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Old 12-12-2012, 02:33 AM   #1
Blastoise
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PLANETSIDE GODDAMN 2

I'M A COUPLE WEEKS LATE BUT OH WELL EAT SHIT

IN THE FAR FUTURE (THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE DARK AND GRIM) THERE IS ONLY WAR BETWEEN THREE FACTIONS OF FUCKHEADS IN DIFFERENT-COLORED SPANDEX FIGHTING OVER THE FATE OF AURAXIS ANYWAY IT'S A LONG STORY BUT THE SHORT VERSION IS THAT THE HUMAN SETTLERS BASICALLY DISCOVERED REBIRTHING TECHNOLOGY FROM THE TECHNOLOGICAL REMNANTS OF THE PLANET'S EXTINCT ALIEN RACE SO NOW EVERYONE HAS GOT THEIR CONSEQUENCE-FREE MURDER BONERS ON

IT IT UP TO YOU TO CHOOSE THE COLOR OF SPANDEX THAT WILL POORLY CONCEAL YOUR RAGING HATE HARD ON AND THE THREE FACTIONS ARE THEREFORE DISCUSSED FORTHWITH


THE TERRAN REPUBLIC

RED AND BLACK

THE TERRANS ARE THE LOYAL REMNANTS OF THE EARTH'S MAYBE-TOTALITARIAN-FASCIST-MAYBE-NOT GOVERNMENT WHO ARE TRYING TO RESTORE ORDER BEFORE THE WORMHOLE TO EARTH OPENS AGAIN AND EVERYBODY GETS ULTRA FUCKED BY THE GOVERNMENT COMING DOWN ON EVERYONE ON AURAXIS LIKE IT WAS FUTURE WACO

ANYWAY THE TERRAN REPUBLIC'S THING IS GUNS THAT SHOOT LOTS OF BULLETS

YEAH, THAT'S BASICALLY IT

LOOK DICKWIPE YOU COULD BE BACK IN PLANETSIDE 1 WHERE ALL TR-SPECIFIC VEHICLES REQUIRED MORE PEOPLE TO CREW FOR NO REAL GODDAMN REASON WHATSOEVER SO BE GRATEFUL YOU FASCIST PRICK


NEW CONGLOMERATE

BLUE AND YELLOW

THE FACTION OF CHOICE FOR 13 YEAR-OLD ADD SUFFERERS IN PLANETSIDE 1, IN PLANETSIDE 2 THE NEW CONGLOMERATE IS A FACTION OF FREEDOM FIGHTERS WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE USEFUL IDIOTS OF THE SPACE KOCH BROTHERS

SERIOUSLY

ANYWAY THE NEW CONGLOMERATE LIKES BIG GUNS BIG WOMEN AND SHOTGUN RHINOPLASTIES AND IF THAT DOESN'T SOUND APPEALING YOU PROBABLY WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR AND WENT TO COLLEGE YOU INSUFFERABLE DICK JOCKEY


VANU SOVEREIGNTY

PURPLE AND TEAL

AKA THE FACTION FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO PLAY WITH SCI-FI SHIT IN A SCI-FI SETTING THE VANU'S THING IS LASER RIFLES, LASER SHOTGUNS, LASER SNIPER RIFLES, AND LASER LASERS (IN PS1 THEIR MELEE WEAPON GLOWED WHICH WAS PERFECT FOR ALERTING EVERY ENEMY IN THE VICINITY THAT YOU WERE CLOAKED NEARBY AND WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO GET LIKE A MILLION BULLETS IN THE FACE)

ALSO A HOVERTANK THAT PEOPLE JOKINGLY CALL THE "MAGMOWER" BECAUSE ITS HOVERY SCI-FI BULLSHIT OFTENTIMES MAKES IT MORE CONVENIENT TO JUST RUN A MOTHERFUCKER OVER RATHER THAN ACTUALLY SHOOTING HIM

(PS YOUR AVERAGE MAGRIDER PILOT WILL ALSO RUN OVER PRETTY MUCH EVERY FRIENDLY SOLDIER IN A 3-KM RADIUS IN HIS MAD RUSH TO DRIVE CLOSER SO THAT HE CAN HIT THE ENEMY WITH HIS BUMPER)

OH YEAH THE FACTION ALSO EXALTS THE EXTINCT ALIEN RACE ON AURAXIS BELIEVING THAT THEIR TECHNOLOGY IS THE KEY TO THE HUMAN SINGULARITY WHILE CAREFULLY AVOIDING MINOR QUESTIONS OF DOGMA SUCH AS "IF THE ALIENS WERE SO SMART HOW COME THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD"

ONCE YOU'VE CHOSEN YOUR FACTION OF IDIOT MALCONTENTS IT'S TIME TO

FIGHT FOR AURAXIS

SO THERE ARE SOME BASES AND SHIT

AND YOUR ENEMIES WANT THEM

THAT MEANS YOU WANT THEM MORE DICKCHEESE

THERE ARE CURRENTLY THREE CONTINENTS ACCESSIBLE ON AURAXIS AND BY CONTINENTS I MEAN CONTINENTS

AS IN IF YOU TRIED TO WALK FROM ONE END OF THE OTHER IT WOULD TAKE YOU A LONG ASS TIME

OKAY MAYBE NOT "CONTINENTS" MAYBE MORE "LARGEISH ISLANDS" BUT THE POINT REMAINS THAT THERE'S COOL SHIT THAT EVERYONE WANTS AND YOU WANT IT MORE SO YOU'RE GOING TO KILL EVERYONE STANDING IN YOUR WAY (AND PROBABLY A FEW FRIENDLIES WHO RUN IN FRONT OF YOUR TURRET, SERIOUSLY STOP RUNNING INTO CHOKEPOINTS LIKE GODDAMN LEMMINGS YOU FUCKWITS)

BUT OF COURSE YOU DON'T JUST FIGHT FOR THE GLORY OF THE FOURTH REICH/THE KOCH BROTHERS/SKIN-TIGHT LATEX AROUND YOUR ASS, YOU FIGHT FOR PHAT LEWTS

OH FUCK THIS IS AN F2P MMO ISN'T IT IT IS GODDAMNIT

YOU MAY NOTICE THAT IN THE COURSE OF YOUR INTERGALATIC CONQUESTS THAT YOU RECEIVE WHAT ARE COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS "CERTIFICATIONS"

THESE "CERTIFICATIONS" ARE REWARDED TO YOU FOR COMPLETING SUCH COMPLEX TASKS AS
-SHOOTING SOME GUY IN THE FACE
-SHOOTING A LOT OF GUYS IN THE FACE
-COROLLARY THAT AREN'T WEARING THE SAME COLORS AS YOU
-BEING IN THE GENERAL VICINITY OF A BASE CAPTURED BY OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT YOU WERE TOO MUCH OF A RITALIN-ADDLED DIPSHIT TO STOP CHASING THAT ONE LIGHTNING IN CIRCLES AND GET ON POINT STUPID

ANYWAY ONCE YOU HAVE ACQUIRED ENOUGH CERTS YOU CAN TRADE THEM IN FOR PERKS SUCH AS NEW WEAPONS AND GEAR, ALL OF WHICH WILL COST YOU A UNICORN'S SOUL BECAUSE THIS IS AN F2P MMO AND IT'S NOT LOVE IF IT DOESN'T HURT

(GOD HELP YOU IF YOU WANT TO USE A MAX SUIT, BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO THE WEAPONS COST THREE UNICORN SOULS THEY'RE ALSO SPECIFIC TO ONLY ONE ARM ON THE SUIT

PS GOD HELP YOU MORE IF YOU INVESTED IN AA WEAPONS ON YOUR MAX ENJOY YOUR IMPOTENCY AS YOU UNLOAD FULL CLIPS FROM BOTH ARMS INTO A GODDAMN LIBERATOR AND YOUR ONLY ACHIEVEMENT IS BASICALLY PISSING IT OFF)

ALSO SCOPES AND SHIT THAT YOU BUY FOR A GUN CAN ONLY BE USED FOR THE PARTICULAR GUN YOU BOUGHT THEM FOR, BECAUSE F2P, LOL HIGHLY TECHINCAL REASONS A DIPSHIT SURGILE JACKHAMMER TARD LIKE YOU WOULD NEVER BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND

OF COURSE IF GRINDING LIKE A CHINESE GOLD FARMER ISN'T YOUR THING YOU CAN ALSO CHOOSE TO BUY WEAPONS WITH IRL MONEY, REASONABLY PRICED AT $5-$7 EACH

ALSO BECAUSE NO ONE AT SONY EVER WATCHED THAT VALVE SLIDE SHOW ABOUT QUICKLY CONVEYING INFORMATION ABOUT A CHARACTER AT A GLANCE YOU CAN ALSO USE YOUR IRL MONEY TO UNLOCK A LARGE VARIETY OF COSMETIC ITEMS AND COLORS THAT WILL CAUSE YOUR ERSTWHILE ALLIES TO MISTAKE YOU FOR A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE FACTION AND KILL YOU

ALSO FUCKING HOOD ORNAMENTS, BECAUSE EVERY F2P MMO NEEDS A SUBTLE WAY TO TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN SENSE

SOUNDS AWESOME DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS, WHERE DO I SIGN UP TO KILL MANS

DOWNLOAD THE CLIENT AND CREATE A SONY ACCOUNT WHILE THEY'RE STILL SOLVENT I GUESS

I PLAY VS ON CONNERY

THIS SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN AS AN INDICATION THAT I AM INTERESTED IN GETTING RUN OVER BY YOUR MAGRIDER SERIOUSLY YOU'RE BR FUCKING 30 HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE YET
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Last edited by Blastoise; 12-12-2012 at 02:40 AM. Reason: EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER
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Old 12-12-2012, 05:21 AM   #2
deoxys
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I GOT INVITED TO THE BETA AGES AGO AND IGNORED IT

WHAT IN THE NAME OF WILLY HOWARD TAFT'S GREAT TUB CHOKING BOTTOM HAVE I BEEN MISSING OUT ON
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:19 PM   #3
Blastoise
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deoxys View Post
I GOT INVITED TO THE BETA AGES AGO AND IGNORED IT

WHAT IN THE NAME OF WILLY HOWARD TAFT'S GREAT TUB CHOKING BOTTOM HAVE I BEEN MISSING OUT ON
HONESTLY I THINK IT'S PRETTY ALRIGHT

IT DOES WHAT THE ORIGINAL PLANETSIDE DID PRETTY WELL WHICH WAS GIVE YOU A FEELING OF SCOPE THAT'S OFTEN MISSING FROM OTHER FPS GAMES WHERE YOU MURDER PEOPLE TO CONTROL A BOX CANYON OR A BOX CANYON FULL OF BOXES

ALSO THE CERT SYSTEM, WHILE F2P WANK GIVES YOU A BIT MORE FLEXIBILITY MOMENT TO MOMENT SINCE YOU CAN CHOOSE A "CLASS" LOADOUT ON SPAWN RATHER THAN BEING STUCK TO ONE PARTICULAR BUILD ALA PLANETSIDE 1 WHERE CERTS WERE MORE LIKE TALENT POINTS SO WHILE YOU WON'T NECESSARILY BE UBER AWESOME IN ANYTHING IF YOU SPREAD YOUR CERTS AROUND YOU WON'T BE AN OVERGLORIFIED BULLET CATCHER FOR REXOSHIELDS IN BASE COMBAT JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE SPENDING YOUR CERTS ON VEHICLES EITHER

MY BIGGEST CONCERNS RIGHT NOW ARE THE FACT THAT WEAPONS ARE EXPENSIVE AS FUCK TO GRIND THE HARD WAY AND THAT THE PLANETSIDE DEV TEAM HAS ALWAYS HAD A TENUOUS GRASP OF THE CONCEPT OF BALANCE

"WE THINK THAT TR HAS THE WORST STUFF OVERALL BUT THEY'RE DOMINATING ON EVERY SERVER SO CLEARLY OUR ASSUMPTIONS CANNOT BE WRONG AND EVERY TR PLAYER IS UBER AND EVERY NC/VS IS SUXXOR"

YES SOMEBODY ON THE FUCKING DEV TEAM BASICALLY SAID THIS

ALSO AS A NEW PLAYER THE GAME BASICALLY GOES "HAVE FUN" AND KICKS YOU RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE OF A FIREFIGHT WITH NO CONTEXT AS TO WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING TO CAP BASES SO THAT CAN BE DISORIENTING UNLESS YOU SPEND AN HOUR TROLLING THE WIKI FIRST
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Last edited by Blastoise; 12-12-2012 at 08:23 PM.
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