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Old 04-20-2019, 01:13 AM   #517
Blastoise
We deny our creators.
 
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Reduces construction time
Posts: 2,936
The Virgin Oranguru vs. the Chad Passimian: Pokemon Ultra Sun (60 hours)
  • BROKE: Genociding Zubat for EVs
    WOKE: Genociding Chansey for EXP
    BESPOKE: So that you can pay a spastic running a mall kiosk in bottle caps to shoot up your Pokemon with andro

  • GAME FREAK: We took the opportunity to update the mechanics in gen 7 to bring Pokemon into the modern era, but with nods to the faithful fans that have made it a beloved franchise for 20 years. Giovanni formed the Pokemon Legion of Doom, and you get to shit in his cornflakes! Red and Blue got gay married, and now you can ruin their honeymoon!

    Players: This is nice, but can we get a new Battle Frontier so that the non-online endgame isn't the same rehashed "Battle Tower with the serial numbers filed off" that we've all done a million times?

    GAME FREAK: That's too hard, so we made a shitty Battle Factory clone crippled by ill-conceived gachapon mechanics: do you like this

  • "Salandit is neat, and it's the first gen 7 Pokemon I've encountered that I really like. I wonder what it evolves into"

    *checks Bulbapedia*

    "oh no"

  • Ride Pokemon are great: how did we live for so long with having to waste team space on some route 1 garbagemon that sucks ass but learns like 4 HMs, holy shit

  • Would:
    -Wife Wicke
    -Get fucked up on fairy dust with Mina
    -Throw Acerola into a volcano

  • Sic semper tyrannis, you cat-face fuck

  • Kukui is a millennial Pokemon professor who barely maintains the pretense of being a functional human being, and as a fellow millennial I respect that

  • On the other hand...no you dumb asshole, don't bring formulaic gym shit to not-Hawaii: totem Pokemon fights are one of the few things in Pokemon's main story that push back and as a consequence are actually interesting. Go fuck your manic-depressive wife

  • Dimensional travel is a cool idea that is extremely undercooked. Fuck Little Britain, give us the SWOLE JUNGLE
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