Thread: The Bachelor
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Old 01-16-2016, 08:42 AM   #23
Jerichi
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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GOOOOOOD MORNING BACHELOR NATION

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN FOR MORE YELLING AT THE INTERNET ABOUT REALITY TELEVISON

THIS WEEK WE GET INTO THE REAL MEAT AND POTATOES OF THE SHOW: THE ENDLESS CAVALCADE OF TOTALLY STAGED AND FAUX ROMANTIC "DATES"

BEFORE WE GET STARTED LET'S DISCUSS HOW THIS WORKS

EACH WEEK, THERE WILL BE A TOTAL OF 3-5 DATES DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH SHOW THEY'RE PLANNING TO CRAM. THERE ARE TYPICALLY TWO ONE-ON-ONE DATES (I.E. A NORMAL DATE WHERE THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE, LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO) TO EACH GROUP DATE (I.E. THE SFW EQUIVALENT OF A WEIRD ORGY PORNO, BUT WITH CANOEING OR OBSTACLE COURSES INSTEAD OF BOINKING). GETTING A ONE ON ONE DATE IS BASICALLY EQUIVALENT TO AN IMMUNITY TOKEN, PROVIDED YOU DON'T TOTALLY FUCK UP AND HE THROWS THE ROSE OFF THE BALCONY, BUT GROUP DATES ARE A COMPETITION, MEANING WE GET TO WATCH ALL THE LADIES SCRAMBLE TO FLIRT WITH HIM LONG ENOUGH TO GUARANTEE ANOTHER WEEK ON THE SHOW

NEEDLESS TO SAY BOTH FORMATS ARE ENTIRELY MANUFACTURED AND PRETTY RIDICULOUS AND IT CAUSES THE SHOW PRETTY MUCH TO DESCEND INTO A SET SCRIPT PRETTY MUCH IMMEDIATELY

THE COOKIE CUTTER FORMAT IS AS FOLLOWS:
  • ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF THE HOUSE WITH WOMEN TALKING ABOUT PREVIOUS DRAMA AND/OR HOW MANY BUTTERFLIES THEY CAN COUNT IN THEIR STOMACHS
  • THE FIRST DATE CARD ARRIVES AND EVERYONE IS BITTER/EXCITED/BOTH
  • ONE-ON-ONE NUMBER ONE BEGINS, ACCOMPANIED BY GRATUITOUS SHOTS OF THE WOMEN DRINKING THEMSELVES TO SLEEP AND BEMOANING THEIR BAD "LUCK"
  • THE BACHELOR AND HIS "PICK" GO DO SOMETHING KIND OF STUPID THAT IS SOMEHOW ENDEARING, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • THEY GO TO A "SECRET PLACE" AND DO SOMETHING LIKE DANCE, OFTEN TO THEIR "FAVORITE" BAND THAT NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF WHO ONLY TOOK THIS GIG IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT AT NOTORIETY, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • AN AWKWARD DINNER BETWEEN THE BACHELOR AND THE WOMAN SOMEWHERE WEIRD BUT THEMATIC, WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT HER SOB STORY AND HE TRIES REALLY HARD NOT TO LOOK BORED, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • HE DUMPS HER OR GIVES HER THE IMMUNITY ROSE, PLUS MORE HOUSE DRAMA
  • NEXT DAY, GROUP DATE CARD ARRIVES, ALL THE WOMEN WHO THE PRODUCERS HAVE NOT DEEMED INTERESTING ENOUGH TO GO ALONE GET TO GO HIKING OR FISHING OR BOWLING OR SOMETHING ELSE BORING YOU CAN FEASIBLY DO IN A GROUP
  • THEY ALL GO ON THEIR LITTLE EXCURSION AND AT LEAST ONE PERSON GETS HURT, CRIES, COMPLAINS, AND/OR HAS TO LEAVE EARLY
  • THE REST GO ON A "ROMANTIC" FIVE TO TEN PERSON DINNER DATE IN A BARN OR SOMETHING ELSE BIG THAT CAN HOLD THAT MANY PEOPLE. AWKWARD CONVERSATION AND BACHELOR STEALING ENSUES
  • THE BACHELOR GIVES THE WORST WOMAN A ROSE, EVERYONE ELSE IS BITTER
  • THE NEXT DAY, ONE ON ONE DATE CARD NUMBER TWO, REPEAT STEPS 3 THROUGH 7
  • THAT EVENING, COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!
  • SOME WOMEN DRINK COPIOUSLY, OTHERS JUDGE THOSE WHO DO, EVERYONE SCRAMBLES TO GET ONE LAST WORD IN BEFORE THEY GET KICKED OFF THE SHOW
  • ROSE CEREMONY

THIS IS PRETTY MUCH EVERY EPISODE UNTIL THE NUMBERS DWINDLE AND THEN THEY GO ON GLAMOROUS VACATIONS TO PRAGUE OR FIJI OR IOWA OR SOMEWHERE

SO LETS GET STARTED
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