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Old 03-12-2016, 02:05 PM   #151
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I'm so happy that I just discovered this thread, this is the first season I've ever watched the Bachelor, I love you Jeri
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Old 03-19-2016, 10:54 AM   #152
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ALRIGHT BIZNITCHES THIS IS IT

THE SEASON FINALE

I.E. THE EPISODE THAT CAN BASICALLY BE BOILED DOWN TO THE LAST 5 MINUTES

ARE YOU TEAM LAUREN OR TEAM JOJO?

OH MY GOD THIS IS THREE HOURS NO THANKS WE ARE SKIPPING ALL OF THE SHITTY INBETWEEN PARTS WHERE CHRIS HARRISON TALKS ABOUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IMPORTANT
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Old 03-19-2016, 10:58 AM   #153
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#THEBACHELORFINALE

THEY GO THROUGH THIS WHOLE DEAL WHERE THEY REFLECT LISTLESSLY ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MAN

BEN CONTINUES TO REGRET BREACHING CONTRACT TWICE

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY POLYAMORY OR SOMETHING BECAUSE CLEARLY THIS ISN'T WORKING TOO WELL

MAN POLYAMOROUS BACHELOR WOULD BE SO MUCH LESS PAINFUL

BUT ALSO PROBABLY WORSE
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Old 03-19-2016, 11:08 AM   #154
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OH MAN I FORGOT ABOUT THE PART WHERE HE INTRODUCES THE GIRLS TO HIS FAMILY THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY OTHER INTERESTING PART OF THE FINALE BECAUSE OF HOW AWKWARD IT IS

FLIGHT ATTENDANT IS FIRST TO BAT

HIS MOTHER FINDS HIM BEING IN LOVE WITH TWO WOMEN "DISTURBING"

WELL THIS WILL END SUPER WELL I'M SURE

LOL LAUREN SAID SHE WANTED TO MEET HIS PARENTS IN LIKE EPISODE ONE

MAN LAUREN IS SUPER BORING I SERIOUSLY FORGET HOW BORING SHE IS BECAUSE SHE BASICALLY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING EVER BUT MAN SHE IS SO BORING

UM LAUREN HAS A REALLY AWKWARD CONVERSATION WITH HIS MOM ABOUT HAVING FIGHTS WITH BEN

MAN MARRIAGE-RELATED CONVERSATIONS ARE PRETTY MUCH THE WORST THING

WELL THAT WAS SORT OF UNEVENTFUL BASICALLY NO ONE CAN FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE SAID THAT HE LOVES TWO WOMEN

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE THE PART WHERE THEY GO ON SUPER BORING DATES IN SOME EXOTIC LOCALE
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Old 03-19-2016, 11:15 AM   #155
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NOW FOR JOJO

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT JOJO SHE IS OKAY I SUPPOSE AND SHE IS PROBABLY MORE INTERESTING THAN LAUREN

SHE BROUGHT A REALLY ODD BOUQUET OF LILIES IN A CONCH

BEN HAS TO EXPLAIN HOW HE LIKES JOJO TO HIS PARENTS THIS IS WEIRD AND FEELS STRANGELY SCRIPTED

I WANT THIS TO END PLEASE

OKAY THEY SEEM LIKE A MUCH MORE SOLID COUPLE THAN BEN AND LAUREN THEN LAUREN IS JUST SORT OF BLAH

AWWW THEY FEEL SAFE TOGETHER

OKAY I CAME INTO THIS THINKING THAT JOJO WAS THE RUNNER-UP BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THEY ARE ACTUALLY THE ONES WITH A DECENT SHOT AT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

AND IT DEFINITELY SEEMS THAT THE 'RENTS PREFER HER

ALRIGHT THE BACHELOR I WAS NOT CONVINCED THIS WAS GOING TO BE WORTH WATCHING BUT YOU HAVE CONVINCED ME NOW
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Old 03-19-2016, 11:20 AM   #156
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THE PARENTS ARE NOT HELPFUL IN HIM MAKING HIS DECISION

C'MON FRIENDS HAVE SOME OPINIONS YOU ARE PARENTS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO JUDGE HARSHLY EVERYONE YOUR SON DATES

THIS IS PRECIOUS THOUGH NGL HIS PARENTS ARE REALLY CUTE AND REALLY LOVE HIM

HUH INTERESTING I JUST NOTICED THAT LIKE THE LAST HOUR OF THIS SHOW HAS NO COMMERCIALS
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Old 03-19-2016, 11:27 AM   #157
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ALRIGHT LET'S PLEASE MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES

I GUESS THIS IS THE LAST TWO ONE-ON-ONES

SO LAUREN IS UP FIRST AND THEY'RE MAKING OUT ON A CATAMARAN

BEN IS REALIZING THAT LAUREN AND HIS RELATIONSHIP IS KIND OF BORING AND NOT SUPER REALISTIC

WOMP WOMP TOO BAD LAUREN
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Old 03-19-2016, 11:35 AM   #158
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WELL LAUREN REALIZES THAT IT'S OVER

PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY INTERESTING THING THAT HAPPENED DURING THAT SEGMENT
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Old 03-19-2016, 11:54 AM   #159
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NOW FOR JOJO

THEY HAVE A REALLY NORMAL RELATIONSHIP IT'S NICE

THEY GO ON A SWIMMING DATE (SADLY NO AWKWARD ERECTIONS)

THEY HAVE A REALLY AWKWARD MOMENT WHERE JOJO CONFRONTS HIM ABOUT THE SITUATION

OH MAN THEY CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AND JOJO GRILLS HIM ABOUT WHY HE'S CONCERNED ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP AND HE'S LIKE "UMMMMMMMMMM IDK LOL"

MAN THIS IS TANKING FAST THOUGH BEN TRIES TO SAVE IT

HE SAYS SHE'S HIS BEST FRIEND

WELL YEAH SORRY LAUREN IDK ABOUT THIS I THINK JOJO'S GOT IT LOCKED

JOJO WANTS HIM TO TELL HER THAT IT'S HER BUT

SORRY LOL HE ALREADY BREACHED CONTRACT TWICE THIS SEASON IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN

UH OH THEY GO INTO THE BATHROOM

SORRY FRIENDS THAT SHIT IS BUGGED

WE GET TO HEAR YET ANOTHER AWKWARD CONVERSATION WHERE JOJO FORCES HIM TO CONFESS THAT HE SAID HE LOVES LAUREN

MAN THIS IS LIKE A FUCKING MOVIE WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

AWWW MAN JOJO FEELS SICK OF HAVING TO COMPETE WITH OTHERS I FEEL YA GIRL I FEEL YA
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Old 03-19-2016, 11:57 AM   #160
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NEXT IS THE RING ADVERTISEMENT PORTION OF THE SHOW

WE SKIP THIS NEXT

ALRIGHT MES AMIES IT'S TIME FOR THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

...AFTER SKIPPING MORE OF CHRIS HARRISON BLABBERING
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Old 03-19-2016, 12:05 PM   #161
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OUTFIT RATINGS TIME

JOJO IS WEARING A PINK AND WHITE LACY DRESS WITH SOME SORT OF COMPLEX INTERLOCKING PAISLEY AND IS LOOKING PRETTY BANGIN (THOUGH SHE LOOKS BANGIN IN MOST THINGS TBH)

8/10

(SIDENOTE: MAN I REALLY LOVE WHERE THEY DO THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY THING THEY'RE ALWAYS PRETTY AMAZING I KNOW I GIVE THE PRODUCERS A LOT OF SHIT FOR A LOT OF THINGS BUT THEY ARE PRETTY DAMN GOOD AT LOCATION SCOUTING EVEN IF I AM CONVINCED THEY ARE ALL KIND OF SECRETLY EVIL)

Spoiler: show
OH SHIT OHHHHHH SHIT I AM EATING MY WORDS RIGHT NOW

WHATTTTTTTTTT LAUREN IS SO BORING WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

UGH BOOOOOO WHATEVER

THIS IS ALSO THE WORST FUCKING WAY TO END THIS I'M SORRY THIS IS ANTICLIMAX THEY SHOULD KEEP THEM FROM LETTING ONE OF THEM GO BEFORE THE OTHER SHOWS

I AM SO BLINDSIDED

REALITY TELEVISION YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME
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Old 03-19-2016, 12:11 PM   #162
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Spoiler: show
YEAH I BET YOU'RE REGRETTING YOUR DECISION RIGHT NOW MAN

UH FUCK YOU MAN FUCK YOU

WELL WHATEVER FINE BLAH HE CALLS HER DAD AND SHIT AND YEAH WHATEVER

LAUREN WINS THIS SHOW SUCKS
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Old 03-19-2016, 12:12 PM   #163
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LAUREN LOOKS LIKE A HOT MESS I HATE HER 0/10
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Old 03-19-2016, 04:48 PM   #164
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I'm crying. Genuinely crying tears of beautiful laughter.
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Old 01-07-2017, 07:47 PM   #165
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HEY DUDES AND DUDETTES

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

TIME FOR THE WORST BEST OKAYEST SHOW ON TELEVISION

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE REALITY SHOW TRAINWRECK

THE BACHELOR

THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS ANOTHER SLEW OF DESPERATE LADIES HAVE GATHERED IN THE SAME PLACE TO THROW THEMSELVES AT THE SAME GUY FOR 3 MONTHS STRAIGHT PURELY FOR OUR SCHADENFRUEDERY ENJOYMENT

I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE BUSY WITH A COMBINATION OF WORK AND GIVING THE PEOPLE OF WF WHAT THEY WANT THIS WEEKEND SO I HAVE NOT GOTTEN AROUND TO WATCHING THE FIRST EPISODE, BUT IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG WITH ME, I PLAN ON WATCHING THE FIRST EPISODE AROUND 11 AM EST TOMORROW MORNING (THAT'S SUNDAY THE 8TH OF JAN). I WILL TRY MY BEST TO START ON TIME IF YOU WISH TO WATCH ALONG. IT SHOULD BE AVAILABLE ON HULU AND HOPEFULLY YOUR COMMERCIALS WILL LARGELY SYNCH UP WITH MINE BUT IF NOT YOU CAN AT LEAST GET A PICTURE FOR WHAT THE VARIOUS LADIES ARE LIKE

EITHER WAY SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR

HOT

BACHELOR

ACTION!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-08-2017, 10:44 AM   #166
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ALRIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS

POP THOSE CORNS

CARBONATE THOSE SUGAR DRINKS

BECAUSE WE ARE ABOUT TO START

BEFORE WE GET INTO THE NITTY GRITTY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT OUR ELIGIBLE HUNK

Spoiler: show


THIS IS NICK VIALL

HE'S APPARENTLY ALREADY PRETTY CONTROVERSIAL BECAUSE HE SLEPT WITH SOMEONE AND IT WAS BAD AND PEOPLE THINK HE SUCKS???

IDK I DON'T WATCH THE BACHELORETTE SO

I DON'T REALLY THINK HE'S THAT ATTRACTIVE HE LOOKS KIND OF SLIMY BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT WOMEN WANT WHO KNOWS AT THIS POINT IT'S ALL A GIGANTIC MARKETING SCAM SO

ALSO HE'S BEEN REJECTED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION NO FEWER THAN 3 TIMES LOL

C'MON ABC EXECS I FEEL LIKE AFTER THE FIRST FEW TRIES FLUNK YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T DOUBLE DOWN ON WHAT IS CLEARLY A BAD DECISION

THERE IS A REASON HE GETS REJECTED REPEATEDLY

LET HIM GO ROT IN A BAR LIKE ALL THE OTHER DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WORLD DON'T KEEP THROWING REALITY TELEVISION "LOVE" CONTESTS AT HIM


IN ANY CASE THE MAIN EVENT WILL BEGIN IN APPROXIMATELY 15 MINUTES

GIRD YOUR LOINS FRIENDS
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Old 01-08-2017, 10:54 AM   #167
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OH OKAY SO BEFORE WE START BRIEF RECAP OF HOW THIS WORKS

ABC GATHERS TOGETHER ALL OF THE MOST DESPERATE WHITE SINGLE LADIES (WITH A FEW NON-WHITE ONES THROWN IN TO MAKE THEM SEEM LIKE THEY'RE NOT RACIST EVEN IF ALL THE NON-WHITE ONES LAST LIKE 3 SHOWS AT BEST) AND STICKS THEM ALL IN A HOUSE TOGETHER

THEY PICK A REASONABLY ATTRACTIVE BUT STILL RELATEABLE SINGLE EXTREME NARCISSIST MAN (NOW FROM THEIR STABLE OF BACHELORETTE REJECTS) AAND TELL THE THRONGS OF DESPERATE LADIES THAT THEY SHOULD TRY TO FALL IN LOVE FOR HIM FOR RATINGS

EACH WEEK THE GUY TAKES 2 OF THEM ON "DATES" AND TAKES THE REST ON WHAT ULTIMATELY AMOUNTS TO TOTALLY UNROMATIC DAY TRIPS THAT SEEM MORE APPROPRIATE FOR A SOCCER MOM AND HER NUCLEAR FAMILY (I.E. THE "GROUP DATE")

EACH "DATE" HAS A ROSE AT STAKE - ROSES ARE BASICALLY IMMUNITY TALISMANS THAT ALLOW YOU TO STAY AROUND ANOTHER WEEK

IF YOU DON'T GET A ROSE ON THE ONE ON ONE, YOU'RE GOING HOME. IF YOU DON'T GET A ROSE ON THE GROUP DATES, YOU GET TO ACT LIKE A GIGANTIC JEALOUSY MONSTER (ESPECIALLY IF THE OBLIGATORY CRAZY THE PRODUCERS PLANTED GETS IT YOU CAN SCORE EXTRA JEALOUSY POINTS FOR THAT)

AT THE END OF THE WEEK THERE IS A "COCKTAIL PARTY" (WHICH IS BASICALLY JUST A LAST DITCH ATTEMPT FOR GIRLS WHO HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN TO TRY TO ACT LIKE THEY'RE STILL RELEVANT) WHICH LEADS UP TO THE "ROSE CEREMONY" WHERE ANYONE WITHOUT AN IMMUNITY TALISMAN IS PLACED ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK

IN THE "CEREMONY" THE HUNKY BACHELOR HANDS OUT IMMUNITY TALISMANS TO ALL BUT LIKE 2-3 OF THE LADIES (IT IS WORTH NOTING THAT THE EDITORS ARE SCHEMING AGAINST US DURING THIS PORTION BECAUSE THE NUMBER OF ROSES ON HIS TABLE DEFINITELY CHANGES RANDOMLY BETWEEN SHOTS)

EVERYONE WITHOUT THE TALISMAN GETS KICKED OUT ONCE THEY'RE ALL GONE

AND THEN WE DO THE WHOLE THING AGAIN NEXT WEEK

THERE'S ALSO THE HOMETOWN DATES (WHICH ARE PROBABLY THE BEST PART WHERE EVERYONE'S FAMILY DRAMA GETS THROWN HEADLONG INTO THE SPOTLIGHT) THE "FANTASY SUITE" DATES (AKA THE BONE ZONE) AND THE FINAL EPISODE (WHICH IS BASICALLY AN HOUR AND A HALF OF RIGMAROLE LEADING UP TO THE FINAL DRAMATIC CLIMAX ENDING)

DON'T WORRY IT'S ALL PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD
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Old 01-08-2017, 11:06 AM   #168
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THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR

DRAMA

ACTION

TIGHT PANTS

IT'S UNLIKE ANYTHING WE'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE APPARENTLY

LOOKS PRETTY SAMEY TO ME

HE'S ALSO SUPPOSED TO BE A BADBOY

WE OPEN WITH SOME ~*~QUIRKY BLOOPERS~*~

OH AND OF COURSE THE OBLIGATORY SHIRTLESS WORKOUT MONTAGE

AND THE GRATUITOUS SHOWER SHOT

HE WAS ON THE SEASON OF THE BACHELOR WITH THE GIRL FROM ATLANTA

HE'S ALSO ~QUIRKY~ AND MUMBLES AND LEANS ON HIS HAND AND TALKS TOO MUCH

~SOOOOO QUIRKY~

AND HE'S SENSITIVE AND HAD HIS HEART BROKEN

OMG AND HE ALSO GOT HIS HEART BROKEN BY THE AWFUL CANADIAN GIRL (YOU'LL REMEMBER HER FROM LAST SEASON AS ONE OF THE TOP 4)

HIS FAMILY IS FOR SOME REASON STILL ON BOARD WITH THIS (LIKE DOES HE HAVE A JOB OR SOMETHING HE'S GIVEN UP TO DO THIS SHOW FOUR TIMES???)

HE HAS A PRECOCIOUS LITTLE SISTER OF COURSE GIVING HIM DATING ADVICE (SHE'S LIKE 15 THIS IS WEIRD)

ROSE HOLDING PROMO SHOTS (HE SUCKS AT THESE)

HAHAHAHA ONE OF THE GIRLS CALLS HIM A PIECE OF SHIT LOL

WELL NEXT UP IS THE REAL MEAT OF THE EPISODE - THE LADIES WHOO
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Old 01-08-2017, 11:11 AM   #169
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OMG ALL THE BACHELORS FROM THE LAST FEW SEASONS

SUPER BLOND GUY WITH QUIRKY WIFE

SUPER COUNTRY GUY

AND OUR FRIEND BEN FROM LAST SEASON

(NOTE THEY DID NOT PUT IN THE HOMOPHOBE)

THEY ALL TALK ABOUT HOW EVERYONE THINKS HE'S A TOOLBAG

(ALSO THESE GUYS ARE ALL STILL HOT SO THAT'S GOOD)

THEN THE TOOLBAG SHOWS UP

MAN THIS IS SUPER BORING I HOPE THEY DON'T DO THIS AGAIN I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID ADVICE

BRING OUT THE LADIES NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE GUYS
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Old 01-08-2017, 11:30 AM   #170
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AFTER A LITTLE MORE SHIRTLESSNESS, HERE COME THE LADIES

ALRIGHT FIRST LADY IS A BLACK LADY (WOW!)

NAME: RACHEL
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: ATTORNEY
HOMETOWN: DALLAS TX

SHE SEEMS OKAY AND SMART AND APPARENTLY LIKES TO SING AND VACUUM SHE SEEMS SANE BUT I DON'T EXPECT HER TO LAST MORE THAN ABOUT 3 WEEKS

NAME: DANIELLE
AGE: 27
OCCUPATION: NAIL SALON OWNER
HOMETOWN: LA, CA

SHE'S AN ENTREPRENEUR WHICH IS OKAY BUT MAN SHE SOUNDS VAPID

NAME: VANESSA
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: SPECIAL NEEDS TEACHER
HOMETOWN: MONTREAL

I LIKE HER SHE SPEAKS FRENCH AND ENGLISH AND ITALIAN AND TEACHES CUTE KIDS SHE SEEMS REASONABLE AND NICE AND I HOPE SHE'S NOT A WACKJOB

NAME: JOSEPHINE
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: NURSING STUDENT
HOMETOWN: SANTA CRUZ CA

THEY SPEND A SOLID 30 SECONDS HOLDING ON HER MEOWING AT HER CAT OH GOD SHE'S ~QUIRKY~

OH GOD NO PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

NAME: RAVEN
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: FASHION BOUTIQUE OWNER
HOMETOWN: HOXIE ARKANSAS

SHE IS PAINFULLY SOUTHERN (HER CLOTHES ARE OKAY THO)

NAME: CORRINE
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: BUSINESS OWNER
HOMETOWN: MIAMI FL

SHE HAS A NANNY???? GIRL YOU ARE A GODDAMNED ADULT (SHE IS ALSO A "SRS BUSINESS WOMAN") MAN IDK WHO YOU ARE BUT I THINK YOU ARE PROBABLY THE CRAZY

NAME: ALEXIS
AGE: WEIRD
OCCUPATION: ATTORNEY
HOMETOWN: SEACAUCUS N

OH MY GOD THIS GIRL IS EVEN QUIRKIER THAN THE LAST ONE SHE WALKS TO CVS IN A GROSS SUMO SUIT AND IS OBSESSED WITH DOLPHINS

OH GOD DOLPHIN CALLS

NAME: DANIELLE
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: NICU NURSE
HOMETOWN: NASHVILLE TN

REASONABLE AND WELL ADJUSTED

NAME: TAYLOR
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL
HOMETOWN: SEATTLE WA

MAN THEY ARE FLYING THROUGH THESE WOMEN THIS TIME (ALSO WEIRD SHE IS MY AGE)

I WOULD NOT TRUST SOMEONE MY AGE WITH MY MENTAL HEALTH SORRY

OH SHE'S ALSO BIRACIAL (BUT SHE DOES NOT LOOK IT SO SHE STANDS A CHANCE AT GOING PRETTY FAR [WANWANNN)

NAME: ELIZABETH
AGE: 29
OCCUPATION: DOULA???
HOMETOWN: LAS VEGAS NV

OH MAN SHE WAS THE MAID OF HONOR AT THE LAST BACHELORETTE'S WEDDING

AND OMG SHE SLEPT WITH THE BACHELOR LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

AND THEN TURNED HIM DOWN OLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOL

OMG DRAMA BOMBBBBBB THIS GON BE GUD FRIENDS

ALRIGHT NOW FOR THE GETTING OUT OF THE LIMO PART
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Old 01-08-2017, 11:55 AM   #171
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ALRIGHT NOW FOR THE REST OF THEM (AND A RECAP OF THE ONES WE JUST MET) BONUS POINTS IF YOU CAN PICK OUT THE CRAZIES

THIS TIME WE WILL ALSO BE JUDGING FASHION BECAUSE THAT IS AN EQUALLY FUN PART OF THIS FIRST EPISODE WARNING THERE ARE LIKE A BILLION RED BALLGOWNS

NUMBER ONE IS THE NAIL SALON LADY

NAME: DANIELLE
AGE: 27
OCCUPATION: NAIL SALON OWNER
HOMETOWN: LA, CA
DRESS: BLACK GOWN 7/10 EDIT: OMG THAT NECKLINE IS TO THE FLOOR NO THANKS 3/10

MEH SHE'S FINE

NAME: ELIZABETH
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: MARKETING MANAGER
HOMETOWN: DALLAS TX
DRESS: WHITE LACE 6/10

SHE IS SO COUNTRY OMG THAT TEXAS ACCENT IS PAINFUL

NAME: RACHEL
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: ATTORNEY
HOMETOWN: DALLAS TX
DRESS: RED BALLGOWN 9/10 (SHE ROCKS IT)

FIRST OF THE MANY RED DRESSES THOUGH SHE IS PROBABLY DOING THE BEST WITH THEM. SHE ALSO SEEMS REASONABLY SANE OH AND SHE PLAYS FANTASY FOOTBALL THAT'S... INTERESTING

NAME: CHRISTEN
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: WEDDING VIDEOGRAPHER
HOMETOWN: TULSA
DRESS: YELLOW SEQUINS 3/10

ICK THAT DRESS IS HORRENDOUS AND SHE DID A WEIRD GROSS FAN DANCE I HATE HER ALREADY

IS SHE DRUNK? I THINK SHE'S DRUNK

HE HATES HER TOO GOOD PLEASE LEAVE

NAME: TAYLOR
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: MENTAL HEALTH SOMETHING
HOMETOWN: SEATTLE
DRESS: BURGUNDY COCKTAIL DRESS 9/10

GIRL YOU ROCKIN THAT DRESS HARD OMG SHE'S PRECIOUS

AND THEN SHE CALLS HIM A PIECE OF SHIT

SIGH SO MUCH POTENTIAL OH WELL

NAME: KRISTINA
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: DENTAL HYGENIST
HOMETOWN: LEXINGTON, KY
DRESS: SPARKLY ROYAL BLUE (6/10)

SHE HAS AN ACCENT. LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN GET FROM THAT

NAME: ANGELA
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: MODEL
HOMETOWN: GREENVILLE SC
DRESS: WEIRD RED DRESS WITH THAT LITTLE BOOB WINDOW 4/10

FORGETTABLE

NAME: LAUREN
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: LAW SCHOOL GRADUATE
HOMETOWN: NAPLES FL
DRESS: SPARKLY SILVER PAISLEY DEAL 5/10

SHE'S 30 AND A "LAW SCHOOL GRADUATE"

OH HONEY

OMG HER LAST NAME IS HUSSIE POOR GIRL

NAME: MICHELLE
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: FOOD TRUCK OWNER
HOMETOWN: LA, CA
DRESS: CUTE BLUE DRESS 7/10

SHE'S NOT WHITE THAT'S COOL

NAME: DOMINIQUE
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: RESTAURANT SERVER
HOMETOWN: LA, CA (AGAIN? JEEZ GUYS TRY HARDER)
DRESS: PINKISH RED IDK IT'S OKAY 5/10

ANOTHER NON-WHITE PERSON AND THAT'S IT

NAME: IDA MARIE (REALLY)
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: SALES MANAGER
HOMETOWN: HARLINGTON, TX
DRESS: WEIRD LACY 2 PIECE BLUE DRESS 4/10

MAN SHE SEEMS BORING AS SHIT

UGH SHE MAKES HIM DO A TRUST FALL

NAME: OLIVIA
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: APPAREL SALES REP
HOMETOWN: ANCHORAGE AL (4 REALZIES)
DRESS: FUR COAT AND FANCY SPARKLY BLACK DRESS BEST ONE YET 10/10

OMG SHE'S FROM ALASKA AND SHE'S NOT WHITE

FAVORITE SO FAR

NAME: SARAH
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: GRADE SCHOOL TEACHER
HOMETOWN: NEWPORT BEACH CA
DRESS: PINK WEIRD COCKTAIL BALLGOWN IT'S UGLY 2/10

THIS ONE COMES RUNNING IN AND MAKES A RUNNER UP JOKE UGH

NOT A FAN

NAME: JASMINE G
AGE: 29
OCCUPATION: PRO BASKETBALL DANCER
HOMETOWN: SAN FRAN
DRESS: CORAL BLUE PARTY DRESS GURLLLL SHE'S ROCKIN IT HARD 9/10

ANOTHER NON-WHITE PERSON MAN THEY'RE DOIN OKAY IN THE DIVERSITY DEPARTMENT THIS YEAR

MAN OKAY SHE'S ADORABLE

SHE ALSO BROUGHT THE RING GUY AND TOLD HIM WHAT SHE WANTS THOUGH

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM


NAME: HAILEY (DUFF? SHE LOOKS LIKE HAILEY DUFF)
AGE: 23
OCCUPATION: PHOTOGRAPHER
HOMETOWN: VANCOUVER
DRESS: MEH RED DRESS 6/10

OH MY GOD SHE'S NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR PLEASE GO HOME NOW

NAME: ASTRID
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: PLASTIC SURGERY OFFICE MANAGER
HOMETOWN: TAMPA
DRESS: IT'S THE COLOR OF GRAPE SODA 4/10

SHE SPEAKS GERMAN THOUGH AND SAYS DIRTY THINGS TO HIM IDK I'M OKAY WITH HER SO FAR


NAME: LIZ
AGE: 29
OCCUPATION: DOULA???
HOMETOWN: SOMEWHERE
DRESS: SHE'S WEARING THE SAME DRESS AS THE ALASKAN GIRL AND IS NOT PULLING IT OFF AS WELL 6/10

UH OH THIS IS THE GIRL HE SLEPT WITH AND HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HER LOL

THIS IS TOTALLY A TRAP

SHE IS ACTING LIKE SHE'S INTO THIS THOUGH MAN

DRAMATIC REALIZATION MUSICCCCC

AND COMMERCIAL
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Old 01-08-2017, 12:29 PM   #172
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MAN THEY ARE POWERING THROUGH THE WOMEN THIS YEAR I AM STRUGGLING TO KEEP UP

WELL HE REALIZED THAT HE KNOWS THE GIRL HE SLEPT WITH CHRIS HARRISON ACTS ALL INNOCENT AS IF HE WEREN'T TOTALLY IN ON IT

NAME: CORINNE
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: BUSINESS OWNER (THIS IS NANNY GIRL)
HOMETOWN: MIAMI FL
DRESS: DEEP PURPLE FLOWY NUMBER PRETTY GREAT ACTUALLY 8/10

IT'S A SHAME HER DRESS IS SO NICE I THINK SHE'S A PRIME CANDIDATE FOR CRAZY

SHE EVEN SAYS THIS WILL BE CRAZY

SHE DOES GIVE HIM A HUG TOKEN WHICH IS CUTE THO


NAME: VANESSA
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: SPECIAL NEEDS TEACHER
HOMETOWN: MONTREAL
DRESS: STRANGE BLACK AND WHITE THING BUT SHE PULLS IT OFF OKAY 7/10

SHE BREAKS OUT THE FRENCH IMMEDIATELY AWW SHE'S CUTE I LOVE HER

HE LIKES HER TOO!!!

NAME: DANIELLE M
AGE: 31
OCCUPATION: NICU NURSE
HOMETOWN: NASHVILLE
DRESS: 2 PIECEY WINE COLORED DRESS IT'S OKAY 6/10

SHE BROUGHT HIM HOMEMADE MAPLE SYRUP OMG THIS IS PRETTY PRECIOUS

NAME: RAVEN
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: FASHION BOUTIQUE OWNER
HOMETOWN: HOXIE ARKANSAS
DRESS: FOR OWNING A FASHION BOUTIQUE HER DRESS IS AWFUL 2/10

MAN THAT ACCENT IS GOING TO BUG ME

SHE SHOWS HIM A WEIRD CHEER THAT THEY APPARENTLY DO UGH

NAME: JAIMI
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: CHEF
HOMETOWN: NOLA
DRESS: BLACK STRAPLESS COCKTAIL DRESS 7/10

ANOTHER NON-WHITE GIRL... AND SHE HAS A SEPTUM PIERCING AND MAKES A BALLS JOKE UMMMMM YEAH NOT SURE ABOUT HER

NAME: BRIANA
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: SURGICAL SOMETHING
HOMETOWN: SALT LAKE CITY
DRESS: WEIRD PURPLE SPARKLES 2/10

SHE LISTENS TO HIS HEART AND THEY START TO POWER THROUGH THE REST OF THEM

NAME: SUSANNAH
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: ACCOUNT MANAGER
HOMETOWN: SAN DIEGO CA
DRESS: RED TIGHT FITTING MEH 5/10

TWO WORDS: BEARD MASSAGE (ALSO NOT WHITE)

NAME: JOSEPHINE
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: NURSING STUDENT RN NOW?
HOMETOWN: SANTA CRUZ CA
DRESS: IT DOESN'T FIT HER 1/10

UGH SHE'S AWFUL SKIP

OH GOD SHE MAKES A PUN ON WINNER IN MY BOOK BUT PUTTING A HOTDOG IN A HOLLOWED OUT BOOK AND THEN MAKES HIM LADY AND THE TRAMP IT OH GOD WHY UGH WHYYYYYY

CRINGE
R
I
N
G
E

NAME: BRITTANY
AGE: 26
OCCUPATION: TRAVEL NURSE (INTERESTING)
HOMETOWN: SANTA MONICA (COOL IT WITH THE CALI GIRLS AIGHT)
DRESS: ANOTHER SHOCKER! A RED DRESS 5/10

SHE'S PUTTING ON A GLOVE AND MAKING HIM BEND OVER AND CUT

OOOOOKAAAAAAY

NAME: JASMINE B
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: FLIGHT ATTENDANT
HOMETOWN: TACOMA
DRESS: YOU GUESSED IT ANOTHER RED DRESS 3/10

NAME: WHITNEY
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: PILATES INSTRUCTOR
HOMETOWN: MONTANA SOMEWHERE
DRESS: OH MY GOD SO MANY GOD DAMNED RED DRESSES -10/10

NAME: LACEY
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: DIGITAL MARKETING MANAGER
HOMETOWN: NY, NY
DRESS: I JUST CAN'T EVEN ANYMORE

THIS GIRL RODE IN ON A CAMEL SO SHE COULD MAKE A HUMP JOKE

SO YEAH

AND SHE'S WEARING RED

GODDAMMIT


THIS NEXT GIRL IS WEARING A SHARK COSTUME

NAME: SHARKGIRL
AGE: SHARK
OCCUPATION: BEING A SHARK
HOMETOWN: SHARKVILLE
DRESS: SHARK SHARK/SHARK

OH IT'S THE FUCKING DOLPHIN GIRL TOO MAN SHE NEED TO LEAVE

UGH SHE MADE A DOLPHIN PUN

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SHE THINKS SHE'S A DOLPHIN

HONEY THAT IS DEFINITELY A SHARK COSTUME

YOU NEED SOME HELP

LIKE ACTUAL HELP

WHEN I SAY THE CRAZIES, I JUST MEAN LIKE A SUPER JEALOUS GIRL WITH INSECURITIES

NOT SOMEONE WHO HAS A LEGITIMATE MENTAL ILLNESS
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Old 01-08-2017, 12:40 PM   #173
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WELL THAT'S ALL OF THEM

I ONLY REALLY LIKE 3 OF THEM SO FAR SO LIKE THE CASTING IS NOT SO GREAT BUT A+ ON THE DIVERSITY THIS TIME I GUESS

MORE DRAMA WITH THE GIRL HE SLEPT WITH (ALSO WTF IS A DOULA???)

MAN IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD NOT TO BE LOOKING OUT ON A SEA OF WHITE LADIES

REFRESHING THOUGH

BIG HEARTFELT SPEECH AND WHATEVER C'MON LET'S GET TO THE CATFIGHTING

THE LAWYER GETS THE FIRST CHAT SHE'S ACTUALLY PRETTY CHARMING OKAY YEAH I REALLY LIKE HER IM NOT GONNA LIE

OMG HE HAS 10 SIBLINGS JESUS HER PARENTS HAVE A TON OF SIBLINGS TOO

MAN SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY GO SOMEWHERE LET'S HOPE SO I LIKE HER

VIDEOGRAPHER GIRL WITH THE GROSS FAN DANCE TRIES TO TEACH HIM TO DANCE IT'S AWKWARD

HE TALKS TO THE NAIL SALON ONE AND MAN HER DRESS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD

UGH SUPER SOUTHERN GIRL HER ACCENT IS KILLING ME

AND HERE COMES THE SHOW-RUINER, CHRIS HARRISON, WITH THE ROSE

JUST CASUALLY PUTTING IT ON THE TABLE

STAKES ARE ARTIFICIALLY HEIGHTENED

OH THE HUG TOKEN GIRL RUINS THE HUG TOKEN THING BY GIVING HIM A BIG BAG OF TOKENS AND LETTING HIM USE THEM FOR WHATEVER UGH WHY SHE GIVES ME THE CREEPS

AWWW VANESSA IS REALLY PRECIOUS HER FRIEND GOT HER TO DO IT AND SHE WANTED HIM TO BE THE BACHELOR MAN I ALREADY LOVE HER THEY'RE KIND OF SWEET TOGETHER

I KNOW THIS IS TOTALLY EDITED TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE THIS BUT THE SEXUAL TENSION IS PALPABLE

...AND THEN NANNY HUG TOKEN GIRL BREAKS IT

FUCKING UGH

AND SHE MAKES OUT WITH HIM

YANNO

I HOPE SHE FUCKING GETS BOOTED UGH

HE MADE HER FEEL REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TOO

NOT ONLY DID SHE DOUBLE DIP BUT SHE KISSED HIM GOD I HATE HER

YEAH "WHAT A HO" IS RIGHT
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Old 01-08-2017, 12:50 PM   #174
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POST-KISS DRAMA BOMB

SO MUCH FOR THE GIRL HE SLEPT WITH

THEY ALL COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING TALKED WITH HIM (WHICH IS LIKE IDK ALWAYS A PROBLEM IT'S NOT REALLY A BIG DEAL IDK)

THE LADIES START REALIZING THAT THIS SITUATION IS 100% UNNATURAL

THE BASKETBALL DANCER IS FREAKING OUT A BIT AWWW YOU'RE SWEET CHILL GIRL

OMG THEY'RE PLAYING CATCH SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH WITH DOLPHIN/SHARK GIRL

WHY DO THE GIRLS LIKE HER

GOD PRODUCERS PLEASE JUST GET RID OF HER

OH MY GOD

SHE HAS GOTTEN INTO THE POOL

AND IS MAKING DOLPHIN CALLS

I JUST

NO THANKS

HE CALLS HER OUT ON THE FACT THAT THIS IS IN FACT A SHARK COSTUME

UGH SHE'S SUPER DRUNK TOO FUCK ME

HAHAHAH HE TELLS HER THAT SHE'S GOING HOME IF SHE TAKES OFF THE COSTUME

UH OH THE GIRL HE SLEPT WITH GETS CAUGHT IN A CONVERSATION ABOUT HIS DATING HISTORY

HE COMES UP TO HER AND IS CLEARLY NERVOUS ABOUT ADMITTING THAT HE REMEMBERS THEY MET

WOW THIS IS AWKWARD

ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE DIDN'T GIVE HIM HER NUMBER

UGH THEY'RE TRYING TO JUSTIFY THIS TO EACH OTHER THIS IS AWKWARDDD

THIS IS A TOTAL TRAINWRECK

THANK GOD SOMEONE INTERRUPTS THEM THIS IS A TOTAL DUMPSTER FIRE
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Old 01-08-2017, 12:58 PM   #175
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HE HASN'T GIVEN OUT THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE YET HMMMM

I REALLY HOPE THE CRAZY NANNY TOKEN GIRL DOESN'T GET IT

BLAZING THROUGH A FEW FORGETTABLE GIRL

OH THE NEONATAL NURSE SHE'S PRECIOUS

THEY'RE BOTH FROM WISCONSIN ORIGINALLY AND SHE HAS A GOOD REASON FOR LIKING HER JOB

AWW MAN SHE'S CUTE AND SEEMS REASONABLE I LIKE HER

ALRIGHT IT'S ON FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE TIME

(PLEASE DON'T GIVE IT TO THE CRAZY)

Spoiler: show
GASP!!!!

HE'S GIVING IT TO THE LAWYER!!!!!!!

(SORTA SAD THAT IT'S NOT VANESSA BUT HONESTLY I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH THIS)

THEY PLAY A CUTE LITTLE COY GAME AWW MAN THIS IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD START

GOOD CHOICE MAN GOOD CHOICE


WELL ON THAT NOTE IT IS TIME FOR THE CHOPPING BLOCK LET'S GO
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