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Old 06-05-2016, 01:49 AM   #150
Stealthy
A New and Original Person
 
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 949
Three things.

1) Be very aware of the boundaries between what you control and what your updatee does. Some people may be more complacent, but I know I'm pretty damn protective of my characters and I wouldn't appreciate being told how my character felt. Find a different way to convey suspense. Tell me "this is a very attractive woman" instead of "you find yourself incredibly infatuated with this woman".

2) Never make it impossible to deny/abort a quest, even if it's the first one. Like, yeah, if you're halfway through and they want to abort then they should go through the process of what that would entail, but don't box them in or bend their paths back to your plan. If I'm snooping around a criminal hideout, and you planned on me going in in some capacity and taking action, and my character decides to go get the cops, you shouldn't automatically go "sorry no" and have me get caught by the criminals I'm investigating to force the encounter. Doesn't mean you should give me what I want all the time, but the player deserves a choice. It sucks to write out a good quest then have it go to waste, but the player is the priority.

And yes, this is the first quest. That doesn't mean that the player is required to complete it, that just means you should be a bit more forgiving to them and prioritize them getting a capture

3) I think you're a bit too frivolous with egg moves. idk why people do this, I was under the impression they were supposed to be rather rare. Yeah, sucks to start with not a lot of moves, but that's how it's supposed to work. Also avoid egg moves that are in the level up set, because if you're gonna do it, at least give them something special.


Beyond that, your prose is nice and it's clear that you've got a sense and dedication for laying out quests and I like that you've got the tie-in to a follow-up going on. I like quest-lines; I think they make a more organic story and RP. Though remember not to get frustrated if a player decides to not pick up on the hook you leave them because they actually wanna move on to a new area (it just means you can use it on somebody else later. Yay continuity). Just hand them off if you wanna focus on the situation you've developed in that area. Flexibility and an ability to improvise are very important qualities in an updater so keep them in mind as you go.

Approved 3/3
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