Interrogation Techniques!

[dosuser]

This is nothing new, but I thought it was post-worthy!

Which of the following interrogation techniques do you think would be most effective on you?

01] Going Next Door
02] Pain
03] Nobody Loves You
04] The All-Seeing Eye
05] The Barbering Curriculum
06] The Informer
07] News from Home
08] The Witness
09] Joint Suspects
10] The Big Bang
11] Pearls Before Swine
12] Chicken Button
13] Death Eats a Sandwich
14] Hammerhead
15] Hammerhand
16] Fried Hole
17] Hangri-La
18] Ivan Is a Dope
19] Joint Interrogators
20] Law of Partial Pressure
21] The Spinoza
22] Gospel Shark
23] Cloud Cuckoo Land
24] The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
25] Good Cop / Ventriloquist Cop
26] Alice in Wonderland
27] Monster Polygraph
28] Confession is Good for the Soul
29] Silver Tongued Devil
30] Deep Sea Diver
31] Pay The Piper
32] Federal Bikini Inspector
33] Big Wig
34] Carlsbad Caverns
35] The Boy Who Cried
36] Goonland
37] Role-Role Theory
38] Zipf's Law
39] Stream of Unconsciousness
40] Flash in the Pan
41] The Little Bird
42] Welcome to Bethany
43] Ampère's Rule
44] The Dental Assistant

[Talon87]

A, too many choices to read. B, I don't get "Go next door." O_o Is that like "a guy goes into the room nextdoor and next thing you know you hear a gunshot, and then the interrogator says to you, 'So ... are you ready to talk?'"

[dosuser]

That's the whole point: except for number 2, none of them are actual interrogation techniques (as evidenced by items like 25, 32 and the formidable 43). You gave me an even better idea, though!

NEW TOPIC: let's try to provide possible interrogation techniques to go with the titles listed above!


#43, Ampère's Law: A number of physics professors are summoned to bombard the subject with endless lectures.

[Talon87]

I figured Ampère's Law was electroshock therapy. Except not on a medical patient, but on a suspect in an interrogation chamber.

In fact, a lot of these do sound like "Seinfeldian nicknames" for real interrogation techniques. Example ...

03. Nobody Loves You
This is the one where everybody acts like they don't know you exist. Even your parents and siblings and whatnot have been replaced by the government with look-alike actors who act like you're not even there.

04. The All-Seeing Eye
Big Brother. Cameras everywhere. Pretty much it.

06. The Informer
The police bring in an "informant" who may or may not have really seen you do the crime (depending if you even did do the crime in the first place!). But they bring this guy in and tell you, "If we go to court, you're hosed. Best to settle now."

10. The Big Bang
Dennis Hopper-style, the interrogator reveals to you that your family's entire house is wired with high-capacity explosives and will go off with the simple touch of a red button right beneath his thumb.

13. Death eats a sandwich
While you're in the interrogation chamber, they offer you food. You eat some. They then tell you (whether it's true or not), "That food was laced with a poison that will kill you in 10 minutes. I have the antidote right here," *pulls out a phial before pocketing it once more*, "and I'll let you have it if you tell us what we need to know."

And I could keep going. The point is, enough of these made sense to me as Seinfeld-esque nicknames for real methods of choking information out of a suspect. So ... I thought this was for real.

[Doppleganger]

>>05] The Barbering Curriculum

Sounds like people plucking hairs out of tender parts, like the ear, under the arm, or in other less speakable places.

[deoxys]

Inaccurate. No water boarding.

[Raptor Jesus]

I see someone has logged onto Aperture Science site.

[Holy Emperor]

12] Chicken Button

The person is tied to a chair and forced to watch really horribly/scary/etc images on a screen in front of him. Next to him is the Chicken Button. He can stop the images by pressing the button to signify he is ready to talk.

[Talon87]

17) Hangri-La

Pretty self-explanatory. Same as a normal interrogation except this time, it takes place in a residential apartment room. There's nothing in the room except the table with fold-away chairs that the men are sitting at ... and a noose, already set up in the room ready to go.

I think that'd scare a lot of people. ^_^; Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the police would be hinting at the fact that they'll kill you and say "he committed suicide."

[dosuser]

#22: Gospel Shark

As an introduction, a large piece of meat is dangled above a tank with a seemingly-docile shark swimming around inside. Then a large gospel choir enters and begins to sing. The sound agitates the shark, who proceeds to take its anger out on the piece of meat in a horribly gruesome fashion. Once the meat is in shreds, the choir stops and the shark returns to its normal state. Finally, you are tied up and dangled over the tank.* The choir resumes and you can only stop them by giving up your knowledge.


*Optional: Add "in flames" to the end of any of the previous sentences. w