMES OF ASTROTURFERS AND PR SCHILLS THUS ENSURING DECADES OF ETHNIC STRIFE AND TIT-FOR-TAT VIOLENCE THAT WILL ONLY END IN NUCLEAR FIRE

AS WAS THE CASE LAST YEAR SONY ACTUALLY RESPECTS PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING AND WILL BE DOING THEIR FAILED EUROPEAN FILM MAJOR PRODUCTION AT 6 PM PST

AFTERWARDS (PROBABLY AROUND 8 PM PST GIVEN SONY'S PROPENSITY TO FUCK AROUND WITH TAIKO DRUMMERS AND REPLICA SWEET TOOTH VANS AND OTHER DUMB SHIT) I'LL TRY TO TAKE ON A RECORDING OF THE MICROSOFT CONFERENCE BECAUSE 12 HOURS LATE IS BETTER THAN NEVER NO MATTER WHAT THE MALPRACTICE LAWSUIT SAYS

ASSUMING ANY SHRED OF GOODWILL REMAINS I WILL TAKE ON OTHER CONFERENCES AT MY DISCRETION GIVEN THAT NINTENDO RAN AWAY LIKE A BITCH NINNY IS NOT DOING A TRADITIONAL PRESENTATION LEAVING A GAPING HOLE IN MY FEEDING TUBE OF PR BULLSHIT THAT ONLY EA DROPPING TROUGH COULD POSSIBLY HOPE TO FILL

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS GO SEARCH FOR THE PREVIOUS YEAR'S THREADS OR DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE NUANCE OF AN ALL-CAPS THREAD TO YOU DICK JOCKEYS

*
Spoiler: show
BY EA'S RECKONING

THEY'VE DECIDED THAT THEY'RE MEASURING BY THE FIRST "3D" CONSOLES OR WHATEVER THE FUCK (THAT'S THE SATURN/PS1/N64 ERA FOR THE CRIMINALLY UNDERAGED)

LOOK IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM GO FUCKING BITCH TO THEM ABOUT IT
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Old 06-10-2013, 08:14 AM   #2
Amras.MG
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OH WHEW YOU PLAYED THIS ONE SO CLOSE TO THE CHEST THE DOCTOR COULDN'T TELL IF IT WAS AN INCOMING STORM OR BREAST CANCER

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Old 06-10-2013, 08:53 AM   #3
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ALL CAPS THREAD MG, WHAT PART OF ALL CAPS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND
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Old 06-10-2013, 09:55 AM   #4
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IF YOU ARE ABLE PLEASE RIP EA A NEW ONE

E3 SCHEDULE
Spoiler: show



HOW SONY WILL WIN E3

Spoiler: show


AND ONE MORE IMAGE

Spoiler: show


T-MINUS 90 MINUTES UNTIL MICROSOFT'S DAMAGE CONTROL 2013 CONFERENCE FOLLOWING THEIR BIGGEST (X)BONER OF ALL TIME
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Old 06-10-2013, 09:56 AM   #5
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BITCH PLEASE
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Old 06-10-2013, 11:04 AM   #6
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SPIKE RANKING GAMES VIA HOW MANY MENTIONS ON SOCIAL MEDIA THEY GET

CALL OF DUTY GHOSTS IS NUMBER ONE

BRACE YOURSELVES WE'RE IN FOR A SHITTY FEW DAYS
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Old 06-10-2013, 12:51 PM   #7
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HEY MICROSOFT WAY TO SHOW OFF HOW TOTALLY SHITTY GIRLS ARE AT FIGHTING GAMES AND THEN SAY THINGS "ITS OK, JUST LET IT HAPPEN, IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON"
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Old 06-10-2013, 12:51 PM   #8
Hanatori
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Jumpluff

ON AN ENTIRELY UNRELATED NOTE I WAS READING DEO'S COVERAGE OF THE PS4 ANNOUNCEMENT AND AS A NON-GAMER I WAS WONDERING

IS THERE A SMALL INDUSTRY'S WORTH OF PEOPLE MAKING GIF/IMAGE EDITS WITH THE HEADS OF IMPORTANT VIDYA PEOPLE (SEE: PHOOPES' "ONE MORE IMAGE")
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Old 06-10-2013, 12:56 PM   #9
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"WE HAVE A GAME FROM A TALENTED INDIE PRODUCER"

[FIVE SECOND CLIP]
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:10 PM   #10
phoopes
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WITH ALL THAT MONEY YOU THINK THEY'D BE ABLE TO GET THEIR SHIT TO WORK
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:29 PM   #11
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A POOR EMPLOYEE JUST GOT FIRED SOMEWHERE

"SHOW OFF GAMEPLAY FOR OUR STEALTH GAME"

*GETS DETECTED*

*DIES*
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:30 PM   #12
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So, Xbone is $499 and Ł420.

We have to pay more than $150 more over here.
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:32 PM   #13
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WELL THAT WAS SOMETHING
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:35 PM   #14
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ALSO I WANTED TO SHARE MY BEAUTIFUL CREATION WITH EVERYONE

http://i.imgur.com/lcKoqEd.png
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:14 PM   #15
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TAKE A SHOT...

EVERY TIME THE CLOUD IS MENTIONED
WHEN SPIKE CHECKS THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA RANKINGS
"(GAME) ONLY FOR (SYSTEM)"
A GAME IS DESCRIBED AS "REVOLUTIONARY"
"BUILT FROM THE GROUND UP"
ANY BULLSHIT BUZZWORD
EVERY QUICK TIME EVENT SHOWN DURING GAMEPLAY

TAKE TWO SHOTS...

WHEN THE XBOX ONE IS REFERRED TO AS "THE BOX"
ENGRISH

FINISH YOUR DRINK...

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES DURING A PRESENTATION
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:33 PM   #16
Concept
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poke_Hunter View Post
So, Xbone is $499 and Ł420.

We have to pay more than $150 more over here.
THIS SHIT HAPPENS EVERYTIME IT'S BECAUSE EVERYONE HATES THE UK.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:51 PM   #17
Lady Kuno
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WELCOME TO E3 WHERE WE SHOW OFF NEW CARS
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JUST NUKE THE FUCKING SUN


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Old 06-10-2013, 02:53 PM   #18
Lady Kuno
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THE LEGEND OF XBONE: THE LAST DRIVATAR
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JUST NUKE THE FUCKING SUN


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Old 06-10-2013, 03:05 PM   #19
phoopes
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IF THERE'S ANY MORE DUBSTEP AND EPILEPSY INDUCING LIGHT SHOWS AT THE EA CONFERENCE HEADS WILL ROLL
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Old 06-10-2013, 03:08 PM   #20
phoopes
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WOMAN PLAYING THE HEALER CLASS

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING
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Old 06-10-2013, 03:43 PM   #21
Sneaze
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JUMPING IN A LITTLE LATE AND BOY DID I TIME IT WELL

SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORTS
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Old 06-10-2013, 04:46 PM   #22
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JUMPING IN LATE IN THE GAME TO SAY

JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:02 PM   #23
phoopes
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WE MOVE FROM FANCY CARS TO FANCY GUITARS

PRIORITIES
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:08 PM   #24
Lady Kuno
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GIRLWOOD IS A FANCY TERM FOR A LADYBONER
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:13 PM   #25
phoopes
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ON A COMPLETELY SERIOUS NOTE I FUCKING HATE THIS LADY
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