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Old 06-25-2016, 02:17 AM   #151
Median Dia
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*Sigh* Y'know, it's kinda annoying to see so many scrubs register and be unable to help the along their ways. So I'm gonna go ahead and try to fix that issue here, and maybe earn a few star shards as I go~! Using ol' Kamen's starting post, if he doesn't mind!
- - -

Having gathered up his new gear, Cameron had little time to place it in his bag before he had to chase down the clearly excited doduo. Thankfully, Mystia already knew where to go, so the walk was a lot less stressful than it could have been. Sure enough, the pair soon see the log cabin that served as the 'town center' despite being on the fringes of the village: the one and only Viridian Gym!

"Ah, hello!" a voice calls out to Cameron as he walks into the building. The source was a rather unimpressive-looking young man, with plain brown hair and a t-shirt with the gym's insignia emblazoned on the front. "Welcome to the Viridian Gym- I'm sure you knew what this place was already, though." He gave a small cough, clearly biding a few seconds to remember what he was supposed to say next. "Anyways, most of our staff are a bit busy with their own business, so we can't offer any training hours for the time being. May we interest you in a quest?" he motioned to the billboard further in the room. "We do have a few today, but it's fine if you don't want to!"

- - -

Spoiler: show
Cameron has a couple of small 'quests' he could potentially take at this time:
-A) The first is a plea for help removing a small weedle infestation in one of the flower beds. However, because the weedle run off at the first sign of conflict, none of them will be catchable. It will take a while to clear out the entire field, though it ultimately won't be too difficult to do on it's own.
-B) The second is a bit of a fetch quest, requiring Cameron to to deliver berries from the same field to the marketplace and a bundle of equipment back to the it. Again, it's little more than busy work, however it gives Mystia fewer opportunities to gain experience.

He can, of course, opt not to take either quest, thus creating route C).

Regardless of what path he decides to take, he will witness a group of flabebe, one for each color, being harassed by a pair of pidgey. The whole group will disperse if approached, though the white flabebe will linger for a second longer than the rest once the birds flee before following it's brethren. !) If he ignores the scene, the whole group will make it's way in the direction of the berry field. ?)

-A!) The weedle elimination process will go smoothly at first, but the pidgey will eventually show back up and start scaring the weedle back towards the field. Cameron then has to choose between continuing as things are (which will ultimately fail) or challenging the pidgey. This time, they won't fly away immediately- rather, one will take on the challenge head on. Once it takes too much damage, however, it's partner will try to join in, only to be attacked by two of the flabebe. Both pidgey should go down easily from there, though the white flabebe will be heavily injured in the process. Should Cameron give it an oran berry, it will decide to join him but refuse to help with the weedle (for obvious reasons). Once it's partner is sure the white'll be alright, it will meet back up with the other three and disappear into the night. Once he signs out, he will receive $200, 2 star shards, and a basic berry of his choice for his efforts.

-B!) Delivering the berries will go by without incident, but the should the pidgey will steal the tool package as the Cameron is about to take it. Even if he were to try to ride Mystia to catch up to them, they'd quickly lose him. A young woman with a growlithe will see the encounter and introduce herself as Anne, offering to help track the birds by means of scent. If he accepts the offer, they will track the pidgey to their nest, where quite a few other stolen goods will be found, though the pidgey themselves have already moved on to what ever dastardly deeds they may be attempting to do next. Anne will suggest that Cameron finish his delivery and let her call up the authorities. Upon arriving to the field, he will find one of the pidgey waiting for him, eager to fight. This time, the battle will be uninterrupted and it will be catchable. From there, all he has to do is finally turn in the package and check out to finish the quest, earning $200, a star shard, and two basic berries of his choice. Declining Anne's initial offer will cause the quest to fail.

-C!) Once the pokemon have gone their separate ways, Cameron can either try to chase the birds or go his own way, since the little pixies have already faded from view. Should he chase the birds, he will eventually run into Anne, who will explain that they have been causing a lot of trouble recently and she'd been hunting them down as part of a quest of her own. He can offer to help her, perhaps explaining what he had witnessed in the process, at which point she'll accept the offer and have her growlithe lead them both to the nest. This will corner the birds, who will go into 'cornered animal' mode and attack the two trainers. Like last time, the pidgey Cameron faces off against is capturable. Once both birds are incapacitated, be it through capture or otherwise, He can help her gather up the stolen goods and turn them in to the police, earning $100 and a star shard for helping Anne with her quest.

Both the pidgey and the flabebe are level 4 with no egg moves.

Should he, for whatever stupid reason, decide to take neither quest and ignore the scene before him, Cameron will instead find an injured weedle (lv.2) he can heal, befriend, and capture to at least give him something. I'm not a complete jerk...

Tangled Feet- "Only I have the right to hit me!"
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Old 06-29-2016, 04:00 PM   #152
Beautiful Savage
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I have a few comments before I divulge my verdict. I'd like to start off by saying that while your update is a tad short, it is very well written and I enjoyed reading it. I like how the Gym Trainer had to pause and remember what to say. That bit did a good job of giving a seemingly insignificant character a bit of personality and maybe something to go off of later. Like I said before, the update was a little short, but not unacceptably so. Maybe in the future you could describe the gym a little bit more? What does the inside of the gym look like? Are there other trainers milling about doing stuff or is it just Cameron and the Gym Trainer? Again, just something to think about.

As for your quests, I think they're very cute, great for a starting trainer. We're giving a bit more money than that for quests, and I think we're giving new captures egg moves? At least, we have been at the early levels, which is where pretty much everyone is. But all in all, I think they were good. So....

Approved 1/3! Congrats! Good luck!
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Old 08-02-2016, 04:36 PM   #153
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Echoing Sav's statements on most things here. Though with egg moves on new captures it tends to depend on the 'mon and how much they worked for it.

That said... Approved 2/3
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Old 08-02-2016, 04:40 PM   #154
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Nothing to say that hasn't been said. Pidgey and Flabebe are both mon that could probably do with an Egg Move, though.

Either way, nice work 3/3 Approved.

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Old 08-16-2016, 08:53 PM   #155
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Well At Least I'll Get Critique

Dave's Intro Post

With the port on your mind your mind you take a general look around you, but before can take in much info you notice a small toddler aged girl with blonde pigtails in what appears to be a tattered pink dress. Noticing you the girl runs towards you, with now apparent tears running down her face. Upon reaching you the girl looks up teary eyed, before frantically saying:

“Sir Help! A thug is having his pokemon hurt my mommy, I don’t know why he’s doing it but please you gotta help! Please I don’t want to lose her too!” But before you can reply she takes your hand and pulls you along, the abruptness of the situation leaving you with little choice but to go along with things. Before you know it the girl has lead you past a number of buildings and lead you into an alley, where in you hear a hard thud, followed by what sounds like a pain induced grunt, the source of these sounds becoming clear once you’ve reached the end of the alley, a large man wearing a leather jacket and his Machop towering above the crumpled form of a humanoid. This form is soon revealed to be the girl’s mother as she screams out “MOMMY!”, this causing the man and his pokemon to turn around and look your way, seeing you, your pokemon and the girl the man says “Hah, looks like the runt found a little helper ‘hmm, well not to so little. Anyway, Machop let’s kick their ass too, then we can make sure that little shit that brought him here never runs again.”

Quest Outline:
Spoiler: show

If Dave agrees to help the girl she will lead him down a nearby alley where he will encounter a large man and his Machop who will turn from the girl’s injured mother and engage him in a battle.
If he beats the Machop the thug will make a run for it, pushing past him and running off into the distance. If Dave loses the sound of police sirens will scare off the thug instead. Regardless of outcome Dave will notice a Machoke fist insignia on the thug’s jacket.

Once the thug has fled Dave will be called over by the mother who will give him the number of a local doctor before passing out from her injuries, calling the doctor will have him come over in a van, which he will use to transport Dave, the mother and the child to his home where he will take care of the injuries and give Dave a rundown of the gang and their history with the daughter’s family as well as explaining that the police are offering a reward to anyone who can put a stop to gang’s activities. The daughter pleads for Dave to help as well.

If Dave agrees to help the doctor will tell him a location that members of the gang are known to target, upon reaching this location Dave will overhear a bunch of gang members talking about a warehouse as well as the time an item of special importance to their boss will be transported there as well as when it will be picked up.
Should Dave decide to go to the warehouse when the item is being transported to it he will overhear one of the transporters say the location of where the item will be in the warehouse as well as what it will be held in, allowing him to get to it with ease. If Dave opts to go between the time after the item has been dropped and picked up, he will wander around inside, encountering up to 2 weak trainers depending on his choices.

Upon finding the item he will find out what it is, something capable of bringing the gang’s leadership down. He will be given the option to either give the item to the family he previously helped out, allowing them to collect the reward from the police and achieve a better financial situation, or keep it and collect the reward himself.

Quest Rewards:
Spoiler: show

If Dave opts to give it to the family he will receive a Rare Candy
If Dave opts to turn the item into the police, he will receive 1 Star Shard and $600
Life, but a series of paths and flows
Down many one can go
May yours run smoothly and be soft to your feet

Last edited by Zelphon; 08-16-2016 at 09:00 PM.
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Old 08-17-2016, 12:35 AM   #156
Beautiful Savage
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Okay, I'm trying not to judge you too heavily based on this alone, but your update feels rushed. I get the vibe that you didn't put much thought into writing it, and that you may not have even proofread it. Or even put it through a spellchecker or something. Definitely spend more time on your updates, as it's a service you are providing your updatee. Personally, I recommend reading each update out loud before posting it, with the phrasing your punctuation indicates. It makes it ridiculously simple to find typos, run-on sentences, spelling errors, and other odd grammatical hiccups. Unfortunately, I have some other qualms with your application.

I'm not sure I like how the girl just grabs Dave's arm and launches him into the quest. In the outline you said, "If Dave agrees to help the girl she will lead him down a nearby alley where he will encounter a large man and his Machop who will turn from the girl’s injured mother and engage him in a battle." However, your update doesn't actually give Dave a choice. And I think that choice of whether or not to take on a quest is important. I've rejected a quest before, purely on the basis that I didn't like the Pokemon that I was likely to capture. Which actually brings me to my next point.

Earlier I said that I personally don't put too much stock in the quest outline provided it shows you have some sort of plot worked out that makes sense. You did that, and it leaves you with flexibility to roll with whatever your updatee sends your way, maybe resulting in something different than you originally planned. And the quest is a good one, it's a good mixture of a few quests that I've seen or am currently in the process of giving right now. The issue here is that you don't seem to have planned for a capture. First quests always have a capture opportunity. As an adventure gets on in length, capture opportunities become more sparse, but the first two or three quests will typically provide a budding trainer with a beginning squad.

Unfortunately, I think I'm going to say Rejected for now. I think this app was pretty close, but that lack of capture kind of put me over the edge. If other updaters feel that I'm wrong they should feel free to call me out, though.
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Old 08-17-2016, 12:41 AM   #157
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Agree with pretty much everything Savvy said. Don't get discouraged by the rejection though, Zelphy- I'm sure there are several updaters who would be more than happy to help you get better, myself included!

Click on Fawful for my ASB squad summary. Other links coming soon.
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Old 08-17-2016, 03:30 PM   #158
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Lack of capture aside, the reward is still way too small.
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